There’s a free bingo slot in the schedule, so you know what it means: randomly picking of a B-movie from my watchlist on Amazon Prime Video, discarding the ones that are not available at the moment or require another paid subscription on top of the Prime one, despite being included before.
I’m SO not paying 10 to 30 bucks so i can watch Ghoulies II.
So instead we are going with the everabundant disaster movie choice, there are enough of these made for TV ones to craft a new artificial landmass, in case need be, and this time we’re doing Stonehenge Apocalypse, from our other recurring peddler of low budget TV movies about disasters, monsters and cheesy B-movie stuff all around, Cinetel Films.
The plot starts with some tourists visit Stonehenge, only for the structure to mysteriously rotate, create an electromagnetic blast that basically zaps into dust the poor people on the site, causing the goverment to intervene and close off the area.
Not that it will stop the local looney scientist, Jacob, (played by Misha Collins, better known as the angel Castiel from the hit show Supernatural) from investigating the truth, once he takes a break from his radio show on conspiracy shit, that is.
Somehow Stonehenge has become an organic (as the stone structure is filled with primitive bacteria that create EMP blasts) electromagnetic weapon that is connected with pyramids (of course they are fucking piramids) and similar ancient sites all over the world, making them “activate” and unleash some kind of powerful disaster, like a vulcanic eruption in the Yucatan, quakes in Indonesia, etc.
the only one that seems to know what to do is Jacob, as nothing that the scientists and military can throw at Stonehenge seems to even faze the stone formation, and they have a strangely deciphered countdown before god knows what kind of worse disaster hits the globe, so he teams up with a government scientist (played by Torri Higginson of Stargate Atlantis fame) and an army officer, in an attempt to stop the worse from happening, before the nuke option is considered.
And also because there’s a ex-colleague of Jacob that stole a mystical artifact able to stop this entire apocalypse mess, because he and his followers believe this is an occasion to create a new, better mankind from the ashes of the older civilization and crap.
Honestly i don’t have much to lament, it’s a dumbass disaster movie that looks as “made for TV” as it is, has Looney Tunes level of scientifical accuracy, but at least it provides the sub-par entertaiment you’d expect to squeeze out of something like this, stuff happens in it and not just in the last 30 minutes, so it’s a lot less boring than i expected.
Still stupid and arguably sub-par in every facet, but you came to the dump purposefully to eat trash, and you got serviceable cold pizza left into a greasy cardboard box, so i’m not drag this review out, Stonehenge Apocalypse it’s alright TV movie disaster fare, good enough for killing some time without need to switch on much gray matter, and more entertaining than expected.
Wise Cafe (International) 