[EXPRESSO] Shark Bait (2022) | Jet Ski Adrift

Just before i was gonna import it on DVD, it arrives localized in cinemas here, and you can bet yo’ ass i’m not gonna miss a shark movie showing in theathers in this day and age.

Especially since it hails from the company behind the 47 Meters Down series, and last year’s shark flick Great White, so it comes with certain expectations.

Plot is fairly simple, in usual shark movie fashion.

A group of friends celebrating Spring Break abroad decides – on the last day of the festivities – to steal a couple of jet skis and drunkenly fuck about with them before going back home.

They have an accident and find themselves adrift, trying to survive and search for any help they can get, with one of them sporting a badly injured leg that eventually attracts sharks…

Nothing original, but some of the best shark movies that opt for a more realistic approach and actually are horror thrillers do work off straighforward scenarios like these, where most of the action happens in a very restricted scenario, and this movie it’s no exception.

Honestly it has a lot going for it, from very good production values, very good looking shark and practical gore effects, but it manages to create quite the satisfying tension and solid atmosphere, so it doesn’t just look the part of a professional “big budget” released.

It’s decently acted too, shame that it could have been proper good if the characters were more than likeable cliches, and if the third act didn’t overused the shark, sacrificing tension for action in a very rushed fashion, mostly to even further drag out the finale.

Still, it’s a decent, solid shark movie, a lot more captivating than i expected, and it’s definitely better than Altitude’s last year offering, Great White.

Horror Shark 3D AKA Blood Shark 3D (2020) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

Shark attack movies are an appealing worldwide phenomen, so it’s not surprising even mainland China would eventually invest more and more in these, as they can serve a fairly new domestic cinema industry and are easy to export since the genre is pretty popular everywhere. Shark never get old for audiences, after all.

Obviously this isn’t the first chinese shark movie ever, or even the first one we featured here, but it’s China very first 3D big budget shark attack film. It has received a fairly easy to find DVD release on online marketplaces, but i watched it on Youtube, as it was uploaded in full on YOUKU’s Youtube Channel, with english subs available.

The plot of Horror Shark 3D (also known as Blood Shark 3D) concerns “a swimmer and a marine paradise trainer (trainer for what?) who accidentally fall into a huge conspiracy about blood sharks.”

At least this is the plot synopsis you’ll find around the web, but i’d say it’s badly translated and partially incorrect.

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Noah’s Shark (2021) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

Since i couldn’t find the 2017’s Land Shark (not the chinese one we reviewed last year), let’s pick something a bit more recent from the output of Mark Polonia that also almost makes want to revisit and review Shark Exorcist… again. I still don’t want to.

So let us bask in the nourishing homemade waters of Noah’s Shark.

It was either that or “Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse”, also by Mark Polonia and released in 2021.

Banger of a title, perfect bait for both the naive and the connosseur of “no budget homegrown cinema” that dares challenge audiences with crappy stopmotion dinosaurs and papermaciè sharks.

But still, even in this tier of poverty filmaking we’ve seen worse.

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Apex Predators AKA Jaws of New York (2021) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

Younger readers might think they saw everything, heard about everything, but don’t underestimate how deep the abyss is, since i can still search for and find more shark movies i’ve never even heard the title before, doesn’t matter if its decades or days old, the black depths keep spewing them out.

Cards on the table, what did i expect from the director of Ebola Rex, RoboWoman, Axegrinder 2, 5G Zombies, Angry Asian Murder Hornets (just to name a few)?

I’d say nothing, but that is not true, because a mental void would be quite calming, this isn’t the case here.

Plot? Sharks attack the beaches of Los Angeles, leaving corpses around just in time to ruin the opening of a new resort. Done.

The rest – as in 90% of the movie – is boring ass random padding or clumsy exposition dialogue that often has nothing to do with anything else, and even when an actual plot or narrative start manifesting, it just isn’t worth caring or describing in any detail aside from the shark being a spontaneous mutant, or at least we’re told so, and that’ll have to do since we never see any of this.

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Orca: The Killer Whale (1977) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

Let’s take a break from the “noughties”, enough of this modern shit, let’s go back to when Jaws rip-offs were still fresh in the eyes of audiences and a new glistening opportunity for some cheap cash grabs to exploit. So of course Dino De Laurentis was involved, may he rest in peace but damn he know when to jump on a bandwagon, even if this time we’re not talking giant apes.

And the story behind Orca The Killer Whale is indeed fairly simple in terms in conception, as Dino De Laurentiis saw the incredible success of Jaws, and wanted to quickly put together a similar film, though it wanted to upstage Jaws by having the title killer animal being even more ferocious and powerful, so he did really got suggested to make it about an orca, since they notoriously hunt sharks. And they are also quite stinky, if some orca-themed vtubers are to be believed.

Then again, how many movies marketed to exploit Jaws’ popularity have the Paramount Logo at the start, are directed by Micheal Anderson (Logan’s Run, The Dam Busters, Around The World In 80 Days), AND feature a score by Ennio Morricone?

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Megalodon Rising (2020) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

As we extensively estabilished before, when it comes to shark movies The Asylum doesn’t even bother anymore to wait for a mainstream blockbuster release to mooch off… which i can’t really blame on them as those almost completely went extinct, with almost exclusively low to no budgets shark movies flooding the market every year.

And as usual, this is one of those they just kinda put out with no fanfare, to the point i knew this existed only because i happened to stumble upon its UK DVD release while browsing randomly on Amazon one late night.

I mean, more important stuff happened in 2020, but still, put 5 bucks into marketing!

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Blood Surf (2000) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

The new millennium brought upon us many things.

And a movie called Blood Surf was sure one of them, though it sound more like a videogame title.

In hindsight, it’s perfect specimen for this month dual theme, as it answers a question nobody asked, as in “what if we made a shark movie, but with a croc/gator instead?”.

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Dam Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] #sharksncroc

No, it’s not a typo that they eventually went with as the official title.

The sharks in question are “dam sharks” because they act like beavers and construct dams with wood and body parts of the people they tear apart for lunch.

And despite everything that i will say about the movie, i can’t deny that this is a new one, we never saw movie sharks act in this specific manner, so Dam Sharks has already something that puts it above most of the other crappy shark movies.

It has a somewhat original idea, even thought the rest it’s so very typical and it joins the strangely populated ranks of b-movies about freshwater (or non-salt water) sharks rampaging through rivers in the swampy areas of the U.S. Interior Highlands, or bayou based rural America as a whole.

For those wondering, no, there’s no explanation given to any degree as to why the sharks (ignoring how they got there to begin with) are constructing dams with human bodies parts and branches, as if they mindlinked with a pack of beavers and Griphis from Berserk. They just do.

I’m gonna write this off as a positive because it cuts down on an even dumber and likely not fun explanation, with minutes spent in researching the shark species with a 2000’s era PC interface or boring pseudo-scientific explanation to “beaver sharks jump-attacking people on the river”.

On the other side of the plot, we have the “human buffet” to which the sharks feast on, made of a tech company’s staff going on a “wilderness retreat thingie”, and the local sheriff trying to kill off the sharks before they can claim more victims. Well, the local sheriff and the local crazy-ish redneck with a gun that doesn’t like tourists and a shady not disclosed past, gotta have that one.

Did i forget to say that the boss of the tech company it’s a smarmy control-freak douchebag, or that there is a romance subplot where the acting ability and the chemistry on display reminds one of a dead sea urchin? Or that there also scenes of random paintball matches, alongside the redneck and “beauty and the nerd romance” crap?

And yes, not only they rip-off the old classic “Smile, you son of a bitch” (and the gas cylinder as a way to explode the shark into bits, wonder where they go that from), BUT the script goes the extra mile to be even more hackeneyed, as they also steal famous quotes from Aliens, with the complimentary low-effort self-refential element of them naming Sharkenado, or saying that “they saw that done in a movie before”, the latter being said at least twice. SIGH.

Also, one character it’s named Kenny just so they can shout his name when he dies.

This one is from Cinetel, yes, they’re still around, and at least that means that they actually have a budget for this TV movie, it’s just slighly above what i call the “Asylum tier” in terms of special effects and CG, so the sharks look crappy, but WAY better than plenty of other shark movies featured here that decided money for anything wasn’t something they needed to care about.

There is a budget, so at least that means no monsters made of dried up papermaciè, crafted out of old newspapers orwhatever crap the directors had lying around in their fridge, and there are some recognizable faces for the B-movies buffs, with Jason London, Eric Paul Erickson and Matt Mercer that help salvage the overall quality of the acting from being outright crap….but still subpar.

Overall, Dam Sharks is basically a worse version of Ozark Sharks, but the somewhat original idea of a dam created by sharks with trees and human body parts gives the ordeal a grotesque shadow of novelty, helping the movie in being… again, just subpar.

Not one of the worse ones, oddly enough.

Dinoshark (2010) [REVIEW] | #sharksncrocs

More Roger Corman, continuing his b-movie legacy well into the new millennium with the “Roger Corman Presents” line of made for TV or direct-to-video b-movies he produced, this one being a spin-off of sorts of the Dino Croc series. Yes, series.

At the time of writing i haven’t got around to those, not that it matters, as a movie like this was simply bound to be made, and i’m surprised it took this long for the words “dinosaur” and “shark” to be married by the ol’ “b-movie priest”, but i guess 2010 was the year for this kind of trash, as Roger Corman also produced Sharktopus.

The first of the “Sharktopus trilogy” i mean.

Also, apparently this is a remake of 1979’s Up From The Depths, another Jaws rip-off/inspired film.

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The Sharks & The Crocs

As promised, this year we’re gonna let our reptilian friends join what’s usually Shark Month on here, hopefully that’ll will make you wanna stab me with knives a little less, as the bi-daily posting schedule will remain, meaning the roster of reviews has been cut in half to 15.

Not too happy about that myself, to be blunt. It is what it is, sadly.

(also, yeah, baffled that Panty & Stocking is coming back, it actually is)

See you later today!