[EXPRESSO] Biker Mice From Mars iOS | Nostalgia & Rat Milk

Yeah, time to reach for some low hanging fruit. If you were born in the 90s, you probably saw or remember this TMNT rip-off from you childhood.

Not that it’s worth remembering.

Then again, you probably didn’t know (or care to know) about this smartphone game, which i stumbled upon when browsing for other stuff in the bowels of the App Store.

Of course it’s a crappy endless runner. Functional, yes, but so bad it doesn’t feel like you’re moving through space in a bike, more like you’re a toy with magnets moved around a crap plastic city by a bored child. It looks like ass, unfinished, and is so cheap it reuses badly cropped images from the old cartoon, because who cares.

This one is so fuckin pathetic it won’t even try to coerce you into using premium currency to retry a level or continue, it knows it’s dung to the max. The game being so shit it pratically begs you to keep playing would be laughable enough for a cheap ass license videogame that exists to mine some some cash from desperate, naive souls.

But i just lost it when i arrived at the first boss, and got stuck in a loop, able to continue from a checkpoint, but since the ammo isn’t recharged when you continue, i kept inevitably smashing into enemies i couldn’t kill. I was gonna quit and end it there, but i kept trying and somehow the game decided to skip me to the boss, which managed to “kill” me with oil puddles… which just didn’t appear, if not for a fraction of a second when hit.

Then i somehow managed to fail the mission entirely, which required me to replay the stage from scratch.

Disinstalled into the void from which it came.

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[EXPRESSO] Demon’s Crystals PSN | In The Age Of Wonders..

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The story of Demon’s Crystals (related in half-assed text scrolls at the very beginning and end) is some evil monsters arrived and changed everyone into monsters, strange since you control half-dragon half human characters, but whatever, kill them all and reclaim your crystals back using magical guns, because it’s a twin stick shooter.

The hordes making up a stage will require you to collect a set number of crystals, kill a set number of enemies, or do both under the time limit, but besides that, it’s very typical of the genre. You get a good array of power ups with time limited usage, a very simple level up system (which makes you take and dish more damage) but there’s not loadout or any sort of customization or depth,

It would be a decent game of this genre, more on the “budget” side (not helped by the “halloween store” aesthetic), simple but fun, with a decent difficulty curve. Shame that the camera is a weird – and bad – compromise between isometric and “bird’s eye”, and in heated moments it becomes hard to tell which are your bullet or the enemy’s (when they don’t get accidentally camouflaged by the level), if you manage to see them coming at all, who knows what specific part of the stage will bother to block them.

This is especially noticeable during the few boss fights, especially the final one, which – on top of being cheap and frustrating – may obscure half the screen, when its routines don’t bug or glitch out.

When the game doesn’t randomly crash at the continue screen, which it loves to do – a LOT – at the final boss. Lovely.

You have local co-op, some competitive online modes and a survival mode, but… yeah, play Ruiner or anything by Housemarque, instead.

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[EXPRESSO] Toy Story 4 (2019) | Stories Of Old

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Let’s get the obvious out right away: Toy Story 4 didn’t need to exist, especially with the perfect closure given by the third one. And we didn’t expect “The Toys Room” quality, we didn’t.

The plot this time centers around Debbie, the little girl that Andy gifted his old toys to at the end Of Toy Story 3 (which was 10 years ago), anxious about going to the kindergarden, and on the first day (with the help of an apprehensive Woody) she makes a toy out of a plastic fork and craft materials, naming him Forky, and basically bestowing sentience and life unto it. Forky is confused by being alive, a toy, and he keeps trying to hurl himself in the bin, from which he literally came.

Woody, who is feeling pretty useless and forgotten, continuously undoes the endless “suicide” attemps of the newborn toy, and wants Forky to understand how important he is for Debbie, etc. But things get a bit hairy when the family goes on a road trip, and Woody encounters an old acquaintance, meeting new, weird toys….

You know what, this is quite good in itself, with funny new characters (including a canadian Evil Kenivel knock-off toy), some interesting resolutions for Woody, the animation is top notch as you’d expect…. but it feels like there is just so much you can do with this idea, the writers are trying to keep it interesting, but it retreads more old ground than expected (Woody’s character arc, in particular), some jokes are hammered in the viewer a bit too much, and the new songs… kinda meh.

It’s good, as you’d expect, but this fourth installment just feel unnecessary and doesn’t add much to the series. Still worth seeing, without a doubt, but i worry about the future of the franchise. Mh.

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[EXPRESSO] Stockholm (2018) | Chillin With The Captives

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So, this finally arrived in ol’ Italy a week ago, let’s review it!

Very loosely based on the events of the infamous Stockholm bank robbery of 1973 (and hence on the concept of “Stockhold Syndrome” which spun from it), Robert Budreau’s movie tells the story of the bizzarre bank robbery operated by Lars Nystrom, an eccentric and quirky criminal that occupies the bank, takes some hostages, and negotiates the release of his friend Gunnar, that joins Lars as a mediator.

But as the standoff between the criminals and the police proceeds, the hostages form a bonding relationship with their captors, willing to take their sides over the police’s.

As you may expect, it’s a very romanticized take on the story, with many liberties taken (like the use of Bob Dylan songs instead of Elvis and Roberta Flack’ tracks by the strange criminal), and the oddity of the whole situation lend itself quite nicely to a crime comedy, with some decent drama and interesting execution, and likable characters.

While it’s done fairly well, well casted and acted, the idea of a movie about the Stockolm bank robbery is quite nice, it has some issues, mostly because it never fully commits to it’s stance on the matter of police abuse, despite the script being pretty clear who you’re supposed to symphatize with, but ultimately painting the picture of a complex situation, an absurd but more realistic one, which is fine, but it’s also playing a bit too safe.

For me, at least.

That and the characterization is ultimately uneven, because we get a romance between Lars and Clara, but even Gunnar is just……… kinda there for the most part, like the other hostages. Which is kinda disappointing.

Still, a more than decent movie, could have been better, but not bad at all!

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[EXPRESSO] Pet Sematary (2019) | Truckin’ Dead

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I’m not familiar at all with Pet Sematary, be it the original book by Stephen King, or the 1989 movie adaptation (and his lesser known sequel, Pet Sematary Two), but there’s a new adaptation in theathers, so why not?

The premise is similar to the book (which was inspired by the famous The Monkey’s Paw story) or the previous movie incarnations, with a family that moves in their new country house, with a burial ground for pet animals – the titularly mispelled campo santo -located in the nearby woods. The house cat dies, and the father buries it in the “pet sematary”, which seems to hold a strange power, as their neighbour warns them of the ground being cursed…

I’m not gonna gonna point out differences between the book or the other movie, or say this is one of the better S. King adaptations, because i really can’t (i don’t count reading wikia as “having watched/read thing”), and you’re probably more familiar with the material than me anyway. I’m gonna say that the film is a bit frustrating to talk about, because the premise is intriguing, the tone is quite good, the acting and characterization too, i like that the entity is never overexplained (they say Wendigo at one point, but its got bugger all to do with the actual Wendigo from Algonquian folklore) but it’s a shame that the numerous attempts at jumpscares don’t really land.

And the pacing is slow, not particularly so, but enough to make the movie seem longer than it is, and the third act in contrast feels like it’s going fast, with some kinda silly sequences, which beg some explanation (or a better execution). I do like the ending, but i struggle to say that is “good”, quite close, but still not exactly there.

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[EXPRESSO] Stan & Ollie (2018) | Friends To The End

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Yes, this arrived just now in my country’ theathers (1st of may, to be precise), and i’ll be blunt, that’s my only gripe with Jon S. Baird biopic about Laurel and Hardy’s beloved comedic personas.

In 1953, after their Hollywood days and a long period apart, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy reunite for a tour in english theathers, in order to rack some needed cash, and also train for their upcoming movie about Robin Hood, pitched to a producer but still in the air. They are warmly welcomed by the public, still enamoured with their antics and affable charm, but it’s not the relatively small packed crows they attract at first, the competition coming from the cinemas (or the home video), not even the rise of new comedic duos like Abbott and Costello the main problem.

It’s their crumbling friendship, with old grudges resurfacing, the constant knowledge of them being a thing of the past, held together by their personas more their actual selves (or so they think), and a conflicting view on many things, all made worse by Oliver’s degrading health. It’s a tale about mending a broken friendship in the world of entertaiment when you’re not top dog(s) anymore, and it’s beatifully executed, even more because you don’t really need to have a lot – if any – familiarity with the duo, or even like the passè style of comedy (i personally think it’s more cute than funny today).

Steve Coogan and John C. Reilly do a stunning job portraying the comedy duo, which is shown not as overly-idealized , but as a couple of flawed individuals (the controversy with Hal Roach is portrayed, for example), with a great balance of drama and comedy, that celebrates earnestly friendship and passion for the craft.

Funny and quite touching.

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[EXPRESSO] Shazam! (2019) | Say My Name!

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Superhero time again, with the DC offering of Shazam!, a series/characters that (like for most DC properties) i really wasn’t familiar at all, so i didn’t have any expectations of fidelity to the source material for this adaptation.

Billy Batson is a 15 years old boy that keeps escaping from foster homes in search of his mother, and yet again is assigned to a new family, that he tries to get away as well. But he summoned as the Champion by an old wizard, that passes his powers unto him by uttering his name, Shazam, as he’s too old to keep the Seven Deadly Sins sealed away into stone statues.

Billy transforms in a full grown and caped adult superhero (played by Zachary Levi), but as he’s still a teenager, he just fucks about with his newfound abilities, acts like an arrogant idiot, but the appareance of an occult villain (played by Mark Strong), will force him to not play the hero, but become an actual one in order to save his family.

If you are feeling tired of the genre (and of some of Marvel copious offerings), and think you might skip this one, don’t. It’s funny, really funny, the action is good, the humour is incredibly well balanced with the more emotional moments (which don’t shy away from being serious and dramatic), and overall the comedy never feels out of touch or “mandated”. It’s earnest, understanding, like it’s young main character, trying to figure where he belongs more than how to cast lazer beams from his eyes.

All of this with good characters, and a really welcome touch of horror (there’s some decapitation, which i really didn’t expect, but nothing too graphic overall), making it one of the best superhero movies i’ve seen in a while.

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P.S.: Stay not just for a post-credit scene, but for the ending credits themselves, funny and tonally fitting of the overall tone. 🙂

Also, yeah, i know that the horror bits are not so surprising, given the director previous works, like Lights Out.

[EXPRESSO] Escape Room (2019) | Playing Games, Makin’ Names

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NOT to be confused with the omonynous 2017 movie directed by Will Wernick, which i didn’t see (it was supposed to screen in my country just before this one, but i guess it didn’t, at all).

Anyway, “Escape Room 2019” is about six vastly different individuals that receive a strange cube containing the invitation to an exclusive escape room by a company named Minos. After they all gather in a waiting room, they soon realize the game has already started, and the team must scramble and work together to solve the riddles and proceed to the next room, in what soon appear to be challenges with one goal: survival, at any cost.

It’s basically a non-horror (kinda, there’s some blood, but not gore) take on Saw, which i like even if it’s quite obvious, since here we also have a team of people that seems random at first (but isn’t, at all), and we see them try to cooperate (or not) for a common goal of surviving a deadly challenge of intellect and action, set up for unknown reasons by a misterious, evil mastermind, watching from the shadows.

Heck, even the way it starts is so typical of Saw. 😉

But it’s better than most of the late entries in the Saw franchise, it’s a better written movie than the disappointing Saw: Legacy/Jigsaw we got back in 2017, and it’s actually better than expected, with some surprises, good atmosphere, and mostly decent-to-good performances.

What stops it from being “good”/more than decent is the characterization, with some characters never actually growing out of the clichè they seem at first, and the shameless (but kinda “honest”) way it sets up a sequel, one in what Sony wants to be an annualized franchise. Again, like Saw, which isn’t a promising scenario.

We’ll see, i guess.

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[EXPRESSO] Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) | Live Action Mehstruction

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Live-action adaptations of animated works are quite the oddity.

Fans are usually against it because “it’s pointless”, but even so it’s hard to fully repress any curiosity, and it’s a way to stir up some interest in an IP.

In this case, it’s adapted from the omonymous 2000 Production IG film, a coproduction between french company Pathè and Hong Kong company Edko, directed by Chris Nahon.

The basic plot is mostly the same: Saya is an half vampire half human that hunts down “proper vampires” for a shadowy organization, that helps her by providing supplies for the killings. It’s still set in an American army base, but there’s also this whole backstory of shape shifting “demons” that in the 16th centhury took human shape to live between us (using the bloodshed of that period to their advantage), and Saya being the daughter of a legendary demon hunter, slain by the vile demon Onigen.

Also, she has to basically babysit Alice, the daughter of an american army general, after she saves her from vampires monsters disguised as school bullies. Yeah, while some scenes from the anime film are replicated, the plot changes and add things just to fill time between the decent action scenes, definitely the best parts of the movie, despite being very clearly made by a Hong Kong company, not very japanese.

It honestly feels like the plot was written for a tv series or a videogame based on Blood The Last Vampire, and then reused here, it has that cheap feeling to it. Apart from that, the movie is watchable, but it’s kinda shit, with laughably bad and clichè as hell dialogue, some stupid scenes, mediocre acting, inconsistent quality of the special effects, and a really anti-climatic final confrontation.

Oh, and the title is a lie. It is.

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[EXPRESSO] Temple (2017) | The J-Horror Clichès Shitsoup

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(BTW, this ISN’T the horror movie review i alluded to, this is a freebie)

I already did this one in my italian blog, but it’s quite the fun movie….. to review, and nothing else.

Mind you, if you saw the poster, you may expect some level of quality, since it’s “from the writer of You’Re Next and Blair Witch (2016)”, Simon Barrett, but it doesn’t tell you it’s directed by Michael Barrett (maybe a relative?), a cinematographer.

I didn’t knew any of this when i stumbled across it through Netflix “horror” catalogue (never even heard of it before), and – ultimately – it doesn’t matter.

Temple proclaims to be a movie, but i have the feel the director went to Japan to stock up on Gunplas, and while he was here, he decided to throw together a bunch of j-horror cliches and call it a film, not that it actually matters if it takes place in Japan or not (even more since everything else is distinctly american).

The plot: a couple and a childhood friend of the gal (yeah, it’s uncomfortable) go to Japan because she wants to finish her thesis on occult sacred grounds or something, they find out of a temple that the locals avoid like the plague, go there, and they get attacked by something, who the fuck knows for sure.

And i mean it, since the movie, on top of scarcely reaching the 70 minutes mark (and being comatosely boring all the way), filled with “just woke up” performances, being stock beyond belief (even if tried it couldn’t be more trite), for its climax can’t decide between the “there actually were monsters” or the “dude allucinated and did the killings himself” endings, so it does both and none at the same time.

It’s quite impressive how much nothing is in this film.

Just worthless, pointless, even if you wanna watch a bad horror movie.

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