Krampus 2: The Devil Returns (2016) [REVIEW] Krampus Go Home

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3 years after Krampus: The Christmas Devil (which at least – as far as i know – has the distinction of being the forefather of Krampusploitation), Jason Hull comes back with a sequel. I think it’s worth noting that this is an actual sequel to the 2013 Krampus movie and by the same director, since we have movies like The Executioner Part 2 (there’s no The Executioner Part 1), Il Bosco 1 (yeah, i know there’s a sequel) or entire sequel series in name only through deceptive re-titling, like for Zombi/Dawn of The Dead or La Casa, the italian name for the original Evil Dead. Continua a leggere “Krampus 2: The Devil Returns (2016) [REVIEW] Krampus Go Home”

Krampus: The Reckoning (2015) [REVIEW] | Children Of The Krampus

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What happens when you wanna cash-in by exploiting the latest fad in the christmas horror subgenre, but you don’t have enough time in order to write it from scratch and push it out of the door in order to maximize exposure? Continua a leggere “Krampus: The Reckoning (2015) [REVIEW] | Children Of The Krampus”

Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013) [REVIEW] | Krampus Rip My Flesh

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While most people are aware of Michael Dougherty’s Krampus movie from 2015, it wasn’t the first horror movie about the mythological figure of the Krampus, which became a horror sub-sub-genre from the early 2010’s onwards, and i guess you could say Jason Hull’s 2013 movie kickstarted this “krampusxploitation” movement, the Krampus itself had been subject of some tv series episodes, but not a feature lenght film. Continua a leggere “Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013) [REVIEW] | Krampus Rip My Flesh”

Don’t expect a review of the Lion King remake

Just figure i’d say it fiy, but don’t expect a review of The Lion King “live-action” (whatever the fuck it is) remake anytime soon. I refuse, after seeing the Dumbo live-action i’ve basically had enough, Disney clearly doesn’t care at all, no need to, so why bother? The dobloons will pour in anyway.

I’m not saying i won’t review it EVER, i’m saying i’m not seeing it in theathers, maybe in a couple years or if a want to go on a “live-action remake” review spree, these movies aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, come on.

Sorry, i just can’t force myself to care, even for a quick EXPRESSO review, it ain’t worth just to say Kemono Friends characters emote better.

I’ll have a review of another recent italian horror movie, so look forward to that.

Bye!

[EXPRESSO] The Nest (2019) | Scrambled, Scrambled Eggs

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Oddly enough as it may sound, there’s not many italian horror movies screening in cinemas here in Italy.

So when i saw the trailer for The Nest, i was intrigued, even more because it didn’t look like one of those (relatively) cheap production when it clearly redubbed despite being filmed in Italy and with a lot of italians in the cast, like The Music Box/Il Carillon.

The story involves a wheelchair bound boy, Samuel, who is raised in this humongous estate, treated with a princely respect by his family and servants, all bound to the estate by a rigid set of rules set to ensur “the program” is respected at all costs. But Samuel feels more and more like a caged songbird, moved around by the wishes of his stern mother, even more restless due to the recent weird happenings and the arrival of a young girl called Denise..

The Nest is a movie with some good performances, a good atmosphere, an intriguing plot revolving the cultish family and the drama that inevitably festers in an enviroment like that, but it’s also a movie that reminded me of Hereditary. And i don’t mean that as a compliment, but here it truly feels like the horror parts were forced in by a producer, as they stick out like a sore thumb, underveloped, clichè and almost vestigial.

Then… the ending, which i’m just gonna spoil because it’s so fuckin stupid it deserves shame. Zombies. Out of nowhere, i’m sure the scriptwriter thought he established it before, but it didn’t, at all. I hate this ending because it doesn’t gel with anything, and reminded me of the shit Fragasso and Mattei pulled in the 80’s, i truly hate to say this about a movie with some self-respect and ambition.

Decent, but frustratingly uneven.

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P.S.: It’s worth noting that there’s another movie simply called “The Nest” , it’s a 2016 fairly obscure italo-swiss production (so it explains why they named this one “The Nest – Il Nido”), directed by Klaudia Reynicke, maybe more talked about after Love Me Tender, her new movie which had its debut in Swiss cinemas this 9th of august.

[EXPRESSO] Crawl (2019) | Lator Gator

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My first thought when i heard the subject was: isn’t this like Bait/Shark 3D, but with a crocodile and a house instead of a shark and a submerged mart?

Nothing wrong with it, given how Bait is one of better shark movies of the lot (definitely a fuckton better among the endless pile of exploitation and B-Z cinema the marine predator attracts), and it’s not a rip-off of it anyway, it has a similar premise of being locked in the same location as an aggressive killer animal/monster. Which could also describe Aliens, so let’s just move to the plot.

Haley Keller is an underperforming swimmer, but hasn’t talked with her father (who also was her swimming coach for many years) in a long time, and their parents separated. But she goes to check on him when informed of a hurricane hitting their old house, and they find themselves trapped in the basement with alligators, with the water level constantly rising, and no help in sight.

Because what better bonding experience than trying to survive being eaten by Schnappi’s cousins can you wish for? Alexandra Aja (Piranha 3D, the 2006 The Hills Have Eyes remake, the 2012 Maniac remake, Horns) is back again with a relatively simple premise, one that could be seen in many low budget z-grade movies, but here is executed really well, with some stylish and brutal kills, tense scenes, a well known but still damn brutal primeval creature that’s lethal , no need to crossbred it with octopuses, sharks, isotopes, trilobites, etc.

Great pratical gore, great CG on the alligator, decent kill count, likeable characters, a perfect pace without any dull moment (just some brief moments of reprieve and character building), this has everything you may want from a fun “killer croc/alligator movie”, which are usually not this bloody good.

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[EXPRESSO] Pet Sematary (2019) | Truckin’ Dead

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I’m not familiar at all with Pet Sematary, be it the original book by Stephen King, or the 1989 movie adaptation (and his lesser known sequel, Pet Sematary Two), but there’s a new adaptation in theathers, so why not?

The premise is similar to the book (which was inspired by the famous The Monkey’s Paw story) or the previous movie incarnations, with a family that moves in their new country house, with a burial ground for pet animals – the titularly mispelled campo santo -located in the nearby woods. The house cat dies, and the father buries it in the “pet sematary”, which seems to hold a strange power, as their neighbour warns them of the ground being cursed…

I’m not gonna gonna point out differences between the book or the other movie, or say this is one of the better S. King adaptations, because i really can’t (i don’t count reading wikia as “having watched/read thing”), and you’re probably more familiar with the material than me anyway. I’m gonna say that the film is a bit frustrating to talk about, because the premise is intriguing, the tone is quite good, the acting and characterization too, i like that the entity is never overexplained (they say Wendigo at one point, but its got bugger all to do with the actual Wendigo from Algonquian folklore) but it’s a shame that the numerous attempts at jumpscares don’t really land.

And the pacing is slow, not particularly so, but enough to make the movie seem longer than it is, and the third act in contrast feels like it’s going fast, with some kinda silly sequences, which beg some explanation (or a better execution). I do like the ending, but i struggle to say that is “good”, quite close, but still not exactly there.

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[EXPRESSO] The Music Box/The Carillon (2018) | Seeming Is Believing

The Carillon- The Music Box 2018 italian poster

It would be really easy to just dismiss this movie at first glance, just going by the cliched title and poster showing the stock “creepy lil’ ghost girl” and selling it (at least here in Italy) as “the horror movie that has frightened milions of spectators”.

And in this specific case, your assumptions would be 100 % correct.

The same trite story of a haunted object, a child coming in contact with the evil spirit contained within, and her foster mother fighting to save her from the entity. It really IS as predictable and clichè as it sound, and the execution is majestically bland, boring, not helped at all by acting that’s mediocre, at the very best, which isn’t often.

Even when the script basically gives up in the third act and events stop making any sense, it’s still so predictable you don’t even get mad or react at the stupid ass “scares”, the filler scenes where characters are told the same stuff they already know just so this can reach 90 minutes, or the forced (and undeserved) happy ending. It’s just that kind of pathetic, pitiful bad horror movie.

All of this is “crowned” by an odd italian dub (it’s an italian production, filmed in english language, not as rare as it sounds, though) that feels like a mix of a 90’s italian dub of brazilian telenovelas (not a compliment) and a sit-com, which is even odder for the italian actors in the cast, and makes the whole thing harder to take serious. Even more with the quality of production and cinematography, not notably worst than usual, but low enough that doesn’t feel exactly like a movie, or add to the atmosphere.

And no, still, none of this makes the movie unintentionally funny, just sadder and more pathetic, for everyone (me included). 😦

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[EXPRESSO] Temple (2017) | The J-Horror Clichès Shitsoup

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(BTW, this ISN’T the horror movie review i alluded to, this is a freebie)

I already did this one in my italian blog, but it’s quite the fun movie….. to review, and nothing else.

Mind you, if you saw the poster, you may expect some level of quality, since it’s “from the writer of You’Re Next and Blair Witch (2016)”, Simon Barrett, but it doesn’t tell you it’s directed by Michael Barrett (maybe a relative?), a cinematographer.

I didn’t knew any of this when i stumbled across it through Netflix “horror” catalogue (never even heard of it before), and – ultimately – it doesn’t matter.

Temple proclaims to be a movie, but i have the feel the director went to Japan to stock up on Gunplas, and while he was here, he decided to throw together a bunch of j-horror cliches and call it a film, not that it actually matters if it takes place in Japan or not (even more since everything else is distinctly american).

The plot: a couple and a childhood friend of the gal (yeah, it’s uncomfortable) go to Japan because she wants to finish her thesis on occult sacred grounds or something, they find out of a temple that the locals avoid like the plague, go there, and they get attacked by something, who the fuck knows for sure.

And i mean it, since the movie, on top of scarcely reaching the 70 minutes mark (and being comatosely boring all the way), filled with “just woke up” performances, being stock beyond belief (even if tried it couldn’t be more trite), for its climax can’t decide between the “there actually were monsters” or the “dude allucinated and did the killings himself” endings, so it does both and none at the same time.

It’s quite impressive how much nothing is in this film.

Just worthless, pointless, even if you wanna watch a bad horror movie.

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[EXPRESSO] Muse (2017) | Dry Paint?

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Samuel Salomon is a literature professor, that has taken a 1 year break from work since the tragic death of his wife. On top of the grief, he has a recurring nightmare of a woman being killed in a strange ritual, and eventually finds out that the woman in his nightmare has been found dead in the same exact circumstances.

He sneaks on the crime scene and there meets Rachel, a woman who also had the same identical nightmare day after day. The two set out to discover the identity of the mysterious victim, and in their research they learn of the Muses, the ancient deities of greek mithology that have been said to inspire artists since the beginning of mankind, and their dark secrets.

By the same director of (most of, anyway) the [REC] series, which doesn’t mean anything to me, since i never saw any movie from that series, or any movie directed by Jaume Balaguerò before this one.

And…. it’s ok. It has Christopher Lloyd, which is a plus (even though this means bugger all, since The Oogieloves could make the same exact claim), the subject is quite interesting (definitely more than Down A Dark Hall, which has more in common with this one than expected), the acting is quite good, the set design is nice, the horror mithology built around the actual myth of the Muses it’s not bad at all.

So, it sound like it could be a good one, but the execution just feels kinda flat, and in the third act the movie drops so many twist and revelations on the viewer that is kinda suffocating, they make sense (mostly), but it doesn’t change the lack of any sense of urgency, danger, or dread for most of the film. Which is a problem.

It’s alright.

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