Ice Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Ammonia Sharks

This is actually a re-review, i covered Ice Sharks during 2019’s “shark month/week/whatever” but it was on the original, italian version of Wise Cafe, so it’s technically new and i want to give you a lil’ something while i try to juggle and write about 4 different anime series, none ending in late january.

And if anything, might as well do this now than in summer, there will be other shark movies to talk about when the time comes. Also because there are not many “Ice type” shark movies, thankfully this sub-trend never took much hold, so much i can’t think of many others like this, aside from Avalanche Sharks and 2012’s Snow Shark.

Then again, Ice Sharks is one of the more recent one, and alone should have tanked this niche-within-a-niche for good, and not necessarily because it’s the “worst one”.

Plot centers about a research facility in the Arctic, where scientists are attacked by a pack of greenland sharks that were able to break through the ice thanks to global warming, and are hunting for more, as evidently devouring Inuit people – complete with sleigh and pack of snow dogs – isn’t enough. As the facility sinks with ease in the icy waters (apparently Monty Python and the Holy Grail construction rules apply here as well), the group has to survive the freezing temperatures, lack of oxygen and the hungry “ice sharks” lurking in wait.

From a technical standpoint, this is a fairly typical Asylum joint, with very cheap interiors, bad-but-not-THAT-bad digital effects for the sharks and some exterior shots done in crappy CG as well, the latter making one wonder if they really couldn’t rib “ice breaker ship footage” from anything else, as they remind one of cutscenes from some late PS1/early PS2 unknown bargain bin videogame.

Really nothing to see here, folks, this is mediocre by the company’ standards, nothing worth of note or further elaboration, this is what you’d expect from them.

The characters aren’t written like a bunch of assholes or dumbasses this time around, but they suffer from the opposite problem, as they feel like gormless and bland as heck, so as a result one doesn’t give a toss about what they have to say anyway, just being serious doesn’t make your dialogue interesting, and with wooden performances by a cast of unknown actors (with a couple of them often seen in Asylum productions), it’s a recipe for boredom, made complete by a direction that’s more stiff than the sharks.

Btw, some scientists these are, as they say the greenland shark’s skin basically reek of piss, which is a bit of lie and it’s basically going off an Inuit legend more than science, but the poisonous flesh of this type of shark does have a high concentration of urea, and these sharks are also bound to the script to go from hyper-intelligent aggressive fiends to dullards who haven’t yet fully comprehended the concept of “food”, when it’s needed to pad out this shit to the “holy” 90 minutes of runtime.

By most criteria, Ice Sharks isn’t the “worst one ever”, but it strikes the lethal combinations of being bad, boring and humourless despite the stupid concept that’s basically concocting a regional variant of Sharpedo as the main thrust of a full lenght feature. I want to get angry at it but it would be still too much of a reaction, it’s so boring, empty, useless, without nothing that warrants even a passing note, it’s a big pile of nothing that you don’t actually need to watch it, just reading a synopsis or a detailed plot description will yield the same entertaiment, heck, maybe you can have more fun imagining how it could play it out as a movie that isn’t irredeemably boring.

Even as “review material” is like trying to get blood from a stone. Don’t bother.

Heck, even Avalanche Sharks was better and had some ideas – stupid and random as they were- to go along with “shark but they swim in ice”, at least it put some effort to make it work and didn’t just go completely through the motions with the energy of frozen fish stick that isn’t “even better when you’re dead”.

If you wanna watch this too – maybe just for completition sake – , just grab yourself a glass of Paul Masson wine. Or the entire bottle.

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