Noah’s Shark (2021) [REVIEW] #sharksncrocs

Since i couldn’t find the 2017’s Land Shark (not the chinese one we reviewed last year), let’s pick something a bit more recent from the output of Mark Polonia that also almost makes want to revisit and review Shark Exorcist… again. I still don’t want to.

So let us bask in the nourishing homemade waters of Noah’s Shark.

It was either that or “Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse”, also by Mark Polonia and released in 2021.

Banger of a title, perfect bait for both the naive and the connosseur of “no budget homegrown cinema” that dares challenge audiences with crappy stopmotion dinosaurs and papermaciè sharks.

But still, even in this tier of poverty filmaking we’ve seen worse.

So yeah, this odd brew of clergymen and killer animals is now a subgenre (The Velocipastor comes to mind), and this time the plot involves a fame-seeking televangelist that – with its film crew in tow – goes in search of the fabled Noah’s Ark, but find more than they bargained with, as it’s protected by an ancient curse…… and a great white shark, because title.

Which is obviously stupid as shit but also kinda ambitious when you consider the absolute non-budgets Mark Polonia productions have. He tries and cares, which is important and valuable, as i’ve learned time and time again.

As with pretty much all Polonia Bros Entertaiment and similar productions, if you’ve seen even a couple of movies from these directors you’ll see the same actors again and again, hence you’ll quickly recognize it’s mostly the same 5 people, this being no exception in this term.

It’s not even a diss, it’s not, it’s just kinda inevitable for this type of “uber indie” movie.

We’ve avoided the question long enough, so it’s Noah’s Shark any fun?

We know already from the director involved it’s gonna be a crapfest deliberately, ridiculous and cheap as it can get for this tier of homegrown cinema, we know already it’s gonna be bad, we know.

Problem is, the chances of these movie actually being “so bad it’s good” as they set out to be…. are pretty low, and often they end up being utterly boring, unwatchable abysses of atrocious. The odds are not in your favour here.

cue the Koji Kondo

This one, for me, surprisingly lands on the “enjoyable” side, i did got some laughs out of it and honestly i enjoyed it more than expected, thanks to the awful dialogues and comedy being so bad it’s almost good, combined with hilariously bad digital effects, random ass cuts to “witches/goth girl cosplaying with horns”, piles of stock footage, found footage-style sequences, still images or an unknown horned persons in the shadows doing the “Dracula-cape move thing”.

Or Noah with a greenish (?) fake beard, of which you can see the strings holding it on the actor’s face.

And surprisingly, its NOT mostly shot around the “Polonia summer getaway house by the lake”, but in the mountains and the woods, and in a barn that’s supposed to be the interior of the Ark.

It’s 71 minutes long, the sharks props are somehow getting better for his standards, i’ve seen worse acting, so yeah, personally i’d write this down as one of those that aren’t dreadful boredom to see, still bottom of the barrel but so goofy and shitty that they actually end up as somewhat “fun”.

So, overall, better than Shark Exorcist, you can quote me on that at least. Could have done without so much reuse of the original footage and the shit open ending somewhat maybe hinting at a sequel, but let’s count our blessings and stuff.

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