Megaboa (2021) [REVIEW] | Orchid Roberts #snakesofjune

More snakes. Want ‘em? You’ll get them anyway, because they’re one of the basic b-movie elements, and even without going back to stuff like Ssss they’re a costant in terms of b-movies, with Snakes On A Plane becoming the very first big cult movie sensation fueled via the internet, years before we saw The Asylum crystallize the formula but doing it crap on purpose with good ol’ Sharkenado.

It doesn’t matter if they’re big, mutated or come in swarm, snakes are an evergreen choice for this kind of movie… mostly because they’re easier (and cheaper) to animate being a limbless animal.

But let’s not involve reality, we’re talking another frigging giant snake, and i guess none told the makers of these creature features that’s there are more magniloquent terms for “big” outside of “Mega” and “Giga”, otherwise we would already be at “Peta Python VS Zettapuss”.

I swear i don’t do the intro to allude the fact this too it’s made by The Asylum, i saw the DVD for this out on Ebay, bought it right then and there, and when it arrived i saw the back of the box, not really surprised to learn they released this quietly in 2021.

I mean, this is pretty indicative of modern Asylum, as everybody got past the novelty factor of discovering either their crappy mockbusters or their monster movies time ago, so the company just keeps doing its thing to very few people caring or caring to make a fuss about it, with most of their releases just coming and going, aside from last year’s mockbuster of Godzilla VS Kong.

Guess they did have to continue their “Mega legacy” with Megaboa.

Though you can tell this is a new one, as they are trying to have the characters NOT be massive assholes for cheap gratification when the monster de jour eats them, but instead try to make them come off as reasonable and nice… but they still aren’t that interesting or likeable, so they end up being bland and not worth giving much of a shit about, for different reasons than usual.

The plot sees Eric Roberts as an anthrophology professor being airdropped with some graduates in a rainforest to document cave drawings, only to being picked off by a supposedly extinct giant species of boa constrictor, despite the help of a trapper that already knew of the creature.

And because God forbid these scripts be somewhat original, we also have a “orchid harvesting” subplot that’s important, ripping off the second Anaconda movie’s plot.

Acting it’s subpar, seen worse but of course the highlight it’s Eric Roberts as expected, even if clearly he’s absolutely not giving a shit about the performance here, just quarter-assing it completely for the paycheck.

He’s basically in full “A Talking Cat?!” level of non-effort.

And still, he’s the most interesting actor to look at and listen to, which is made extra ironic by how the younger actors (one of which looks like a short-haired Logan Paul, minus the interest of defiling the dead for Youtube clout) do genuinely try in some scenes, while Roberts sit in a camping chair for 90% of the movie, because a hornet spider bit snuck into one of his shoes and bit him. XD

The snake action is okayish for this kind of movie, there’s also spiders (of the small and bigass variety), the CG is exactly what you’d expect, so it’s not all bad, but it’s the usual combo of too much footage people walking in the woods searching for content, very little of action monster action, a slim serving of barren plot and Eric Roberts slumming his part all the way.

Pretty typical sub-par Asylum serving, not helped by its unsatisfactory attempt at a semi-serious approach and an half-hearted effort to make you care about the characters.

Kinda watchable but also devoid of notable stuff, so nothing that warrants a watch.

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