Planet Of The Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Unchrome Shark

So, yeah, what happens when you mix Jaws, Waterworld and Mad Max?

You get slapped in the face by a producer, then the Asylum decides that’s gonna produce this one as well, because why not one more shark movie at this point? I mean, with the director of Sand Sharks, Android Cop and The Terminators (yes, plural) at the helm, what could go wrong?

Yeah, this time we are in a post-apocalyptic world where the glaciers all melted due to global warning, making it the perfect habitat for sharks, who dominate the planet led by a mutated alpha shark (a very hungry one, too), and now turn to hunting the human survivors, living in boats, junk cities floating with rafts n shit.

I’m willing to guess this is a post-apocalyptic world, since the worldbuilding is utter shite, and makes the world of Kemono Friends seem more believable in comparison. I guess this is what happen when you task Asylum directors to make a “real movie” or even mash together elements ripped off from more popular ones, because it tries to do more than usual and somehow manages to be even more embarassing, constantly befuddling the audience, talking about stuff that isn’t self-explanatory and not explaining it until some scenes that come way later.

Not that it actually matters, with such a god awful script, so bad you’ll be asking questions continuosly, because even when they explain stuff… you’ll need an explanation for the explanation, it doesn’t make any sense, even when you try to extrapolate the very basic gist of it. It’s a lethal combinational of convoluted AND senseless, i think their plan was to build a missile to hit the atmosphere and “dry” the planet, which is – maybe – related to using magnetic waves to ignite a dormient underwater volcano to kill off the sharks, after having lured them via a bout of very, very convenient scriptwriting.

I think,  anyway, it’s that big a mess of senseless bullshit devoid of even basic logic.

And this isn’t nitpick, so many scenes are utterly pointless, like how they stop by one of the floating “cities”, who has a Mad Max-esque female leader, and they go there to watch them do a ritual beat/dance for too many minutes, until they attract the sharks, and pick them off like guppies, until they don’t. For context, they stopped there because they needed help for the mission, but that reason goes completely ignored and forgotten by the end of the scene, and terrible direction help in making you question what the fuck is happening, pretty much all the time.

You might be wondering why i’m being more “aggressive” on this one, and it’s because this has definitely a more ambitious concept than most shitty shark movies, but doesn’t have anything else, so the usual bullshit is amplified because the movie wants you to take it more seriously, inadvertedly putting an even bigger focus on the enormous incompetence , with the usually bad CG sharks, CG cities and building that look like something you’d see in early PS2 game’s cutscene, and a budget that’s not scaled, so you can easily tell they filmed most of the movie in shallow waters near the beach, when they don’t just cut to sequences of open ocean (and you can tell).

Also, if you’re gonna rip-off Waterworld, i’d be nice if you could have a reason for dragging around the girl that survives the initial shark attack, it’s not like the girl in Waterworld where they want her because of the map instructions written on her back, here they keep her around because they don’t want her to die, nice enough people i guess, but she isn’t special or useful to plot in any way. Or talks, she has like, 5 mono-syllabic lines in the whole movie? The rest of cast is mostly made of familiar faces for the Asylum connoisseurs, who at least act better than a movie like this deserves.

Guess this is what happens when you wish these movies tried harder instead of doing the same old shit and just adding a flimsy gimmick, because there’s always a monkey paw inside of these fuckin sharks, evidently. And in this case, the curling monkey finger also granted a fuckin sequel, with Empire Of The Sharks. Which i’m NOT subjecting myself to anytime soon, i truly hated this one.

Really, really bad, frustratingly bad, boring and braindead, even for the Asylum.