Time to give it up for the one and only… Queen Kong.
the only “Queenie Fo’ My Weenie”.
It’s very obscure and forgotten as Kong rip-offs go… and thankfully so, because it might be the worst one, as in “so bad it’s jarring” kind of bad.
Let’s be honest, this should have been a 10 minutes sketch on TV, making a full lenght movie out of the concept “let’s swap genders to the King Kong story” as some sort of performative progressive feminist take on the classic tale (purely performative, it’s just the same exploitation style brand of random racism and “sensibilities”) and let’s make it a parody because so we can stuff it full of whatever, like shitty comedy too and hackenyed gag.
plus since it’s “for a laugh” we can excuse away the shitty ass effects, it’s that kind of cynical film that deliberately ridicules itself in order to excuse how fuckin awful it really is.
The best thing about it are the beginning scene and the title song, which does get a laugh, but otherwise it’s an unfunny, dreadful experience all the way through, like aggressively unfunny that it’s actual, factual cringe, made worse by a cast made of decent TV british actors that had already a career and yet were somehow roped into this crock of menstrual ape ass, some hamming it like there’s no tomorrow, some oddly trying with the material given, but all acting like they don’t give a shit and didn’t expect people to actually see this, so no fucks were given to begin with.
it’s honestly so bad a comedy often you’ll be just confused by the lines as they’re spoken like they’re jokes… but they are not, they’re not even references to anything at all (it will spell it out for the blind when they do make random ass references), just random comments and not real jokes, and when they are, they’re the laziest things possible, meaning lots of shitty puns, gotta love those, especially when the script doesn’t even try to use some as recurring bits… then again the running jokes are mortifyingly bad, so whatever.
Even the musical bits are awful, and not in a funny way like The Apple or something., shame cause the music tracks are catchy and very funky as one could expect.
There’s no BIMming ourselves into any cheesy fun.
It’s just low brow shit that just plain puerile, feeling like a shitty Benny Hill Show special that no one cared about, one thing is a light hearted tone, another it’s just being light hearted unfunny shit.
I can’t imagine this being much better back in the day, honestly, even ignoring the random racism it’s unfunny as hell at the core, puerile garbo that isn’t simply dated, but was always shite.
I will say the kong suit isn’t as bad as one would assume (still not saying much that is better than the ones in Nukie), and there are some decent miniature works… but it’s also one where you can tell when they run out of money, as London’s Tower Bridge looks decent enough, but the Big Ben is just a photo, this is shit Bert I. Gordon did with Beginning Of The End back in the 50s, come on!
While at least the proportions are usually kept so it looks like it’s a giant ape, so at least they didn’t fuck up that much, but worry not, the optical effects are constantly awful, even for the time, arguably worse than then 40+ yo original King Kong did.
To say nothing of the Muppets style tentacled plant that randomly harasses the girls crew when they pass by it, and the wonky ass dinosaur suit that’s somehow even cheaper than the “Queen Kong” suit, though it does feature something you don’t see everyday: a t-rex getting kicked in the nuts.
Also, while yes, technically Queen Kong has their tits out (which also technically could be said of a male gorilla too), this is a sex comedy (kinda) but not a straight up porno spoof like Bathman Da Il Pianeta Eros (Bathman From Planet Eros), it’s just cheeky but also kinda tame, again, the tone does feel like a shit episode of a british sketch comedy show, so don’t expect any nudity.
The effects were gonna be cheap either way, but it’s a comedy, so the script could have carried this one…. it tanks it to oblivion, even with some deliciously goofy overacting.
It’s honestly unbeaable, so in a way brits were lucky this was never shown in UK theathers back then (due to RKO suing the production for using the “Kong” name in their movie without licensing it or simply asking permission, but it did screen in Germany… and Italy, of course we did get it), and i’m gonna put it as nicely as i can: this is just for the HARDCORE Kong fans that do wanna see everything, explore any jungle deep, and report of the local variety of dingleberries found.
To put it more correctly, the movie can be subbed up with the random 2 seconds of a crocodile opening his mouth to an overdubbed scuffed voicebyte saying in monotone: “RUBBISH”.
Maybe its utter badness will be just right for someone to find it so bad its funny, but honestly i will go on record with this: trying to squeeze even 5 minutes of chuckle-worthy material out of Queen Kong is a fool’s errand.
If you gotta see something directed by Frank Agrama, i’d recommend instead his Dawn Of The Mummy, a cult film of sorts and actually a fun one, which i’d like to feature on the blog eventually.
This it’s just a waste of time. A boring waste of time.
Wise Cafe (International) 