Ice Spiders (2007) [REVIEW] | Ski Spiders

As promised in the review of Spiders 3D, here’s the review of the spider creature feature TV movie Tibor Takacs directed before the 2013’s Nu Image/Millennium Film one that happened to pretty much be a remake of the 2000’s movie Spiders, produced by the same company.

You might argue i maybe should have done this before Spiders 3D, and you would be correct, but i didn’t even find out Ice Spiders existed before doing research for the other one, so here we are.

I should have guessed that a movie like this would exist, because i do believe this type of genre B-movies (especially if made for TV like this one) will eventually fall victim to what i call the “Pokemon Singularity”, with desperate filmakers mixing and matching animals with a random element/type, and if we can have sharks made of ice, sand (so “earth”), fire (atomic), even ghostly “dark” sharks, sure as shit we can have a movie called Ice Spiders. Possibly about literal spiders made of ice.

No, this time they don’t come from space or are alien in any way, they are just the usual mutants experimented on (with DNA of an ancient fossil arachnid) in a secret government lab, that happens to be located in a remote mountain. This translates to giant spiders (and not “made of ice-able to spit ice”) that escape from the lab and start chomping on a team of olympic ski trainees that went to a ski resort on the very same mountain in order to be coached by a retired Olympic skier.

It somehow plays like a bigger budgeted and more focused – but somehow even less creative – Avalanche Sharks, at least that one had a Native American curse and ghost sharks, it was stupid but a bit more interesting to talk about compared to what will have be qualified as “TV ski drama”.

Yeah, this time it’s up to a retired ski olympic champion to save the menace of de jour with the aid of…. guess what, a scientist and a ranger (still basically a sort of sheriff), while the army (no commandos or mercenaries of any type this time) gets massacred trying to hunt them down.

The same old shit, an a lot of the same old issues as well, with a very flimsy plot and lackluster “action” spread across an “almost 90 minutes but not quite” runtime, etc.

It’s honestly that kind of generic bad that leaves very little to say, to the point criticizing any further feels pointless, as it’s exactly the bog standard bad, borderline boring as shit creature feature TV movie you expect, but it’s not THAT crappy, at least the effects can do for this kind of production, they are mostly practical, low budget but passable for a TV movie, and even the CG spiders, with their rubbery, flat, cheap textures, look slightly better than the ones in Spiders 2. Most of the times.

But frankly, even the older, messy as hell, Nu Image spider flick had more “charm” to it, this one goes so much through the motions it’s hard to even find stuff about it worth talking about, i guess it balances out the cast being made of actors (including Patrick Muldon of Starship Troopers fame) you might recognize that are clearly capable of much better but are given crap to act out and sure as hell they have no intention (or reason) to try at all. So they don’t.

The only thing that came as some kind of surprise is the “ski teens” dialogue, i wasn’t quite ready for the extremely 90s lingo and the onslaught of “bummer”, “gnarly”, etc.

I expect this kind of writing from a 1999/2000/2001 b-movie, not so much anything from 2007, especially since it’s not stylized as a throwback to 90’s monster movies at all. Which would be kinda pointless, so it ultimately doesn’t matter. It’s almost endearing, still garbage dialogues though.

Wanna watch a very crappy and quite generic TV movie about killer spiders?

Ice Spiders is one of those.

You can do quite worse, at least thing it moves at a decent pace, the plot – generic as it is – makes sense and has no plotholes, the ski theme isn’t that bad, and the finale is cute.

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