There is something to be said when even The Asylum decides to NOT bother giving sequels to another random giant monster movie fully undeserving any kind of second chance.
Yeah, this isn’t the starting point of another Mega “insert animal name” series, or a “spiritual sequel” to the 2000’s movie called “Python” (which got an actual sequel two years later), this is a one-off for both the Mega Python and the Gatoroid, the latter being a very tortured pun not on a popular energy drink brand, but on the fact they “roided up” a fuckin alligator.
As for the why they did this, is basically revenge, because activists (with Dr. Nikki as their leader) liberated a lot of pythons in the wild, resulting in overpopulation and decrease in the number of alligators, but the hunters chosen to solve the problem are being picked off by the pythons. One of the dead hunters was Terry’s boyfriend, so Terry – in a fit of rage and random scripting – decides to inject dead chickens with anabolic steroids, and then feed the chickens to the pythons. It just so happens an experimental serum was mixed with the steroids, so they actually become “Gatoroids”, and the python themselves get mutated when they eat the eggs laid by these “beefy gators”.
If you’re thinking this makes absolutely no sense… you’re absolutely right, even for The Asylum this is rubbish, just have a fuckin random mad scientist inject them with random green ooze, instead of this inane bullshit. Also, the plot has the leaders of hunters (Terry) and the activists (Nikki) clash and end up catfighting, because this is also a vehicle for the two pop singers, Debbie Gibson and Tiffany Renee Darwish, who play the main protagonists, and hence the movie has a couple of their songs on the soundtrack. Tracks used at random, i might add.
In a way, you already know that this is gonna be some really, REALLY bad crap, when your movie has to reuse footage from frigging Mega Shark VS Crocosaurus. This one does it.
All of this doesn’t necessarily has to translate in a completely unpleasant trashy flick, because sure as shit this movie knows its audience, knows what it is, but doesn’t bother to see if YOU might accidentally have any fun watching it. Characters are all dumb as a bag of hammers, and the detestable kind of stupid, even the main protagonists, like the guerrilla activist who will fight for the right of python to eat her face. I’d say this gel together with how the people that write these movies see animal activist as a whole… but then again, this would require some intention or backbone from the writers, and both the ranger and the activist are actively despicable AND dumb.
Not only that, the script even wants you to take their sides, but they’re both written as “insane bitches” with an insult vocabulary so laughable not even Nelson Muntz would use it, they end up catfighting (in what is the most notable scene from the movie), and they are responsable for this mess, so it comes as a total surprise to see the eustuary dedicated to them at the end, a totally unwarrented and underserved in memoria. Why not dedicate a medical pavillion to Joseph Mengele, while you’re at it?
But somehow the worst character is the comic relief, in this case a ranger who is supposed to be goofy, douchy (“do i have to call my cousin?”), but is unfunny, its actor can’t act, and it’s so dumb to tricked by the “throw stone in a place to attract attention” manouver (mostly used in zombie videogames), despite the person throwing said stone being IN FRONT of him. The rest of the cast ain’t much better (mostly made by familiar faces for the Asylum aficionados), but better, even if more often than not they seem on verge of burst out laughing. The best actor is definitely the late Kathryn Joosten, doing an elderly ranger that manages to gun down a giant gator with a regular gun.
Arguably, the catfight is the worst/best part of the movie, as is the most entertaining, but it’s so bad and juvenile… i’m so glad eventually pythons and gators arrive to make the scene LESS stupid, let’s just say that, even if that means that everyone at the party is asked to draw their guns out, and even the valet packs heat. It’s not funny, it’s just less stupid than the catfight, which actually keeps going while all this happens.
It’s as crap as it gets, with the sprinkle of horrendous continuity errors, as one character beheads a python with a knife, then immediatly he says “i have to cut it’s head off”, all in the same sequence, sequences in a moving vehicle are obviously made when the vehicle isn’t moving, and it’s hard to say if the vehicle was supposed to be still or moving, it’s THAT BAD. Jokes are so embarassing and low effort you either get angry or depressed at how lazy they are (having a python attacking a blimp with The Asylum logo it’s cute but not enough), just to make things even worse.
The CG for the pythons and gators is crap, just a smidge better than the one seen in Anaconda 3… then at time it’s even worse, with the python eggs badly photoshopped over a barn (or something), or an alligator that doesn’t seem to even exist in the same frame as the one occupied by the actors running in the swamp, it’s clear nobody was trying at all in any regard with this one.
There are some fun ridicolous sequences, like a Mega Python eating a whole train in transit, but outside of a couple gifs, out of context clips and some screenshots, but make no mistake, this is rock bottom, one of the worst ones i’ve ever seen from The Asylum and similar productions, lazy, random, and one of those that feels way longer than its 85 minutes, where you end checking you clock and somehow we’re still far away from the crappy conclusion.
I liked this one a lil’ better than Mega Shark VS Octopus just because this didn’t have an obnoxious romance as elongated filler, but even if you’re bored out of your gourd, there are plenty better crap movies to watch, even if just want to waste 90 minutes on sometime mindless… please don’t bother.
On the flipside, if you’re searching for total crap, you have found something to make Sharktopus more dignified and competent in comparison. Just be careful for what you wish for, because you can always go deeper in ocean of cinematic trash.
OR you could treat yourself and watch a good prehistoric reptile movie, like Crawl.