Bone Eater (2007) [REVIEW] | So, as i pray

Yes, there’s more. There’s always more TV movie monster movies for me to dig up… often just picked to kill off some time on a sleepy saturday morning from my Amazon Prime Video watchlist (when the frigging service decides to keep or relist them without charging more for it, despite being obvious fodder, always were, always will). And there’s a 40 % chance Jym Wynorski directed them.

Jym Wynorski direct this as well, why even doubt he didn’t direct them all at this point?

And as you might have guessed from the year it was released (and my other reviews of similar TV movies), it’s another SyFy commissioned crapfest produced via CineTel films, who also brought us movies like Lavalantula, the Ghoulies franchise, Super Shark, Indipendence Daysaster, even the new strand of I Spit On Your Grave sequels (following the 2010 remake). Just to name a few.

Explaining the plot of movies like these feels kinda pointless, even more when the title really says it all. There’s a “bone eating” monster on the loose.

Why it’s on the loose? Ignoring the requests of native americans, a construction crew (on the order of a ruthless land developer) unearths an ancient indian burial ground, freeing the beast, which grows stronger the more people it kills.

Who will stop the beast? The sheriff, of course. This time it just happens he’s half Native American, but still, this is a cliche bingo card SO easy to fill in a matter of seconds, thanks in no small part to the absolute motherload of Native American stereotypes, and the lack of respect for… well, everyone, Native Americans, viewers, actors, etc, but it’s not surprising, it’s not.

Don’t forget the usual cast made up mostly made up of very old and/or washed up TV actors that have been in pretty much everything, some even in frigging Buck Rogers.

Add one more space for the violent Native American who plans to use the beast in order to get vengeance, people sitting in office desks doing nothing, trite familiar conflict, and you’re ready to go watch the absolute “brain wiper”. Just mindless B-movie bullshit with zero thought to anything in it, that almost defies critique, as it’s so transparently, immediatly crap that pointing out its peta-derivative nature feels like cruel overkill.

Grab the pen and cross-out the “crappy CG monster” from the card as well, as the mystical skeletal monster it’s so crappy looking it kinda has to seen to be believed.

Seriously, Spinal from the original Killer Instinct looked better, and i’m not even talking about technical prowess, the design for the bone monster in this movie it’s utter crap you have to see to believe it’s actually something from a real movie and not something thrown together for a joke.

Wizard Of Oz had better special effects in comparison, let’s just put it like that.

If nothing else, Bone Eater serves as a perfect monument to not giving a fuck, about anything, existing exactly for obvious purpose of being seen on TV to kill time, you don’t have to pay much attention to it, to be glanced upon when you hear someone scream, sometime to have playing in the background and occasionally take a look to while you’re checking your phone, eating or whatever.

It feels foolish, almost, to be really “shocked” by its lack of quality when the titular creature of a movie called Bone Eater…. doesn’t actually eat bones, he just uses his “bone blades” to shank-dissolve people into dust via laughable digital effects, making for completely goreless kills as well. And can summon a bone horse to ride, but this movie can manage to make even that mildly boring.

Inane, pointless, even as “so bad you gotta see it” TV movie it barely qualifies.



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