Piranha Sharks AKA Jurassic Piranha (2016) [REVIEW] | Piranha Shark Tank

From the director of Frankenstein Reborn and Transmorphers comes more sharkxploitation, this time NOT from The Asylum, but Bitter End Media Group, a fairly new name, so i guess they decided to play it extra safe and extra stupid by having piranhas genetically crossbred with great white sharks. Why? For the bored New York rich assholes that weren’t content with banal piranha.

Of course the piranha-sized sharks get into the water supply, and your run-of-the-mill group of random people (in this case 3 exterminators and a nutty scientist that knows what damage these “piranha sharks” will – and do – cause) has to save the city before the army nukes it down.

It also happens to take place on Christmas, which could have helped it qualify for Dino Dicember, but sadly the alternate UK title of “Jurassic Piranhas” is a total lie, these aren’t ancient, extinct or a dinosaur of any sorts, they’re just breed in a lab.

Love how the american DVD artwork (aside from mimicking pretty close the one for Sharkenado 2) just says “People Love Sharks”, you can’t really argue with that, given this movie’s very existence.

And yes, despite IMDB not listing him in the cast, Kevin Sorbo is in the movie like the poster promises, playing a sleazy (and Bill Clinton-esque) New York major, because you can’t act only in tons of those creepy, hateful Pure Flix films, or fantasy films for younger audiences.

This definitely belongs in the “annoying to review” list, because describing some of the scenes or the highlights will lead you to think it’s a funny movie, but it really isn’t, it just has that disinterested modern B-movie attitude, but it doesn’t even lean into its own ridiculousness, so it just comes off as dull, drab, boring, with obvious attempts at comedy (like the imitation TV ads or fake social media reactions to the piranha sharks), cheap, feeling quite forced and all falling completely flat.

Sure, the idea leads to stuff like nano-sharks that get into cocktails, bathtubs or the bucket of water prepared for the flashdance number at the strip club, or to the lead characters finding out the piranha sharks weakness is alcohol… but it just comes off as random and really boring (as the one-scene “clown old lady”), there’s no energy or zest to anything that happens, there’s no heart put into this dumb movie, and it shows BIG TIME. It’s not even entertaining in how bad it is, just drab and shit.

Doesn’t help that they also rip-off the flying and land-breathing piranhas from Piranha II: The Spawning and quote War Of The Worlds, but one could overlook this, the crappy as expected special effects, if there was fun to be had here, it just isn’t from the side of viewer, stuck with these boring, uninteresting, dull and drab characters, so boring you don’t even care even in terms of them becoming “shark chow”, not even worthy of more detailed mocking. Acting is sub-par (Sorbo aside, he’s definitely the better actor in the movie), not much energy here either, but i’ve seen worse.

Even as novelty, Piranha Sharks feels tired, cynical and woefully uninspired, uncapable to even use its own stupid idea of “micro sharks” to any degree of entertaiment or plot, thanks to the stagnant direction and indolent pacing. While being incredibly short, clocking in at mere 76 minutes, there’s a LOT of boring filler, just in case the boring “plot” wasn’t enough padding for runtime purposes.

This is arguably one of the worse shark or piranha movies i’ve seen, it’s a tired, boring mess, stupid but not fun because of it, cynically AND incompetently put together, a waste of time even with its pathetic 76 minutes runtime, even for shark movie buffs…..but i don’t hate it.

I didn’t felt offended by it like i did by some other truly abysmal shark movies because… well, i hardly felt ANYTHING with this one, so it only makes sense i’m not even mad about it, despite its really being bad. I didn’t take multiple pause, watching just 10 minutes then stopping in order to make any progress into it, it’s so transparently soulless and insignificant.. it’s just not worth it.

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