Shark Side Of The Moon (2022) [REVIEW] | #thesharklist

Asylum time!

Not any of their random ass fucking shark movies… one of their random ass shark movies that The Asylum was commisioned for the streaming service Tubi… okay this is new territory, in a way.

Okay, this is one where i’m not even sure if it’s a mockbuster of something, sure, it released in 2022 as Emmerich’s Moonfall… but the Asylum already did have time to made two mockbuster of that while it was delayed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, so it’s just them doing whatever random crazy bullshit they want.

Which could be fun, since it’s basically them doing a mash up of Iron Sky and Sharkman but with USSR-era man-shark hybrids living on the moon, and i think part of my brain shutdown just in writing that…. so it’s ironically promising, in a roundabout way.

It sound like a lot of random fun crap, what the company often… well, sometimes can excel at, it’s a crapshoot, a monkey feces throwing contest, creatively speaking.

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The GTA 6 Magical Mystery Discless Kerfuffle

So, i’ll try and be brief about this, as you might have already be bored of this shit.

GTA 6 just had its release date (the actual one, at this point) confirmed, its preorders opening tomorrow… but it turns out not only its 80 bucks, these are are gonna be just boxes with a voucher/code to redeem the actual game.

Obviously, this has pissed off a lot of the game playing populace (most of the “gamers TM” do like defending the right of corporations to fuck them over more and more, because they’re gamers), rightfully so, even as the industry pushes even more to a complete digital market monopoly, which is kinda soothing, even if it stems from just wanting at least a fuckin disk with the actual game since it costs 80 bucks.

OR DOES IT?

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[EXPRESSO] Arion (1986) | Anime Titans

Yeah, i’m gonna bend the rules this time around since this is a 40^th anniversary restoration of a 1986 anime film that never got released here in theathers (or anywhere), just preceed by a recent release of the manga of the same name the film is based on, needed since i never even heard of this.

Somehow, as this isn’t some random anime film, this is written, directed and illustrated by Yoshikazu Yasuhito (also behind the original manga work), a legend known for his character designs on the original Mobile Suit Gundam anime, with orchestral soundtrack by composer Joe Hisashi of Ghibli fame.

Despite being named after a mythological black horse that – among other things – saved the king of Argos, thestory of Arion is basically a retelling of Greek mythology filtered through Japanese sensibilities (worth remembering Saint Seiya started just a year prior) that mashes the many myths and re-elaborates the various gods, demigods, humans and lore in a way that’s still kinda unique to this day, and fits the subject matter while standing on its own legs.

Arion is the demi-god spawn of Poseidon, kidnapped as a child by Hades and raised to believe his mother’s blindness was caused by Zeus and that killing him would cure her, so he sets on a quest only to eventually find out the truth and try to fight back against the fate as the Olympian gods willed it…

Honestly it’s amazing, it’s definitely not just stunning to look at with his meticulous hand drawn animation by Sunrise that still looks impressive, it also lives up to being an epic action-adventure, with lots of action, conflict, magic and brutality (plus very brief occasional whismy), superbly paced, that is still pretty dang impressive to see in cinemas even today.

Very good stuff.

Platformation Time Again # 9: Croc: Legend Of The Gobbos PS1 | PS4, PS5 | GBC

HISTORY

Given it’s quite well known how Croc came to be, i’m tempted to brashly summarize things, as most you already know this was originally a Yoshi game Argonaut Games (more famous for their collaborative work in the original Starfox/Starwing on SNES) proposed to Nintendo in 1994, only for it to be rejected, but instead they reworked the prototype (which was a mix of Mario Kart and Super Mario World called Yoshi’s Racing) into their own IP as 3D platformer, and since they cut direct ties with Nintendo after the original Star Fox 2 – which also had Argonaut involved in developmente – was cancelled, in 1996 they shopped around for publishers until settling with Fox Interactive, as they wanted to make a multimedia franchise out of it.

This is a very succint digest of the story… or is it?

Yes it is.

It said that since the Yoshi Racing prototype was presented in 1994, and it might have strongly influenced Nintendo with the “similar project” they had already in development, which would turn out to be – what else? – Super Mario 64….. but then again, this was said by Argonauts Games founder, Jez San, in 2013 Eurogamer interview, while in a 1997 interview he more cautiously – and correctly – said the similarity between the two games might have been completely coincidental.

Even more so since – as just pointed – Nintendo already had SM64 in development and it’s not like they were many example of 3D platformers before 1996, aside from the original Jumping Flash, which is still peculiar since it’s also a first person 3D platformer, and no, Beam Software’s Bug! was more of a 2.5D affair than a proper 3D platformer.

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Snakes On A Train (2006) [REVIEW] | Poco-loco-motion

Since we took the opportunity to review Snakes On A Plane some time ago for the movie 20^th anniversary and the 4K UHD Bluray rerelease by Arrow Video meant to celebrate that, i guess it’s inevitable we cover the mockbuster version the Asylum cooked up the same year, as in, Snakes On A Train.

I mean, why not, i got the UK DVD release for peanuts years ago, might as well.

As with most of their mockbusters, the plot is legally distinct from the movie whose cottails they’re riding on, and just shares the same idea/copies the same gimmick, this time a public transport vehicle being filled with killer snakes, a train in this occasion as it’s cheaper to shoot.

In a way, this should have been a really fuckin easy one.

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Earth Defense Force 4.1: Wing Diver The Shooter PS4 [REVIEW] | Bullet Ant Hell

To further prove how Earth Defense Force 4 port-expansion for PS4 and PC, EDF 4.1: The Shadow Of New Despair, was when the series really started getting popular worlwide, D3 Publisher figured just making DLC mission pack for the main game wasn’t enough, and so had developers Clouds Inc and Giga-Rensya Inc spun a spin-off game from EDF 4.1 assets, releasing first as a digital download on PS4 and then PC via Steam.

This being Earth Defense Force 4.1: Wing Diver The Shooter, which indeed focuses on the Wing Diver unit/class, presenting a “gaiden” story of sorts that has a Pale Wing/Wing Diver unit face off alone against swarms of enemies, but this time in a 2D vertical shmup fashion.

Sounds fun and frankly it’s perfect to make a spin-off in this style off a series that already has so much “arcade DNA” in it, there’s very little more arcade than 2D shmup action.

Sure it used 3D models from the mainline game of the era, but gameplay is classic 2D spaceship shooter that scrolls and for which “tate mode” is a thing…. which i have to admit feels weird, since you basically never miss the enemies even though they look more in the distance or foreground, there’s a bit of disconnect due to them reusing the 3D assets from the EDF 4.1.

from a technical standpoint, this is basically D3 doing the ol’ Tecmo Koei thing of fashioning out a new Samurai or Dynasty Warriors spin-off from an earlier mainline entry, it basically reuses old assets A LOT, the same enemy models, with some little new in terms of enemy variants or new stuff in general, aside from the mission dialogue, with the usual cheesy so bad it’s good english voice acting we’ve come to expect (and love) from the series to accompany the wafer thin plot that sees basically a Pale Wing/Wing Diver squadron on their own separated mission, one that runs concurrently to the events of EDF 4.1 story. Or something. Doesn’t really matter much.

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“We only used AI as reference”

Slippery slope arguments are ironically slippery slopes in themselves, but this clearly isn’t the case, as this isn’t the first time we have seen this disclaimer, but personally what set me off was it coming immediatly after the announcement of a new Crazy Taxi game, Crazy Taxi World Tour, rumored for months but now finally proper announced and arriving on current gen consoles and PC next year.

This should be a time of excitement as the summer reveals for upcoming titles are shown…. yet it’s all a parade of poisoned chalices, as the newly shown/announced Tomb Raider game, also has a similar, and it’s even worse as it’s a remake to boot.

I don’t blame the staffers, as this is 100 % a decision imposed by the corpo as they bought on this bubble that’s bound to burst even sooner than expected (and it should), forced upon the people that actually do the job instead of being handed golden parachutes.

Again, this new tech so good it has be imposed and made mandatory at every level to try and justify the use, again, because investors emptied gajillions on the new tech fad/buzzword that makes them sound “in touch”, fuck any expenses or impact it has on the world, the business doesn’t care, as abundantly shown, and nor do the people actually responsable for it.

I don’t like having to write this, i really do not, i’ve been wanting a new Crazy Taxi in forever, the little gameplay footage from the trailer does look good…..but not like this.

It’s shitty when the Let It Die sequel of sorts did, and i swore off on that, i’ve done the same with the new Layton (and other stuff of theirs) due to new Level 5 CEO being so adamant and obviously fellating in words and actions this new fad, it’s even worse (if a lot more expected) when big companies do this.

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Batwoman: L’Invincibile Superdonna/La Mujer Murcielago AKA The Batwoman (1968) [REVIEW] | The Spy Who Lucha’d Me

While i could have waited to spring this one on you when The Batman Part 2 finally releases…. that date is still far away, but the Supergirl live action film is not, so why not, and there’s still shit like Batman Da Il Pianeta Eros or Batpussy i could review for the occasion.

I’ve been recently studying up on ye old lucha libre mexican cinema, whom some of you might have been exposed via the few localized american version of El Santo movies, which called him “Samson” since El Santo as a figure wasn’t really know in America… nor is it now, but him and many other masked luchadores were also starring in their own film as themselves.

Some of you might remember stuff like the MST3K fan favourite Samson VS The Vampire Vomen, or the adjacent “luchador free” old The Robot VS The Aztec Mummy, but let’s just say these are just the tip of the sweaty beef iceberg, as there are dozens, hundreds of these films made in Mexico, most about El Santo but other luchadores like Tinieblas, Mil Mascaras or Blue Demon had their own film series, which often mixed spy film, gothic horror, mad scientist and monsters and of course had crossover, with some like El Santo and Blue Demon now teaming up to undo a sinister scheme of world conquest or strange murders ordained by some comic book styled mad doctor.

These were basically superhero series of their own right, just that the hero existed inside and outside of the ring, and his masked identity was kept as such, so, in the same way we call Dwayne Johson by his nickname regardless of what movie he is or what character he is playing, these movie do star El Santo or Black Shadow in the credits, they are playing a character alright, but they’re still rocking the luchador persona as the main one, as you would due to lucha libre tradition in this regard.

Due to some cultural sensibilities in common, we in Italy did get a few more localized films of this genre, but this one today is a bit of a “cheat”, in the sense it was an Italian-Mexican co-production starring Maura Monti, an Italian-Mexican actress and model that was in many Mexican films in the 60s, aside from this one, even if this the one she’s more recognized from, alongside 1966’s neo noir thriller Rage, where she acted alonsgide Glenn Ford.

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Tentacles (1977) [REVIEW] | Jawsuckers

While i have already set my shark movie picks for the summer, i wanna give you something extra in the “killer aquatic animal” subgenre of Jaws rip-offs that don’t fit the “shark month” criteria… well, because they are not about sharks at all.

(This was supposed to be an extra review for July, but i’m gonna do it now as “compensation” for the Masters Of The Universe movie review having to bedelayed AFTER i posted the schedule)

But make no mistake, this is basically the producer of the original Piranha, Ovidio G. Assonitis, credited as Oliver Hellman, cashing into the Jaws craze by stringing together a lot of old big Hollywood actors and having something to put in theathers ASAP, ideally to get some box office revenue in before Universal released their sequel to the original Jaws.

There’s very little point to go over the plot of Tentacles (“Tentacoli” in its original italian release, which is just the italian word for “tentacles”) because you know the plot outlin-well, the plot everything, this is just Jaws but with a giant octopus doing the terrorizing and killing in the waters of a small beach town.

Some small details are different, but there’s no point circling around the obvious, this is “Octo Jaws” and the characters are also transparent in functioning the same as in Jaws, but look, we have an admittely impressive number of big name Hollywood actors roped in: Bo Hopkins, Shelley Winters, John Huston and even Henry Fonda.

Even with Fonda swapping in and in doing so eluding us from having John Wayne in a Jaws rip-off, i can’t deny this is impressive, and sure did help a lot in marketing the film… as in, good for having those names on the poster and hence working wonders as a honeytrap to sucker people into seeing a very fuckin boring Jaws rip-off.

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The June EXPRESSO schedule

Time for more talk of “upcoming attractions” for EXPRESSO revies, and terms of upcoming or just released films i can make some promises.

First, since we also got a limited theathrical release of The Amazing Digital Circus finale in cinemas here, i will be attending tomorrow, so for Sunday that review should be up.

Not too long after that the review for the new Masters Of The Universe live action film (which released yesterday here) should be up.

Some of you might think i’m missing a horror related comedy thing…. i don’t know what you’re talking about, we know those things don’t actually exist, no point in assuming what a movie like that would be if it doesn’t exist, nor i recall ever being a thing before. One can wonder, though, of a what such a hypotetical film would be.

I will be seeing Toy Story 5 and Disclosure Day, there’s no fixed date yet but reviews for those will happen.

Closing off the month, we’ll get reviews of Gore Verbinsky’s Good Luck, Have Fun, Don’t Die, the Supergirl film, and of an anime film called ChaO (which is releasing here in late June).

Maybe (MAYBE) you’ll see a review of the new and last (the very last one this time i suppose) Jackass film, again, a very big MAYBE.