[EXPRESSO] Jo Jo Bizarre Adventure: Golden Spirit iOS | The Gachalands

Probably comes as no surprise to anybody that Golden Spirit is another pile of gacha shit… but still, i decided to give this one a try.

Mostly because i haven’t played one of these in a while and because it’s Jojo…. and starting off, gameplay it’s not exactly what i figured it would be from the trailers, and by that i mean it was sold as a “ tactical RPG”, which to me means a Tactics style turn based affair, this is actually a real time autobattler where the more pressing issue is positioning the units, so yeah, it’s another idle self playing borefest, the strategic hook of the Rush mechanic meaning very little, and of course the roster is infested with VERY minor characters, so you can gamble for the ones you really want.

Or hope you can unlock them in event story cutscenes…. some of which even when available will wall off content with 14 hours timers, like the Stardust Crusaders one, because the game starts off with Part 5, Golden Wind, the Jo Jo series taking place in Neaples, Italy and following Giorno Giovanna, the son of Dio Brando, as he fights to overthrow the mafia’s mysterious boss.

Hope you already know everything JoJo because the game never really explains shit, despite starting from Part 5….of 9.

While it mostly looks quite decent, it goes the extra mile of not just reusing frames from the anime for the story scenes (alongside recreating them in various styles), fairly common in itself, but sometimes passing those through an IA filter, making them look worse upon any scrutiny, too.

Its so utterly generic that you could have EASILY slapped another anime license/skin unto it… and i’ll just say it looks identical to a bootleg Jujutsu Kaisen mobile game, Jujutsu Malevolent Shrine.

Global Defence Force Tactics PS2 [REVIEW] | The GDF Deploys!

After unexpected delays, we’re tackling the final EDF title yet to be featured for Summer Of EDF, Global Defence Force Tactics on the mighty Playstation 2.

What happens when your budget game does well, you make a sequel, and since EDF 2 did sell very well in Japan for its budget price range in the Simple series catalogue, being the only title of the Simple label to sell over 200.000 copies, D3 figured to capitalize on its success (again, those today are small numbers but EDF was also sold as a budget title in Japan) and basically had a quick Tactics style spin-off made.

And keeping up with the previous marketing choices, EDF 2 Tactics would only be localized for PAL territories, as Global Defence Force Tactics.

Yep, they even kept the British spelling of “Defense”, it’s not a typo, it’s still a bit weird, but i guess why change it for a spin-off back then, would have made things even more confusing.

Also, as a personal note, i’m glad i bought this years ago, as now an used PAL copy asks for 50 bucks mininum, and it was already kinda rare before, being a very late PS2 release under the Essential Games budget release label used by D3 Publisher/Namco Bandai in Europe.

That said can actually see why you would made this, since the EDF series does lend itself to also become a tactical turn based rpg, this one developed by thinkarts, a very niche studio that worked under D3 doing other tactical games… and a PS2 port of that visual novel with Tomak: Save The Earth, you know, the “i can’t believe it’s not a Suda 51 joint” literal potted head of a goddess you have to literally nurture?

Which was actually rereleased globally and was a freebie on the Epic Game Store, this isn’t an ad (i don’t play Fornite and i think most people use their platform just to get free games, i buy games on Steam and Gog for PC), just an amazing set of coincidences.

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[EXPRESSO] Metal Slug Rush iOS | Survivors’ Front

I would like to thank the new SNK for choosing that subtitle, as it really is a gift to “do a gaming journalism” on, especially since it got released not so long after being announced alongside a supposed big return of the series on consoles and PC.

I wasn’t even sure if bother with this, since i don’t need 300 words to review or described Metal Slug Rush, as this is indeed the expected type of experience for a mobile spin-off of an old series, as in, clone what is popular at the moment, what’s easy and dandy to copy-emulate.

In this case, it’s Vampire Survivors, whose formula is now the go-to game type, i mean, they made a Hololive themed one, even that horror comedy, Renfield, got a “Survivors-like” tie-in game, and there’s even a Jujutsu Kaisen game with the VS formula coming up this year,

It is shameless, and it doesn’t really add anything of its own to the formula beside the fact the main weapons are guns and hence long range, plus as every MS mobile spin off ever released (aside from Metal Slug Awakening), it’s basically a giant self-asset flip as it reuses the old sprites A LOT, heck, they even recycled artwork of the Instructor from that Mission School extra mode.

But frankly MS fans might enjoy the old pixel art better, i sure do, and to be honest, it’s a decent VS clone, it’s alright, considered its a F2P gacha thing, one that opts more to force grinding/levelling gear more than other, and at least it doesn’t try to lull you into the extended early period where you’re given enough currency and materials to progress, but instead makes it clear fairly fast that there’s convenience and wares to be had if you have coin.

My 14 Hours with Arknights Endfield (PS5)

While i might still do an EXPRESSO review for it, even if it’s a F2P game… actually because i’ve played my fair share of anime F2P gacha games over the years, i know that unless they completely overhaul the game, they will simply introduce more content or new game modes that don’t substitute the main core experienc, the story will be continued with new updates but the foundation will most likely remain, because unless is utterly broken or impopular, there’s not even a monetary reason to scrap the work already done.

I might reserve doing that EXPRESSO review when i at least finish the first chapter fully (at the time of writing i0m halfway through Chapter 1, are 2 big story chapters split in at least 5 subchapters each, more or less), even though i’m very close to doing that and i’ve already passed the “freeride” initial portion of a F2P game where progression will require grind not just to keep levelled up your squad (or level up a new one), but also to progress due to the story requirements being tied to your overall “research level/rank”.

I’m releasing this now as in a 4 days the game will receive the biggest update/expansion, “Homecoming”, i ment to release this piece 3 weeks ago but things got in the way, and i haven’t played much more in between that made me change my opinion on the game, plus i’m not even sure i will go back to the game on a regular base anyway, so we’re posting this now. before it becomes completely outdated.

I might still do an EXPRESSO review, but it seems unlikely, we’ll see.

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Platformation Time Again: The Rayman Situation

Ubisoft is in so much in financial straits that it’s willing to remember they have this historic franchise that built their company back in the day, outside of licensing him so he can sniff coke and enjoy body sushi in a Netflix animated special.

I mean, good for him, but there’s no hiding the fact Ubisoft is making this to (also) try recoup some goodwill… which is obvious bullshit since i do remember when back in the 2010s they held the IP “hostage”, basically saying that if they wanted another 2D Rayman after Origins customers would have to prove their loyalty by buying the new Assassin Creed and their other shit.

Heck, they even did the same shtick for Beyond Good & Evil 2, which has been in development hell for years and at this point i’m sure fans would be pleased if they did just cancelled it instead of vaping up our asses, since i doubt modern Ubisoft is able to make a real follow up to BG&E without… well, “Ubisofting” it to oblivion.

But we’ll deal with that if they ever say anything substantial about it ever again, at the moment Ubisoft is doing some remasters, having launched earlier this year a collection of the many versions and ports of the original Rayman, and conferming the leaked reveal of a Rayman Legends remake…. as in, a graphical remake, meant to include all content that was previously exclusive to the Wii U and then the Switch rerelease.

I don’t necessarily think remaking the game to use 3D models when it’s still a 2D platformer made much sense, but on the other hand they also had the bright idea of including a rerelease of the previous modern 2D Rayman game, with Rayman Origins Enhanced Edition just included in the base release, not beholden to a special launch edition or one of their “deluxe” tiers, which i think it’s a very smart move on their part, as it justifies the price a bit more.

Still pissed off like pretty much all modern Ubisoft…. well, all modern console releasess, even physical copies will require to basically download the entire thing via internet, and i’m sure Origins will just be a voucher to redeem even on PS5.

Sure as hell i won’t be preordering since i still have Wii release of Origins and the original Wii U version of Legends (plus the Switch port), so in case i end up managing to prepare a PTA review on those, i’ll use those mostly for the time being, though there isn’t any review for the rubric coming soon that’s about the French limbless hero of yore.

I’ve considered doing one on the original Rayman but i just couldn’t fit it in the schedule before, and i definitely do not now, i would like to, but i’ve also got a book to write so it ain’t exactly high on my “to do list”. Sorry.

Hopefully Ubisoft can get around to rerelease Rayman 2 and 3, before they likely will kick the bucket-get absorbed by Vivendi or something, i would like at the very least, since i’m not really betting any money in them doing a new 2D or 3D Rayman game detatched from the fuckin “rabbit Minions”.

But then again, a new Spyro has been announced despite Activision-Blizzard, so maybe there is a brighter future awaiting the brainchild or Mr. Ancel, in spite of everything….

Shark Side Of The Moon (2022) [REVIEW] | #thesharklist

Asylum time!

Not any of their random ass fucking shark movies… one of their random ass shark movies that The Asylum was commisioned for the streaming service Tubi… okay this is new territory, in a way.

Okay, this is one where i’m not even sure if it’s a mockbuster of something, sure, it released in 2022 as Emmerich’s Moonfall… but the Asylum already did have time to made two mockbuster of that while it was delayed due to the COVID-19 pandemic, so it’s just them doing whatever random crazy bullshit they want.

Which could be fun, since it’s basically them doing a mash up of Iron Sky and Sharkman but with USSR-era man-shark hybrids living on the moon, and i think part of my brain shutdown just in writing that…. so it’s ironically promising, in a roundabout way.

It sound like a lot of random fun crap, what the company often… well, sometimes can excel at, it’s a crapshoot, a monkey feces throwing contest, creatively speaking.

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[EXPRESSO] Supergirl (2026) | Poco Lobo

Following the 2025 Superman reboot by James Gunn, we now have the spin-off/sequel-thing of Supergirl, about Kara-El, the cousin of Superman himself, as she is forced out of her drunkard-vomiting in the back of the space-caravan lifestyle when she defends a young girl in search of a mercenary or anyone able to kill the evil space brigand that killed her entire family, and said intergalactic thug almost “John Wicks” her dog, forcing Kara/Supergirl to track the bastard down so she can get the anti-venom she needs to save her dog Krypto, and aid the local girl along the way.

This brings the young girl and Kara to also stumble upon the legendary intergalactic bounty hunter Lobo (played by Jason Momoa)….

It’s a coming of age story of Kara actually becoming Supergirl, a relatively small side adventure for her which also gives us a bit more background on the fall of Krypton (in this continuity anyway), with relatively small scale, and its fine, i don’t think this was ever meant to be much more, though the script fails to capitalize on its themes of sisterhood, and it’s too bound to Superman, not just in the sense that Kara is made to be not that different character wise, but also how the film is directed by Craig Gillespie trying to imitate Gunn’s style.

And while it is a big cameo in the end, it’s undeniable that having Lobo helps a lot in making the film rise above general mediocrity, and you kinda wish he was given more space (shame they canned his movie), or that the movie actually made the emotional turmoil deliver the proper punch they are going for, which doesn’t quite do, but it’s still above average and there’s some fun action to it, making for a decent superhero film.

[EXPRESSO] Disclosure Day (2026) | Those Alien Bastards

Steven Spielberg is back again to revisit his favourite subject, aliens, the third kind of encounters one could have, in Disclosure Day.

I would commend Mr. Spielberg for sticking to this particular subject in this day and age, and indeed having the plo tackle how a sudden revelation and proof of alien life existing and being previously covered up by the government would change things in a modern setting where reality barely registers as such, via a security computer expert going rogue once contacted by a mysterious faction, and an unwilling local meteo woman that finds herself capable of unexpected feats…

But then i saw the film.

I’m just miserable, since Disclosure Day is Spielberg as his worse in recent years, and maybe ever.

Despite allegedly being a passion project and providing the subject, Spielberg seems to half-ass it most of the time, not that there’s much to be done with an embarassingly awful script, so bad it’s outright stupid, full of undeveloped characters with no chemistry spouting embarassingly bad dialogues, doing incredibly stupid shit to an absurd degree, plus one it thinks its so profound despite barely touching upon its own themes.

The runtime its incredibly bloated too, and all feel so absurd by taking place in modern day and have us believe that in the internet age uploading some video files to the web is like hacking one of those 80s mainframe computers that were as big as rooms.

Even with Spielberg as his worse, he’s still better than most and occasionally some scenes will actually be kinda good, entertaining and tense, like the car chases and the train scene, and the cast often delivers performances that are way better than this film deserve, and help carrying the thing.

It’s not unwatchable, but it’s so disappointing and frustrating.

Earth Defense Force 4.1: Wing Diver The Shooter PS4 [REVIEW] | Bullet Ant Hell

To further prove how Earth Defense Force 4 port-expansion for PS4 and PC, EDF 4.1: The Shadow Of New Despair, was when the series really started getting popular worlwide, D3 Publisher figured just making DLC mission pack for the main game wasn’t enough, and so had developers Clouds Inc and Giga-Rensya Inc spun a spin-off game from EDF 4.1 assets, releasing first as a digital download on PS4 and then PC via Steam.

This being Earth Defense Force 4.1: Wing Diver The Shooter, which indeed focuses on the Wing Diver unit/class, presenting a “gaiden” story of sorts that has a Pale Wing/Wing Diver unit face off alone against swarms of enemies, but this time in a 2D vertical shmup fashion.

Sounds fun and frankly it’s perfect to make a spin-off in this style off a series that already has so much “arcade DNA” in it, there’s very little more arcade than 2D shmup action.

Sure it used 3D models from the mainline game of the era, but gameplay is classic 2D spaceship shooter that scrolls and for which “tate mode” is a thing…. which i have to admit feels weird, since you basically never miss the enemies even though they look more in the distance or foreground, there’s a bit of disconnect due to them reusing the 3D assets from the EDF 4.1.

from a technical standpoint, this is basically D3 doing the ol’ Tecmo Koei thing of fashioning out a new Samurai or Dynasty Warriors spin-off from an earlier mainline entry, it basically reuses old assets A LOT, the same enemy models, with some little new in terms of enemy variants or new stuff in general, aside from the mission dialogue, with the usual cheesy so bad it’s good english voice acting we’ve come to expect (and love) from the series to accompany the wafer thin plot that sees basically a Pale Wing/Wing Diver squadron on their own separated mission, one that runs concurrently to the events of EDF 4.1 story. Or something. Doesn’t really matter much.

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Shark Listings & The Mini-Summer Of EDF

As previously announced, we’ll have the usual 6 shark movie reviews but this year they will be sliced with 2 every month until August, we already begun the month with the Hindi language shark-laden masala film, Aatank, and that’s literally just the antepasta, there’s plenty more of far weirder shark related shit to see and talk about.

Also previously announced in that previous article, it’s how we’ll have a mini “Summer Of EDF”.

A fun sized version because there’s simply nothing else bearing the name EDF left to review, aside from the PS Vita expanded port of 2017/EDF 3 that is stilly a digital only 30 bucks thing on PSN and what, the mobile autoclicker EDF 4.1 Tap Wars?

As much as i would love to keep talking EDF games, we have only the PS2 tactical spin-off and the EDF 4.1 shmup spin-off left to cover, so look forward to the reviews of those, and remember that the EDF will -inevitably- deploy.

Again. Not soon, as EDF 7 (thought it should be called X for reasons obvious if you played EDF 6) isn’t a thing, but we know that eventually Sandlot will make another one, and i’d prefer for the team to rest and come back with something even more stupid, crazy and fun than before.

I mean, D3 could still outsource a “boomer shooter” spin-off, they did one for Starship Troopers, so….