5 Headed Shark Attack (2017) [REVIEW] | Skipper Sharks

5 Headed Shark Attack 2017

Your assumption is correct, there is no 4-Headed Shark Attack, you’d think they skipped to 5 just to confuse people watching this junk, since this is the third movie in the “X-Headed Shark Attack” series, not the fourth. … but believe it or not there’s a reason for it. Kinda, as they basically already did the “4-headed shark” at the end of the previous one, in a mathematical sense.

Does it mattes? Of course no. You know it doesn’t, even if you did remember how the previous one ended. And in that case you’d ask why not skip directly to 6-Headed Shark Attack, but patience, we’ll get to that. Yes, there is a reason. Kinda.

This time is directed by Nico De Leon (who never worked on anything else, at least according to IMDB), and Jose Montesinos, and the like a fanged starfish, a 5 headed shark goes to do his usual killing & feeding on the beaches of Puerto Rico, because he has never been there before, even if this clearly isn’t the same shark from the previous movies, but evidently there’s a shark fairy that makes them spawn when needed, if a production team wishes upon a star.

But before that, we gotta have the shark cause some havoc at sea, then he can go to Puerto Rico, where the police and the usual stereotype marine biologists (yeah, Jotaro Joestar) try to save the day from the monster, who actually enters the movie with 4 heads instead, and 40 minutes in, grows another one… on the tail. Like an enemy design from Kancolle, but stupider.


Yeah, didn’t expect that. But it’s not like it’s used much, just as en extra mouth to chomp on bits of surfers, and i guess as an extra brain, since the shark actually gets smarter and gains various abilities, at least where the script needs them to pad this thing out to 90 minutes, like hiding from sonars, specifically attacking propellers to stop boats from moving, ignoring chum bait, and counting on the authorities to forcefully rip-off the same old plot points from Jaws, so they don’t alert the public.

Despite the authorities involved personally seeing both photographic proof, having seen the monster kills some of their buddies get chomped on, and most of people actually operating on logic (including the aquarium’s boss, the greedy asshole that wants to capture the shark for money), with some seriousness, at the same time nice to see but wasted. Then again, when the movie tries to be funny is either hum-drum clichè salad that doesn’t evoke any emotion, or cringy passing “references” (title drops, for the most part) to other Asylum movies, like Sharknado or 3 Headed Shark Attack, between the inevitable filler bikinis photoshoots and stuff.

But then again, the general emotion is mild disinterest, not complete apathy, since the movie at least delivers the very little you’re brought to expect, and if anything the actors deliver surprisingly competent performances, definitely better than a movie called (and about a) 5 Headed Shark Attack calls for. Sadly most of the cast isn’t even recognizable this time, no ex-stars or people with careers “roped” into these, just actors that have worked in some fairly unknown tv series or other Asylum TV movies. The most recognizable one is Chris Bruno, here playing shark hunter Red, who was in tv series such as C.S.I., NCIS, Numb3rs, The Dead Zone TV series, even E.R.

Overall, i’d say it’s slightly worse than 3 Headed Shark Attack. While the tone is a bit more consistent here, the previous one did had 6 minutes of Danny Trejo, after all, and i did catch myself checking the runtime less times, the CG… i’m not gonna bother talking about it, you know how it is (you should by now). Yeah, watching all 90 minutes of this one may require more liquid lunch than the previous one, so keep that in mind, even if splitting hairs at this point.

5 Headed Shark Attack 2017 this videogame sucks

Still don’t know why the skipped a number in the titles, since they actually could have called this one 4 Headed Shark Attack, but thanks i guess, it makes it easier for me to catch up. And it’s not like this is the end, 6 Headed Shark Attack was just a year away!



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