Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils

Mississippi River Sharks 2017.png

I’ve finally found a version with the original english voices (and in hindi, again), so time to review this one as well!

And it’s quite the shark dropping we have, because 1 minute in you’ve already seen the best part, it’s not even from the actual movie, it’s a clip from a fake in-movie shark series called Shark Bite, and this ties into the actual plot of the movie, with sharks attacking river boats in Mississippi and then disrupting a fish rodeo (possibly held by ol’ Jim Slater ) presented by the main lead of the fake Shark Bite movie series.

Then again, this isn’t about the shark movie star, it’s mostly about a girl coming back to her family gun store instead of pursuing her carreer in science, because she doesn’t wanna disappoint her dad, something like this. It isn’t interesting, since even the main characters are boring, the conflict is tacky, and the movie never really bothers to make you like at least this girl and her apprehensive but proud father, since it’s busy introducing other, worst, cringy, and unfunny characters, like the geeky one, obsessed with the Shark Bite series, his black best friend (who has a thing for the fisherman’s daughter) or Jason London playing the douchy and cynical action shark movie star.

Besides the fact his character manages to stay alive for more than expect, this in-joke, self-referential, self-deprecating and/or self-celebrating humour is badly done, tired, and they drag it out a lot. Dunno why, then again, it’s hard to tell if they’re making fun of the genre (and their fans and stars, by extension) in a tongue-in-cheek way or just cynically ticking off boxes in the “it’s so bad, therefore it must be good” checklist. Regardless, it doesn’t really work since the CG effects in the fake Shark Bite clips – arguably the best parts of the experience – are kinda better than the ones seen in the actual movie. The genre itself it’s beyond parody by now, anyway, so this is toothless.

That is, until it doesn’t just cheapen out and instead you get “gore by implication”, with a side of splashed red paint on something near instead of getting shown the actual kill. Then again, this is what it looks like when it actually shows some gore. Just look at this.

Mississippi River Sharks 2017 actual CG effects fo real

Production values are lower than usual, i said this many times, but YES, even for a SYFY tv flick this look a bit too much “filmed on location” due to extreme cheapness, just one small step above home movies from the late 90s with people having no idea they’re extras on your father’s wedding tapes. As a bonus kick in the budget, this one reuses some fireworks sequence from Ozarks Sharks, and apparently some stock footage from Zombie Shark. I haven’t seen that yet, but i can believe it comes from another movie, as the shark footage from that is obvious lifted from something else, and the CG sharks are still shit, but better looking than the ones in the actual movie.

This one also checks out with the usual shark movie bullshit, with the Jaws’ major stand-in not stopping the rodeo despite knowing beforehand of nearby shark attacks, because profit, and a ragtag group of locals having to save the day themselves, because no one else is gonna. This is a “baby’s first shark movie” type of plot, and this one never left the cradle. Still, if you’re gonna have this type of plot, at least have some entertaining bullshit to show, it’s obvious anyway the movie is taking time to delay the sharks actually reaching the part of the plot when they attack the rodeo/festival/etc.

If anything, i’m a bit miffed, since this one is directed by Misty Talley, behind Ozark Sharks/Summer Shark Attack, which was actually surprinsingly decent, it’s set in the Ozarks region as well, but Mississippi River Sharks it’s just a speedball of boredom, really bad writing, bad acting (as you would and could assume), miserable production values even for a TV movie, etc. I really struggled to sit through this, felt like pulling teeth, had to watch it in short burst at a time then take a pause, so uninteresting and boring it was, i couldn’t even force myself through in one go.

I can say this though: it makes for some cute/craptacular screenshots, but that’s it, just watch those and never bother seeing it, complete waste of time, in every way, even if you’re bored out of your gourd, because it will super-size your tedium.

Don’t bother, just…..don’t.

Mississippi River Sharks 2017 a talking shark
I remember the baseball episode of Dorohedoro being a tad different.

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