Spiders 3D (2013) [REVIEW] | Arachnids Of The Third Dimension

B-movie about spiders have tenaciously popped up decade after decade, because arachnophobia it’s quite common, so nothing is more cathartic than seeing spiders of giant size getting blown the fuck up… after eating people, rampaging through cities, etc.

So it’s no wonder than once in a while a new one comes out, this time Spiders 3D, also known as Spiders in home video releases, which might make people confuse it for the older one (already featured here), so the 3D monicker feels kinda necessary, as it was actually shot in that format… which is obviously lost on a regular DVD release.

This one comes from Tibor Takacs, a genre director better known for the cult movie The Gate and episodes of Sabrina The Teenage Witch old tv series (alongside the Sabrina Goes To Rome movie), whom we already spotlighted when we reviewed the TV movie The Black Hole, and fittingly this isn’t even the first time he did a creature feature about spiders with 2007’s TV movie Ice Spiders.

Which i guess i now gotta review as well, don’t see why not.

Don’t see why either, but whatever.

But in the meantime, let’s talk about Spiders 3D, which actually comes from the same company behind Spiders and Spiders 2, Nu Image, which became Millennium Films and now Millennium Media, and produced movie like John Rambo, the 2006 Wicker Man remake, the 2008 Day Of The Dead remake, The Mechanic, and a lot of popular, high budget movies like The Expendables.

But i guess not all was lost, as they shot the majority of the footage for it in Sofia, Bulgaria, and many cast members for the side characters are bulgarian, because it’s cheaper this way, so it’s kinda cute to see some of the old time cheapass traditions still alive and well, despite the bigger budget and the main cast made of well known american TV actors that were in a lot of popular series, somehow roped into this. Some things never change, they really don’t.

Almost forgot, i should explain the plot. Silly me.

It’s pretty much a remake of the 2000’s Spiders, as it still involves people experimenting on mutant spiders in space, this time being having been done time before in a destroyed Soviet space station (instead of an American shuttle), but still, the thing falls towards Earth anyway, and crashlands inside a New York subway station. Mutant spiders come out of the wreck, there’s a conspiracy and once again aliens are involved, thankfully without the unlikeable “ufo believer journalist girl” character (and her friends) from the old Spiders, swapped for a subway worker going through a divorce that has to be the usual unlikely hero of the situation while trying to save his family.

This being a movie also backed by Lionsgate, the more noticeable upgrade is in the production values, as one would expect, and while it’s no big blockbuster money budget by any meaning of the term, it’s a WAY better looking and technically put together movie than the the older Nu Image flicks, and this can also be seen in the CG for the spiders (and a bit of practical effects), still not Lights & Magic material, but way more believable, even if they look a bit videogamey at times and the 3D gimmick is barely used. But compared to some of the crappy effects in both old and new creature features i’ve featured here over the years…. they are the finest masterpieces in the land.

Everything else it’s quite typical monster movie fare through and through, and while i did wish the budget was bigger so we could have more proper action setpieces with the monsters rampaging around (or a less “eh” climax), it’s…. alright. The acting is decent, the characters are cliched but alright as well, there’s some fun scenes like the forklift spider smushing, it’s entertaining enough, but it’s far from memorable as well, or deserving even a “decent” rating (so to say).

It’s definitely better than both Spiders and Spiders II (big whoop, i know i know), it’s fine for what it is, but nothing special, all things considered.

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