[EXPRESSO] The Mortuary Assistant (2026) | Flat Possession Rate

Based on an indie horror game of the same name i’ve heard about but haven’t had the pleasure of playing yet, The Mortuary Assistant has a solid concept, with Rebecca, a mortician in training (with a past od drugs and alcoholism) that has graduated to assistant, being called in by her boss, Raymond, to do an unplanned night shift, with weird requests like embalming then cremating a corpse, but soon strange things start happening…

I’ll be honest, i was just expecting a lesser version of Autopsy Of Jane Doe, and i don’t know how much or if this rappresents the eponymous videogame, but i can sure recognize boring garbage when i see it.

It even starts off decently, but then constantly degrades, between boring flashbacks, tiresome hallucination scenes, or the demon tormenting… well, more dick around (often saying frankly laughable shit) to the protagonist, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear even when the plot stops for lore and-or exposition dumps, nor do we know why the entity doesn’t outright kill the downright stupid protagonist you won’t care about, as she keeps falling for the same obvious trap.

there’s no atmosphere, no tension, the acting is mediocre at the very, very best, everything (entities-monsters included) is just plopped there with no grace or gusto, the thin plot grinds to a halt so we can have lore and make it clear this was based on a videogame, stopping to find video tapes or solve a demonic puzzle by matching symbols or something.

It’s being professionally put together and sporting solid effectds doesn’t matter when it’s all so flat, stupid and boring, never actually scary, especially when its topped off with one hell of a non-ending that i’m not even sure was meant to sequelbait, but will just piss you off even more.

[EXPRESSO] Coyote VS ACME (2026) | Feel The Power Of Attorney!

Obviously, i was gonna see it since Coyote VS Acme survived the fate of Batgirl, somehow, thanks to Ketchup Entertaiment (which also distributed Looney Tunes: The Day The Earth Blow Up) and people clamoring for it, but still, it’s nothing short of a miracle that this actually arrived in theathers despite… Warner Brothers.

And i would have encouraged you to go see it regardless just to spite and prove WB wrong… but after watching it, i can really recommend to go see it even if you don’t really care, because it’s good.

Plot sees Wile E. Coyote decide to sue the ACME corporation for their faulty gadgets that prevented him for decades to catch that darn roadrunner, after noticing a billboard ad for a small layer firm specialized in “cartoon damages”, because it’s that Roger Rabbit kind of mixed world where cartoon characters coexist with live action people in the same reality.

The honcho of the agency, Kevin Avery (Will Forte)is a washed up, disgruntled lawyer, that is basically tricked into suing ACME, now a megacorp behemoth, and despite his initial cowardice, he carries on, as this case could turn his life and career around, but soon he, Coyote and his legal team get imbroiled into something even bigger..

it’s a big slapstick court comedy that’s actually a lot of fun, has a timeless message of struggle against modernity, has hearth while also keeping things family friendly, yet clever, as its more than just recreating classic Wile E. Coyote cartoons or having these classic cartoon characters back on the screen, even if it’s magical to see John Cena mock-talk Tweety Bird.

It’s telling of modern WB how they were gonna erase the finished Looney Tunes film with actual passion, as it wasn’t made to promote an already rich sport star.

The Autumn-Winter Schedule Declamation As Foretold

Since the last time i announced it, not much has changed, but i’ll reiterate just in case.

Due to my changing IRL situation, i have decided to shift the update schedule to a more “schedule-less” approach, improvising more and adhering more to a “when i can/its done” release philopophy, since i’m focusing more a full lenght kaiju book (among other things)…. but this will not really matter until January 2027, since most of the scheduled work has already been done and ready, like a LOT, so Spooktacular Eight and 12 Days Of Dino Dicember will happen as usual, for example, and EXPRESSO will remaine a staple rubric, as always.

So the proper, fleshed out general new “unschedule” will be posted post Epiphany (since the 12 Days Of Dino Dicember by nature continue up until January 5th), so for now we’ll carry on as usual, more or less.

[EXPRESSO] The Dog Stars (2026) | The Post-Apoca-Bore

Ridley Scott is not thinking about retirement anytime soon, which is commendable, in a way, but between Spielberg arguablu shitting his Jesus aliens pijamas in public and a film like The Dog Stars, i do wonder if might be for the better to simply call it quits.

Mind you, this is a better film than Disclosure Day, you can quote me on that, it is.

And it’s not even “bad” per sé, there is nothing particularly wrong with anything in The Dog Stars, there’s just not much of anything new, original, unique or otherwise that hadn’t already been done to death with the post-apocalypse survival drama.

In 2035 America, a flu pandemic led to civilization collapse, forcing the few survivors to scavenge for food, items, humanity reverting back to being more tribalistic, feral and murderous.

Hig has “dead wife” syndrome and yet tries to help out the few peaceful pockets of humanity he knows, while fending off intruders on the lot he shares with his old friend-survival partner Bangley, and hoping to find a better place somewhere out there…

Again, nothing wrong, but also nothing that engaging either, and i’m not talking about the action and how is all located in the second half of the film, as it doesn’t change the fact it’s all very uninspired and frankly kinda dull, as the plot offers no surprises or compelling narrative, and is as stock and basic as the characters.

All amounting to 2 hours-ish of mediocre, sleepily paced, derivative film that doesn’t hurt to watch or becomes outright boring, but it’s just middling, constantly reeking of “been there, done that”, the good cast (and the very good photography) can only do so much, and regardless, it just feel fueled by the obligation of doing something more than an actual vision.

[EXPRESSO] Ghost: 2 Big To Rig (2026) | Nights Of The Skeletour

Ghost has been one of the biggest modern metal successes, and the first concert film, Rite Here Rite Now, was both a banger and was the more profitable/grossing hard rock limited cinema event release in the US, ever, so you bet your bippy they were gonna do more.

It’s not like there was gonna ever be a lack of live footage, since the band has been active indeed.

Ghost 2 Big To Rig specifically serves to immortalize their two nights performance (the 24^th and 25 of September 2025) in Mexico during their Skeletour, as 2 hours concert film meant to revisit the event or serving as an entry point into the band, as this one doesn’t require previous knowledge of the band’s lore to get the narrative segments… because there aren’t any.

I will admit, i did like the first concert film more, because (aside liking the tracklist in that one better) it did have those goofy funny narrative segments….but on the other hand they never falsely advertised this as having those, quite the opposite, because 2 Big To Rig is instead just a concert film, which takes some moments to show some “behind the scenes” footage of the massive crew setting up the stage, with a technician comment providing the movie subtitle, as he describes the whole thing as “too big to rig, but we do it anyway”.

And honestly, in this case even this being “just” a concert film i feel is enough, because it’s one hell of a show, the camera angles let you also catch many details of the stage, including the costumes and the amazing visuals for the background displays, which might have been impossible to see during the event, depending on your seating.

So yeah, catch this one in theathers if you can, recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Teenage Sex And Death At Camp Miasma (2026) | QueerAngela

Freshly released in theathers here, Teenage Sex And Death At Camp Miasma is a classic slasher for the ages… as in, this age, the modern age.

Kris is a queer horror director known for a Psycho remake from the prospective of the shower curtains, that has been tasked with directing the reboot of 80s cult slasher series Camp Miasma (a sort of Friday The 13^th crossed with Sleepaway Camp entity), as she is a notorious superfan, but she struggles under the pressure of her own ambition to do something fresh with it, and especially because of the studio push-back to have actress that played thef inal girl in the original film, Billy Presley, come back.

Kris is adamant about it, and decides to meet up nonetheless with Billy, whom has been pretty much living as a recluse in the same place where the first Camp Miasma film was shot….

Yes, it’s indeed a meta-horror that works both as tribute and satire of the 80s slasher, it’s significance today, how the sexual themes reflected anxieties of the era and how this applies in an age where sexuality is very different, especially from a queer prospective, but while it delivers a lot of kills, gore and hilariously excessive geysers of bloods, and it’s more heavy on comedy that you’d expect.

And while it does have an unique “meta twist” that isn’t quite what you’d expect, it’s also fairly straighforward – and deliberately unsubtle- in tackling the genre as a way of sexual self-discovery and emancipation, sold thanks to the amazing performances of Gillian Anderson and Hannah Heinbinder.

Though at times the pacing could be better, and frankly i would have preferred if it ended a scene earlier than it does, but still, Teenage, Sex And Death At Camp Miasma is quite good.

[EXPRESSO] One Night Only (2026) | The Premarital Gex Purge

I was able to see a preview screening for this one, i was curious, as One Night Only has the unique hook of “What if The Purge was about fucking and framed as a quirky rom com?”.

It’s a ni– it’s an elevator pitch that gets you attention, but immediatly you wonder why is this not a dystopian thriller (or horror thriller), as it takes place in an America where they passed a ban on premarital sex, so single people now can copulate only 1 night of the year, with biochips on their arms to enforce compliance.

One guesses it doesn’t apply to non-hetero people, i do guess because we just have the lesbian roommate of the lead girl saying how this is “a thing for the straights”, not that there’s any thought about the terrifying implications of this (or how masturbation factors in), or any of its themes, as the focus is about Allie and Owen, one in search of romanticism during “Fuck Night”, the other having practically broke with her long time girlfriend hours before.

Even if you could ignore ALL OF THAT (and you won’t), the two leads really have little chemistry and you’ll wonder why in this context they didn’t immediatly fuck, not that you’ll care about these two milquetoast characters.

It’s both too heady and nowhere enough, as it wants to be just a casual meet-cute thing, but ultimately is an incredibly regressive, self-righteous, disgusting little film that’s sex-negative, yet wants to be a raunchy sex comedy…. without actually showing any nudity, that you’ll pine for the days of frigging Porky’s.

The movie itself literally says “being an incel is a badge of honor now”, just in case it didn’t already come off as fascist government propaganda selling “The Sex Purge” as a positive thing.

Eepy August Summer Break

As usual, the blog will go on hiatus and resume as usual on the first of September…. well, as i already announced some weeks ago, there will be some relatively big changes coming next year, even though they won’t affect the schedule for the rest of 2026, since a lot has already been done and planned.

I will make a proper post on the 1st of September about that, so in the meantime behave, relax and have fun.

And there are some EXPRESSO reviews that will come out soon anyway, so look forward to those.

Shark Exorcist 2: Unholy Waters (2024) [REVIEW] | #thesharklist

I make no secret that i veheemently hate Shark Exorcist, i’ve always hated it well before i re-reviewed it for the blog “shark month”, and while i’m not making a “Worst 10 Shark Films” listicle because there’s always something worse i haven’t seen or that just released that would make that obsolete very fast, if i did, i would put Shark Exorcist as the reigning champion of shit.

Not that Donald Farmer was ever a good director, he always made trashy B to Z movies, but this one i believe was maliciously made extra bad by design, but then again having 40 years of experience in trash cinema doesn’t guarantee you’ll retain any know-how, or care to even put on a semblance of any competence you’ve gathered, as it was frankly barely indistiguishable from crap like Jurassic Shark, made obviously by a bunch of kids with a camera and zero experience.

Again, it took some nega-effort to make Mark Polonia look like Spielberg in comparison, but Shark Exorcist was indeed something special, not your everyday homegrown Z-grade shark trash.

So when i learned last year Donald put out a sequel, Shark Exorcist 2: Unholy Waters back in 2024, 10 years after the first one…. i knew i had to cover it, and i’m not gonna let it fester too much in my mind this time, we’re doing this now so we can move on.

Here i’d discuss the plot but we already did the bit on the review of the first Shark Exorcist, which had a premise, an idea of a plot, not really an actual plot besides the first 5 minutes, or any actual structure, just random padding, “plot lines” that go nowhere, even calling it a “narrative gibberish” it’s too kind in hindsight, since it honestly doesn’t even have an ending or a proper resolution…. it just kinda stops, and reaches a runtime of 74 minutes just because of random post-credit padding.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] The End Of Oak Street (2026) | Amblin’s Dynostopia

When i first saw in theathers the trailer for The End Of Oak Street showcasing dinosaurs i was sold, even more as it is from director-screenwriter-producer David Robert Mitchell (It Follows, Under The Silver Lake).

So someone knew how to market the film, clearly not who decided, a week before release, to release a promo on social media with talking dogs (not even dinosaurs) doing a podcast, made with generative IA to promote the film… to whom i don’t know, because even the less online, average person will see that and just go see something else.

Congrats to somehow managing being clowned on by the marketing team for fuckin Paw Patrol The Dino Movie, when you have to sell people on a 80s themed scifi mystery where Anne Hathaway knives dinosaurs to defend her family.

The End Of Oak Street is indeed about this family living in a 80s suburban community, which one day wakes up to see their entire block now surrounded by prehistoric vegetation and overrun by dinosaurs, as if displaced by some cosmic anomaly, with them now trying to bend together and survive in this new reality….

On one hand, it’s another movie taking place in the 80s, and unsubtly grabbing unto an Amblin-style nostalgia for the era, and you might feel disappointed if you expected it to hold some crazy twist that turned this into more bonkers territory (or a different ending).

On the other hand, it is a FAR better dinosaur movie than all the Jurassic World films combined, there’s a lot of prehistoric creatures being represented, the family drama is actually as solid as the survival itself, you do care about these characters, and it exactly as long as it needs, not bothering to give overly long explanations that will never satisfy anyone anyway.