We’ve been a little too classy on here, so to balance things out and offer a tribute to Aphrodite by tackling one hell of horror schlock from the “i can’t actually believe it’s real” department.
One that goes straight for the… crotchular, i guess, though the novelty factor might be less impressive to younger generations, used to a plethora of “joke films” that honestly were better off as jokes than the actual movies that were made in the end (a lot involving sharks, obviously), but still, for the decade it was made it was pretty much conceptually absurd to even conceive, and would actually at best amounted to a joke made in early internet boards, maybe with a fake synapsis if the shitposter was feeling frisky and wanted to sell the joke proper.
But then again the Germans were always something else, and unbelievably this is also based on a book…. okay, it’s based on a couple of comic book by Ralph Konig, whom also wrote the screenplay for this film adaptation, directed by Martin Walz and released in the States by Troma, obviously they were gonna carry it in the US, and promote it with a giant fanged condom.
Also, has the killer condom special effects done by good ol’ Jorg Buttgeireit of Nekromantik and Der Todesking fame, just thid tidbit would have been enough to get me curious, honestly.
That, and how many comedy horror b-movies have the actual H. R. Giger as a creative consultant?
The movie recently received a multi-disc Blu-Ray release by Vinegar Syndrome, but not much in the way of an international release by Arrow or someone else, nothing that some importing can’t fix.
The plot involves a gay detective, Luigi Mackeroni (yuk yuk), sent to investigate a seedy part of New York City, more specifically the hotel Quickie, where all the male guests had their snausages mysteriously bitten off. Luigi invites a gigolo named Billy on the crime scene of the hotel room to do the nasty, but then and there a living condom with fangs springs out, biting off Mackeroni’s left testicle.
Since its now as personal as a vendetta it could ever be, Mario “ Lucci” Luigi sets off to hunt down the dick-eating creature before it can do more damage, while also confronting his true feelings for Billy and fending off a transvestite that he had an adventure with before.
All the hallmarks of a classic, indeed.
One thing i feared is that – outside of the level of humour the Germans are known (or not known, to be more precise) for – this might have felt too long, pun unintented, because the premise sounds fun for a sketch, a 30 short at best.
Not so much a 1 hour 40 minutes film about the admittely hilarious concept of a fanged condom that eat nuts and dinguses…. but i didn’t watch that.
I watched the full, director’s cut of the movie, so it’s 2 hours of mostly “German Bob Hopkins” going around talking bout a killer condom, his 32cm dick, remembering the Last Action Hero style chief of police that he’s of Sicilian ascent, and trying to be sensitive to the obsessed transvestite hooker Babette, whom previously was Bob, a policeman working in his district.
And despite it really sounding like a waste of time and film, i was bamboozled by how the movie took this time to have actual plot and character development, because yes, there’s oddly more to it than you’d think from the stupid premise, and despite some some really “german” comedy, it manages to be funny enough (i love how randomly and constantly the detective keeps reminiscing and remind everyone of his Sicilian roots), and even when some joke do not work, they often end up being cute, hard to detest due to the inherent goofyness of most set ups and pay-offs.
Yes, i was surprised to slowly warm up to its characters, its ridiculous sex-themed critters (which also make Critters style cartoonesque noises and squeaks), Buttgeireit makes the best of the budget for the aforementioned creatures, and there’s actually a satire on how society treats queer people, with the run-up president candidate involved in some odd scientific experiment, because of course one would expect a killer condom movie to go into “ Christo-Fascist Frankenstein” territory.
Because it’s also a fairly progressive film for the era, but it’s aint’ above making fun of “foreign women” that scream-speak to people that don’t know the language, but still, given the decade, it’s far from the most offensive thing it could be in hindsight, at all, some references are cute but dated and where kinda overdone even back in 1996, but overall it aged far better than expected.
It’s the kind of absurd movie that does work because it truly commits to its own bullshit, one thing that modern comedy horror movies often don’t get it’s that you have to stick to the idea and try to play it “straight” (pun not intended) to sell the joke, like how this one tries to be a proper detective comedy in order ground the absurd in some kind of believable reality, goofy and cartoonish as it is.
By the first 20 minutes this could be any other detective film that’s also a sex-comedy of sorts, if you didn’t know what this movie was famous for, the film itself won’t prepare you for the one-eyed-snake to end all one-eyed-snakes….
And i didn’t expect it to be introduced and acting like one of those “Gremlins rip-off creatures” à-la Critters, down to the comedy sound effects of it scurrying away and squeaking in tones to indicate his mood, even hissing at them. XD
Even more shocking, it’s that the effects aren’t bad per sé, for such a ridiculous premise you get a fittingly ridiculous design, and it’s not like there’s so much you can do besides making it a weird snake monster with fangs with the concept of a “killer condom”.
love the committment that has them even do an autopsy of the darn creature, and the little sequence in stopmotion of them killer rubbers swarming from the sewer grates it’s cute, gotta love these moments.
Overall, Killer Condom it’s no masterpiece, but it’s a decent and charming little absurdity from the era, surprisingly well acted too, and it’s actually quite progressive for its time; sure as hell it’s a lot better than a German comedy horror detective film about killer condoms had any right to be.
Maybe the 2 hours director’s cut isn’t needed per se, but still, it’s a surprising fun novelty for the annals of ridiculous killer creatures and the horror genre as a whole, one that hasn’t been revisited much aside from 2007’s Teeth, but that was a killer teethed vagina, so not quite.
Wise Cafe (International) 