Mega Shark is back, because the first one was boring as shit, but it was cheap enough and turned out to be profitable, so here, have another one, this time pitting the MEGA Shark agains the dreaded Crocosaurus, which isn’t MEGA, and sounds more like an extra crispy fast food specialty item, or a ice sammich.
And when i say Mega Shark is “back”, i guess it is, it’s a shark, it’s way bigger than it should be, it can do impossible jumps, and i guess we can believe it’s the same one from Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, there is a japanese poster for that movie to be seen, and there’s a photo of Debbie Gibson, who was in that movie. So yeah, it’s totally a sequel, despite the completely different cast and plot that doesn’t follow from the end of the previous movie… but since Jaleel White feels like it’s the same one from before, i’m inclined to trust him. Wouldn’t you?
The plot is basically a repeat of the previous one, with the forces at play realizing that they need to make the two monsters fight in order to damage them in any significant capacity, until they realized that by destroying half of the american coast, they can get rid of both monsters, with all the insane logic you expect from movies like this. But first we need the Crocosaurus rise from an african mine, get stunned and captured (somehow, it’s hard to say exactly how it happened) by Crocodile Dundont, while the Goverment ™ has already a shark expert specialized in sonars in Navy Urkel.
I could say more a lot more, like how the Mega Shark in the end becomes nuclear (MSG V joke), how they basically destroy the entire Panama Canal just trying to kill the two beasties, how there’s a random POV sequence of a boar before it’s slain by the african dwelling douchebag hunter, who is never gonna get eaten because it’s one of the protagonists. But i won’t, because it might make you think this movie is kinda fun.
It isn’t.
It’s tedious, badly edited, with insufferable characters played by the very typical cast of washed up stars, with various degrees of acceptance, as Jaleel White seems somewhat chipper, but other have the look of someone that would love to be anywhere else, maybe with Oliver Stone on Alexander, if you’re Gary Stretch, in space if you’re Robert Picardo, hell, even in another movie by Fred Olen Ray.
On this subject, since for this one we have in the director’s chair Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (the son of Fred Olen Ray, yes), i hoped that maybe he can make this watchable, at least as watchable as 2 Headed Shark Attack could be. And while this didn’t aggressively bored me, since it has at least stuff going on, even if the plot goes on way too fast, while the movie seems to never quite be near the end, it just goes on and on, with the usual Ikea submarine sets, crappier CG than usual (when some visual effects remind one of Bert I. Gordon, we have a problem), and even when the monsters show up and do stuff, half the time i can’t exactly tell what happened.
At the very least there’s no pointless and boring romantic subplot this time, and things go by at a faster pace, maybe too damn fast, still, i would rather take this mess over the first Mega Shark foray into cinema. But then again, there is your run-of-the-mill crappy movie, and then we have crappy Asylum movies so cheap that use stock footage from another Asylum film, in this case some scenes of people panicking from Megafault, which i have never seen, nor intend to.
You know, this could have been somewhat fun, in a crappy B-movie way, but it’s a complete and joyless waste of time even for that, because due to the torrential outputs of movie like this by studios like The Asylum, it’s not even “so bad it’s good”, this is as banal as you can get by the standards these films set, 100 % going through the motions. This is the kinda of movie where you can see the poster for and never bother to see the actual movie, the mental image you may have of it will be better regardless.
The film ends with character talking about a giant lizard in Japan, an oblique hint of the follow-up that will become reality 2 years later, with Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark.
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