Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005.png
Yeah, not a clear edit. Good lord, at least have matching fonts. 

This is actually Spring Break Shark Attack, but sold on home video as Dangerous Water Shark Attack, like in the UK DVD version, which also sports a cover trying to imply a more grim tone to the titular shark attack, totally trojan horsing to the shark movie aficionados a movie with such a generic name, making them think this is The Reef.

Really, even Jersey Shore Shark Attack had more to it, even if it was due to mixing together (and unofficially) two different – yet perfectly compatibile – flavours of trash, this is exactly what it says on the tin, and one that must have required very little brainstorming. Shark movie. Spring break. Teens played by “not quite teen” actors. Bikinis. Send tweet. Send script. Print. Beautiful.

There’s absolutely no reason to go over the plot, really, but it’s customary, so here we go.

Of course you need something else besides sharks in a shark movie, and the main trust of the narrative is a dumb TV teen drama, with the main character being Daniell, a girl who has secretly gone to Florida to celebrate Spring Break on the beach, instead of working at Habitat For Humanity like she told her parents. There she falls for a local guy named Shane, and also get the unwanted attention of a creepy frat douchebag named T.J. (how fitting), who just wants to be his “sex trophy” for Spring Break. At the same time, Danielle’s brother and marine biologist Charlie is doing some research on tiger sharks, and tries to warn his sister (and other) that a huge swarm of is coming.

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005 douche patrol

Yeah, most of the movie is really this boring ass teen drama (complete with TJ roofing Danielle’s drink and then trying to rape her in her sleep, of course he would), to the point the movie… pretty much forgets it’s supposed to be about sharks, and when it finally remembers that, with 20 minutes left before the end, it overcompensates big time by throwing dozens on tiger sharks on screen.

To be honest, it’s not that bad, but this type of trash just bores me immensly, to the point i would have welcomed a more exploitationy edge, but no, the teen drama is grounded in some reality, but i found myself aggressively bored by the conflict and the characters, i really didn’t gave a toss about anyone or anything. Acting is not that bad, but like the photography and the production values, this is just a case of plain, absolute mediocrity all-around. With obvious edits making it manifest this is a TV movie.

It’s inoffensive, it can be… observed, but unless you truly enjoy watching bad teen drama (with some genuinely creepy moments intended as such, i will say this) and laughing at it, i found it aggressively boring, so much i will admit i “skipped” 15 minutes of the second act by putting the play speed at 1,5 x and then 10x speed, which is contrary to my “religion”, i hate doing this, but i was THAT bored and tired of the movie taking his sweet time to get to the point.

And i didn’t do this while watching Shark Exorcist, which i profoundly hated.

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005 cherry geyser.png

I guess this constitutes the “stand-out feature” of Spring Break Shark Attack, because sure as shit nothing in the actual movie stands out in any way. Some actually decent or good special effects and some enjoyable moments don’t really count as there’s very little in the way of gore or shark action, until the very end of third act, when the movie remembers it’s about tiger sharks and not bad & creepy teen drama, and the ratio it’s something like 90 % that, 10 % shark movie.

Not the worst one, definitely not, but it’s kinda worse, as its total, abyssal mediocrity and generic nature make it just plain boring, really badly paced, crap, but without any spark of fun in it, without anything interesting to find in its carcass, which is a double death sentence for a shark movie. You can be bad, but you can’t be bad AND boring.

85 minutes of boring, insufferable, desperate struggle to find some seconds of mildy acceptable low-grade entertaiment. Not worth it.

 

 

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