Parasite (2004) [REVIEW] | Not that one either

Not Bong Joon-ho’s. Not the Charles Band’s kind of Parasite either.

Not even the manga by Hitoshi Iwaaki, sadly.

With this one we’re reaching deep into the ass of forgotten crappy b-movies from the early 2000s, dumped among many of its brethren on streaming sites, i discovered it while browsing Amazon Prime Video, and i would wager it’s pretty much available on the service anywhere in the world.

Sometimes you decide to watch a movie on streaming that sports an aggregate score below the 3 out of 10 on IMDB, but you still aren’t prepared for the fecal magnitude you’re about to witness, i mean, look at how useful or “accurate” is having Rotten Tomatoes (none), so i often take these average scores with a big boulder of salt, and sometimes i just don’t agree with them.

This is not the case of someone having seen 2 b-movies in its entire life and spamming 1/10 ratings and “worst piece of shit ever” reviews, this is quite something indeed.

Let me tell you, it has been a while since i stumbled upon a stinker like this, a complete, total trainwreck.

Plot is about an abandoned oil rig in the North Sea, with a scientist working for the oil company tasked to test-retrieve an experimental fluid left there, a crew sent to clean the place up, and a group of enviromental activists also boarding the rig in order to stop them causing more pollution by summarily disposing of the site. Maybe.

But what do you know, the drunken member of the clean up crew accidentally mixes the fluid with cleaning solution, and this result in worm-like fanged creatures that start overrunning the ship, killing people and reproducing in cocoons. And they barely can described as parasites since they don’t even need a living host at all, nor they need to eat, they just kill people because they are the monster in a low budget direct-to-video/TV movie, they never “possess” or use people.

If this sound like it doesn’t make any sense at all… it’s because it doesn’t.

Complete nonsense at its “finest”: the plot barely can be defined as such, more like a sequence of random events that just happen to be part of the same shit narrative, tied together by some of the worst editing i’ve ever seen, so bad you’ll question how the fuck most of the scenes play out, when the shit lightning isn’t purposely obscuring the fuck awful looking creatures, the movie doesn’t cut back to the same CG estabilishing shots, green screened helicopter rides, with crappy and cheap special effects (and some ok practical ones, i will give the movie this, it’s fair) that would make even The Asylum blush in embarassment a bit.

Continuity errors abound, scenes often very little to no sense, and overall is even hard to gauge the size of anything in relation to anything else, be it the size of the fuckin “parasite worms with teeth”, the ship’ rooms. But of course it doesn’t end here, as we also have incredibly mono-dimensional, farcical stereotipes passing as “characters”, spouting some of the worse dialogues and exposition i’ve heard (even for a B-movie, they’re so fuckin lazy and bad it’s almost surprising), with a cast that includes Oliver Price and Conrad Whitaker (in his acting debut) delivering some primo bad acting.

It’s such a confusing, non-sensical mess of a movie that by pure incompetence ALMOST goes into “so bad it’s good territory”… but not quite. The only nice thing i can say that at least you’re kind curious to see where it goes, as it makes even less sense as it goes along, but aside a couple of unintentional laughs, it doesn’t even has memorable moments and feels incredibly stretched.

Seriously, what’s with very bad movies and oil rigs?

If you want crap, this is rare, obscure crap, friend. Enjoy.

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