Younger readers might think they saw everything, heard about everything, but don’t underestimate how deep the abyss is, since i can still search for and find more shark movies i’ve never even heard the title before, doesn’t matter if its decades or days old, the black depths keep spewing them out.
Cards on the table, what did i expect from the director of Ebola Rex, RoboWoman, Axegrinder 2, 5G Zombies, Angry Asian Murder Hornets (just to name a few)?
I’d say nothing, but that is not true, because a mental void would be quite calming, this isn’t the case here.
Plot? Sharks attack the beaches of Los Angeles, leaving corpses around just in time to ruin the opening of a new resort. Done.
The rest – as in 90% of the movie – is boring ass random padding or clumsy exposition dialogue that often has nothing to do with anything else, and even when an actual plot or narrative start manifesting, it just isn’t worth caring or describing in any detail aside from the shark being a spontaneous mutant, or at least we’re told so, and that’ll have to do since we never see any of this.
Continua a leggere “Apex Predators AKA Jaws of New York (2021) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs”
Let’s close this year’s Shark Month with a big bang, shall we?
And frankly i don’t think there’s anything better in that regard as Sky Sharks, a movie you’ve might have heard of but wondered when or if it’s actually coming out.
Borne from a succesful Kickstarter campaign, Sky Sharks was supposed to come out in 2018, but production hit roadblocks, various issues came up, for some time we didn’t hear anything about it at all, but then, in 2020 it resurfaced, complete and was released, even on home video (might have to import it, though).
And it was definitelly worth the wait, since this one of those rare shark movies that sets out to be a big B-movie by design, trying to tick all the usual exploitation-but-awesome points… and actually succeds in living up entirely to its trailer promising flying sharks piloted by undead nazi uber-soldiers, alongside nudity and lots of gore. It’s just missing vampires, a christian-protestant feud, psycho priests with bayonet-blades longer than an arm, but i’m really nitpicking in this case.
Continua a leggere “Sky Sharks (2020) [REVIEW] | Gott ist im Himmel”
Want some fresh shark movie? Well, it doesn’t get any fresher than this, as this is the more recent movie we’ll spotlight during this year’s Shark Month, and was released just last month, both via theatrical releases in some countries, and video on demand.
Personally, i discovered it among the new releases on DVD while browsing Amazon UK, was pretty cheap, so i ordered it asap. It helped being promoted as “from the executive producers of 47 Meters Down series”. Even if it’s a half-truth, as both Jack Christian and Christopher Figg DON’T appear listed as “executive producers” in 47 Meters Down or 47 Meters Down Uncaged, at least on IMDB.
I understand “from one of the producers of Dog Soldiers” wasn’t gonna fly, but why don’t actually sell it as “from the producers of Black Water: Abyss”, where they did work as executive producers. It does come from Altitude, one of the main companies also behind the 47 Meters Down series, so..
This is an australian production, with – fittingly so – australian actors (partly filmed off of Brisbane’s coast, to boot), and it’s directed by Martin Wilson, pretty much as his debut full lenght feature, as – according to IMDB – he directed two shorts and a TV movie called “Roll”.
Continua a leggere “Great White (2021) [REVIEW] | Seaplane Rescue Rumble”
We do gotta pick every stitch, it is always season of scripts running down the ditch,
sharks are out to make it rich, must be the season of sons of a bitch
I’m sorry Donovan, but these fuckin movies often leave me little choice but just invent shit like this, especially when scriptwriters don’t even bother to make the premise stand out for movies like these, so at a glance they mesh all together and often can be really sketchly summed, as they barely have anything to say or show. Especially when they keep getting released under alternate titles that are either mystifing, deceptive, or already used by older, better known shark movies. Because fuck you.
There’s no other explanation than “fuck you” when you release this recent shark movie as “Shark Attack” for its UK DVD release. And as “Deep Blue Nightmare” for US TV broadcasts. (sighs)
Continua a leggere “Shark Season (2020) [REVIEW] | Tis Is”
No, no the kids movie, you silly.
Know what? Let’s talk about a good shark movie, for a change, let’s talk about The Reef, from director-writer Andrew Traucki, here at his second directorial role for a feature lenght film, after debutting with Black Water, another survival horror film, but about a saltwater crocodile (later followed by Black Water Abyss).
This one is often brought up when discussing the best shark movies, and by pure coincidence it’s another Australian production, like Bait 3D, which happens to be one of my favorites and one of the better received shark flick all around. And boy do we need good ones to offset the avalanche of shit shark movies pumped out on yearly basis, we really do need some good one once in a while.
Continua a leggere “The Reef (2010) [REVIEW] | Seas For Fears”
While i promised myself i wouldn’t review stuff like the Corona Zombies films (made DURING the height of the pandemic in 2020 by an even more more shameless and cynical Full Moon Pictures)… i still will pretend they didn’t actually happen, alongside stuff like Angry Asian Murder Hornets, but chance and curiosity took the best of me when i stumbled upon this movie while walking down the river. I figured i could at least use it for this year’s Shark Month, and i selected it for the title alone.
So color me…. not really surprised when i actually started doing some research and finding out it’s yet another Polonia Bros joint.
And no, i didn’t plan out to review so many of their movies, at all. It just sorta happened.
At least they waited until 2021 came around instead of shooting it 3 days during mid-2020 so it could be “shot” and released during the height of the pandemic?
Continua a leggere “Virus Shark (2021) [REVIEW] | Bad Taste Sharks”
It was just a matter of time before we reached the Nazi end of the sharkxploitation spectrum, and this – as we will find out later in Shark Month – isn’t even the only shark movie like this.
At least in regard for this combination, it’s from Mark Polonia (of the Polonia Brothers), so you already known what to expect, including a kickass poster that we just know it’s bound to be better than the movie itself in every way. I do like the posters they make for these flicks, genuinely do.
The plot takes more than a page from Frankenstein VS Baragon/Frankenstein Conquers The World, as it basically rips off the idea of the Creature’s heart (and in this case, also the brain) being immortal, and applies it to a “Franken-shark” created by mad scientist Dr. Klaus, as he continues a previously shut down experiment about weaponizing sharks the Third Reich started during WWII.
Now, more than 50 years later, the experiment has been concluded and the “super Nazi shark” is set loose on the small seatown of Katzman Cove, where three friends have come for a boating trip, and now have to survive this unexpected threat so obviously NOT cooked up by The Doctor from Hellsing.
Continua a leggere “Sharkenstein (2016) [REVIEW] | VS Baragon (not included)”
As opposed to any other zone. We gotta be specific, it’s only the billionth shark movie to come out, but apparently the first one to have the balls to claim this zone as specifically designed for shark use only. So it’s NOT their fault you happen to walk in there and get eaten. Sharks are people too.
Or in other words “Go into the water, live there, die there, live there die”
What do you want? You wanna know the plot? You don’t. More accurately, you don’t need to, even if you just red a lot of reviews of shark movies you can fairly accurately assume what is gonna happen before even seeing it, or go pretty close.
This one of those that aside the usual fare of beach community, majoral dickery, and sharks munching people has the “lost treasure hunt by order of a mob boss”.
Continua a leggere “Shark Zone (2003) [REVIEW] | Welcome To”
As said as the end of the Ghost Shark review, 2 years after that movie we would get… another movie. Called Ghost Shark 2, for sure, but being unrelated to the 2013 Ghost Shark movie produced by SyFy, because numbers are for idiots with their logic and assumptions of sequels.
We encountered many cases of titles implying the movie are sequels when they’re not, many times, but Ghost Shark 2 is a peculiar case, as it started as a fake trailer (well before the first Ghost Shark was even a thing, odd as it sounds) and eventually became a real movie, like Hobo With A Shotgun, after production of a feature version did start in Auckland back in 2010.
Yeah, this is a New Zealand production, and the movie wants you to know it takes place there, in Auckland, specifically, because why not.
Continua a leggere “Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (2015) [REVIEW] | The Auckland Haunting”
I’ve actually already reviewed this one on the old italian blog, but it was years ago, and this is a crapfest worth a complete rewrite: I mean, i kinda have to spotlight a movie called Sharks In Venice during shark month, even though i would have felt the same obligation if i was bulgarian, because of course Sharks In Venice isn’t shot in Venice, but the far cheaper Sofia, Bulgaria.
This one in particular it’s produced by Nu Image, and boy were they pumping out shark movies fromn the late 90s to the 2000s, so it comes at no surprise this is directed and written by Danny Lerner, director of Raging Sharks/Shark Invasion (itself a kind of spin-off of the Shark Attack series), and 2003’s Shark Zone. So we are in… middling hands, at the very best.
I guess he really wanted to make a shark movie with the mafia involved, which brings us back to Jaws once again… the original novel, this time, but still, we are bound to eternally have to notice how all sharks movies in some way spawn from that Spielberg’s 1975 classic. In some way or another.
The plot sees a scuba diver, David Franks go to Venice accompanied by his wife, in order to talk with the local police force and locate the whereabouts of his missing father. While investigating the canal where David’s father may have been seen for the last time, he discovers an underwater cave filled with treasure, and manages to survive the attack of a shark. The mafia gets wind of this and then blackmails David into going to the cave and bring them the rest of the treasure.
Continua a leggere “Sharks In Venice (2008) [REVIEW] | Bambino Sharks In The Canal”