[EXPRESSO] Whistle (2025) | Must Have Been The Aztec Wind

I’m not bothering with the new Scream sequels, for reasons that should be obvious (including its collaboration with GenIA crap and gambling giant Kalshi), so instead i did went to see this little new-ish horror film called Whistle.

This one also isn’t breaking any new ground, being a very typical teen slasher, this time about an Aztec sacrificial whistle, said to be used in order to call upon Death itself and offer it the souls during ritual sacrifices. After causing the mysterious death of a high school basketball player, 6 months later the death whistle shows up in the locker of a newly transferred girl with a troubled past of drug abuse, and alongside some of her new classmates, she hears the hellish sound it produces, which also signifies Death itself will come for them sooner than it should….

Yeah, you’ve heard this before, and yes, this is basically another variation on/of Final Destination, just using the old “Aztec curse instrument” spin to avoid being a complete rip-off, but it likeable how it basically owns the fact is not doing anything original, it knows, so it doesn’t even bother to be mysterious, and decides it might as well have some fun and give audiences what they expect.

Unsubtle as fuck, by design, the characters also being very typical but mostly stereotypes stock as ever, especially the jocks, the plot hits very expected beat like clockwork, and while i do wish it didn’t straight up copy the finale of Countdown, Whistle does seek out to entertain more than scare, and it does manage to do that, thanks to a brisky pace, decent acting and honestly decent-to-good gore effects and grisly supernatural kills.

It’s entirely forgettable but also quite serviceable slasher interested only in being entertaining and gory more than anything else.

[EXPRESSO] Rental Family (2025) | Gacha Gaijin

Brendan Frasier is back in Hikari’s second feature lenght (the first being 37 Seconds), Rental Family, playing an american actor, Phillip Vandarplough, that has been living in Japan for a lot but now, despite some of his old commercials being very successful, struggles to find work and so takes on menial side roles in various shows and auditions for basically everything.

One day he finds himself hitched to play a role… at a funeral.

Where even the dead isn’t actually dead, just there in classic japanese funeral clothes, happy as a clam.

Turns out he accepted a bit part for an agency called Rental Family, that basically offers actors to impersonate a family member or friend by request, “renting” them for occasional performances, which of course sounds strange to Philipp, but has become a market niche in Japan due to various cultural reasons, including stigmatization of mental illness, meaning instead of going to teraphy, sometimes someone will hire you to be their granpa or soothe their shut-in life by calling you over as a friend to play videogames, among other things.

The company boss, Shinji, invites him on board, as they need a “gaijin” for the catalogue, and Philipp, more out of desperation than curiosity, decides to join them. After an almost botched first job, he gets the hang of it, but when he has to play the father of a japanese-american girl, Mia, for 3 weeks so she can get in a good school, Philipp does find himself more emotionally involved than the “farce” requires…

It’s a canned expression to say “the feel good film of”, but Rental Family does perfectly succeed in that, being inspiring, funny, emotional, and also properly tackle a modern, real problem, the evergrowing societal “loneliness epidemic”, without going for an unrealistic, overly positive ending.

[EXPRESSO] Scarlet (2025) | “Why Don’t You Ramlet?”

After debutting at 2025’s Venice Film Festival, Hosoda’s latest film, Scarlet, is releasing in theathers worlwide.

And to be honest i was ready to be disappointed, but you know, even Belle with its flaws was quite interesting, but Scarlet instead surpassed my expectations for the worse, and it pains me to say that it is, without a doubt, the worse Hosoda film ever, however you slice it.

The premise is not necessarily bad, at all, basically doing a genderbend version of Hamlet, but when the heroine Scarlet, fails to avenge her father’s death at the hands of her evil uncle Claudius, she finds herself in a limbo where souls gather after death, regardless of era or nation.

There is she informed by a strange shaman woman that her uncle Claudius is here too, and is amassing an army to stop others going to the “Infinite Lands” beyond the mountains, so she continues her quest for vengeance, helped by Hijiri, a pacifist paramedic from modern day Japan.

Scarlet it is the worse written Hosoda film ever, with a story that even by its own fantasy sci fi logic makes little sense, a super basic Hamlet deconstruction that has nothing to say and doesn’t proper explore anything, just throws in the air the usual waffling about the “futility of vengeance” and “the necessity of violence”, features incredibly dull, uninteresting characters and ends with one of the stupidest “optimistic” endings i’ve ever seen.

To make matters worse, it’s not even pretty, starting off strong with good 2D animation in the prologue but then it’s a constantly inconsistent flip-flopping between 2D and 3D CG animation, all looking astoningly cheap for a feature film by Hosoda’s Studio Chizu, with musical scenes meant to wow audiences being downright laughable and featuring generic, unispired music to boot.

I.K.U. (2000) [REVIEW] | LGBT Robosexual Runner

While i most likely won’t be reviewing the new Wuthering Heights film adaptation, to prove my platonical love for you, the audience, i will review this film i found on DVD in a flea market, and no, it wasn’t on the porn section.

I know i had to get it, it was like, 5 bucks at max, and with a title that screams “CINEMA” as IKU gets a IGN certified “10 out of 10” just for reference-pun combo that is the subtitle “I, Robosex” added in the Italian DVD release.

Sometimes i get to find import DVD copies of weird state sponsored video art when i go thrifting, sometimes i pick up fully localized and officially distributed “technically not porn” like this.

So, the hell is this?

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[EXPRESSO] Hamnet (2025) | The House That Will Built

Chloe Zhao (Nomadland, Eternals) is back for an adaptation of Maggie O’ Farrell book of the same name, a semi-fictionalized retelling of the lives of William Shakespeare and his wife Agnes.

Agnes is a peculiar woman for 16^th centhury Stratford: she is skilled with herbs, animals and ointments, she often walks alone in the forest, which makes the town gossip of her as a “witch”. One day she is noticed by Will, a man teaching latin to sons to repay the family’s debt, who falls in love with her, is reciprocated, and despite Will’s family being against it, the two marry, and have three sons: Susanna, Judith, and a boy, Hamnet (which we’re told by text in the prologue was equivalent of “Hamlet” in that day).

Though fate has it in for the young Hamnet, which contracts the plague and dies, further straining the relationship between Agnes and William, the latter which is often away to pursue his budding theathrical career in London…

I think there’s some irony in how the more this tries to work in the famous Shakespeare lines and have this whole familial tragedy serving as what would inspire William Shakespeare to write Hamlet… the more it feels oddly “forced”, almost using the idea as a crutch.

This in a movie where William Shakespeare isn’t actually the protagonist, which is fine, since this IS Agnes’ story by far and large, i get that, but it’s also undeniably way stronger when it’s just being this familial period drama about the loss of a son to illness with some touches of a pastoral magic reality, incarnated by Agnes herself, the “forest witch”.

It just makes the final act a bit wobbly (almost clumsy in how direct it is), but still amounts to Hamnet being a very good film, nonetheless.

Tromeo & Juliet (1996) [REVIEW] | Troma Shaped Box

While i was adamant about never reviewing a Troma film again due to them defending Harry Knownles some time ago, after seeing the new Toxic Avenger reboot/remake i realized there’s no point as the company died years ago, the soul of it, anyway, and it’s sad that i somehow longed for when they were trash but punk for real, instead of pretending as they are today.

Plus, at this point, they have so little relevance left regardless, so whatever, as they have a right to keep trying to remake their old shlock classics (or do new installments on their old series like Class Of Nuke ‘Em High), so have i to review Tromeo & Juliet for a lark if i want (and so have you on this decision of mine, obviously), and because it’s that time of the year .

I was gonna say basically the same thing for the SGT Kabukiman review i planned last year, but that i had to delay, so i’ll refer back to this one for clarification in the future, instead of redoing the spiel everytime.

And i guess at one point i’ll have to do a full essay on Kaufman and Troma as a whole, because in a way it deserves more discussion that i’m giving it here, but let’s not get carried away, it’s time to revisit a Troma classic, their shlock loose retelling of Romeo and Juliet, with an obvious but also obviously catchy punny name, Tromeo & Juliet (still makes more sense than Gnomeo & Juliet).

Time to shit on Shakespeare, because why not?

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[EXPRESSO] My Father’s Shadow (2025) | Abiola ’93

Presented as last year’s Cannes, My Father’s Shadow is one of those films that they sneakily released in theathers and i almost missed, which would have been a shame.

Though i understand there’s no point pushing to general audiences an UK-Nigerian coming-of-age story presented with subtitles only.

It is June 12^th 1993, day of the presidential elections in Nigeria, and two young boys, Remi and Aki, are brought along to Lagos by their often absent father, Folarin, as he goes there to ask for months of unpaid salary to begin with, but decides to bring the boys along and – as he waits for the supervisor to come back later that night – have them seen some city life, relax at the beach, go to an amusement spark, spend some time with them.

The boys in turn get to see more him open up to them, but in the tense political atmosphere of the city (with military mowing in pre-emptively into town after denying a massacre happened some days prior) and eventual uprising due to the election failing, their father is suspected of subversive activities, making them question even more who he really is…

It’s a really good coming of age story that while is enhanced by taking place on the backdrop of a politically troubled piece of Nigerian history (which doesn’t narrow it down much, the more i think abourt it), it doesn’t use it as a “crutch” for the characters dynamics, and is a heartfelt drama about absent fathers with great characterization and terrific performances.

In spite of the predictable “revelation” at the end, it still lands quite the emotional punch, since the drama and characters are relatable but not banal, heavy but not sensationalized, making My Father’s Shadow an amazing debut film for director Akinola Davies Jr.

Big Top Pee Wee (1988) [REVIEW] | Romancing The Weiner Tree

Need to preface this one by saying that the title might not imply what you think.

As in, newer generations (especially not from the US) most likely don’t know that “Pee Wee” isn’t slang for something (and i hope it never was), it’s just a comedy character played by late American comedian Paul Rubens, which developed the character of Pee-wee Herman with Phil Hartman (of Simpson fame), originally debutting for a sketch, then getting its own weird “kids comedy show” called “Pee Wee’s Playhouse”, and success eventually brought the Pee Wee persona to the big screen, with Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (1985) also being the first feature lenght film directed by Tim Burton, with also Danny Elfman debuting here as a composer.

I didn’t grow up with the old show as i’m not american and “too young for that shit” at the time, but with the Burton film arriving here too i remember vaguely Rubens face, but regardless, the film launched Burton’s (and Elfman’s) whole career and is still fondly remembered.

I rewatched this very recently, like two weeks ago, and i can say it still holds up, a surreal cartoony live action ride brimming with irony and zany humour under its own mask of false naivetè.

Given, you have to understand what “Pee Wee Herman” is, and basically he’s a flamboyant manchild that dresses up like a golden age ventriloquist dummy, moves like one too, has a weird laugh, a child-like impatience and “lust for fun”, always surroding himself with some weird contraptions, and basically following his quirky autisms where they take him, be it a fixation on bycicles or something else.

So indeed, an idiot sauvant for the ages, even though i’m not sure how much well modern audiences would take to his character, as he may come off ironically pervish, which is almost funny in hindsight, thought the character isn’t that, and is more on an outcast living in his own world, hence perfect for Burton’s debut, he build a career on this sort of weirdos, after all.

But we’re not here to talk about his Big Adventure.

We are here to remember they tried making him a film series, following up in 1988 with Big Top Pee Wee, which has been mostly forgotten at best by audiences.

I never saw it before and honestly didn’t even know it existed until i accidentally stumbled upon it while searching for films about the circus.

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[EXPRESSO] Anaconda (2025) | Thunder Of The Gigantic Tropic Serpent

Yes, the Anaconda serie is back…kinda.

You might have heard of this reboot being in the works for a while, and it being as a quasi-January release here definitely did not feed any hype, not that there was any in the first place, gotta admit.

In case you didn’t, Sony decided to reboot the Anaconda franchise as a Tropic Thunder sort of dealio, not a bad idea in itself even though it already felt kinda masturbatory and “lazy” since Jack Black was already in Tropic Thunder.

This film sees some friends that meet up together and decide to actually follow up on their childhood dream of being proper directors, instead of being relegated to menial cinema-adjacent jobs like making video wedding invitations or playing tertiary one-line characters on TV shows, when one of them propose the project of rebooting Anaconda, one of their favorites.

This means not only writing the script, getting some funding, but also going to the Amazon river and hire a snake expert so they can “shoot the shit” there. But things gets messier when they find themselves involved with smugglers and actually stalked by a giant anaconda…

To be honest, this is noticeably better than i would expect it to be, it’s actually quite ok.

It would be better if it was able to be more original instead of doing again Tropic Thunder via Be Kind Rewind and if it was a bit less of a compromise between a more edgy and satirical take on meta-cinema and being also “safe for kids”, to say nothing about how it is fairly safe in the “self-poking humour” department.

But i will admit it has some surprises and it’s actually funnier than i expected, it’s decent and knows it’s for the best to keep runtime on the short side.

[EXPRESSO] Send Help (2026) | Triangle of Sodness

Sam Raimi is back to cinemas with Send Help, which tells the tale of Linda Liddle.

Linda works as strategist for her company, and has been promised a vice-president role by the late CEO and father of the current one, Bradley, but she is shunned and humiliated by him when it becomes known he will put his incompetent friend, Donovan, in charge.

He still decides to invite her to a corporate flight as a gesture before axing her, but fate has is that the plane crashes, and only Linda and Bradley survive it, finding themselves stranded on a deserted island. Linda isn’t too fazed, as she also knewn a lot of survivalist tactics and skills (enough to try her hand at competing in a survival reality show), as even back in the office she was the actual employee holding the company together with their ability to actually get shit done, much to the disgust of the nepo baby that is Bradley.

The two end up having to work together, and put together their mutual hatred in order to survive and eventually get rescued…. or not.

While the plot it’s basically a mixture of familiar beats you’ve seen before, mostly Cast Away and stuff like Triangle Of Sadness, but mashed together very well, tackling the overdone “eat the rich” angle of late (alongside the obvious themes of workplace toxicity and corporate misoginy) but with a clever and funny script, many twists and some terrific performances by Rachel McAdams and Dylan O’Brien.

It’s also so very a Raimi movie, full of his sensibilities, which include a lot of projectile vomiting, ropes of blood shooting everywhere (to name the tamer ones), and his comedic horror sensibilites are full on display and recognizable as ever, great to have him back in full form.

Recommended!