It was either this or Picha’s The Missing Link, this won out due to snags in the schedule, either way we’re gonna talk about banging and dinosaurs, not the two together because no thanks, not this year anyway, not feeling it.
Decided to review this one hoping for a modern throwback to old cavemen/dinosaurs movies like The Wild Women Of Wongo, heck, even the similarly titled but not actually related soft porn spoof/parody Bikini Girls On Dinosaur Planet, but this is not the case.
We’ve entered the “Polonia-sphere” equivalent of such ideas, as in it dresses itself in all the post-modern meta self-deprecating facade of disinterestinly using the Star Wars text crawl to vaguely explain but actually not the premise, just so we can cut to a very Turkish Star Wars levels of production sequence of the three protagonists fighting rebels, as in if Star Wars was made with some of the cheapest effects free video software from the early 2000s could afford and was basically an e-girls with Logitech flight controllers vs Sith streamers standoff of DIY cockpits.
All rendered with the computer graphics of a mid 90’s console game 3D cutscene, and that is being generous, since the Wing Commander series existed.
Being on purpose or not really doesn’t matter, not when the budget for your movie it’s 10.000 bucks, and it shows, making it even worse when you realize that opening spaceship battle sequence might already eaten up most of the money, as after that the girls are teleported with a bootleg beam to someone’s garden, where the girls are revealed to be the heirs of a space age kingdom, and their evil goth stepmother (via a character i can only describe as “sundress – and drunk before noon – grandma Mr. 2/Von Clay from One Piece”) tricks them into entering a black hole, sending the bikini clad monarchs-to-be back in time to the age of dinosaurs. As you do.
But hurry, there’s no time for insensitive cliches about transvestites that are older than the dinosaurs themselves or homemade bootleg Borg cosplays done with a tenner, as we gotta wrap all the “plot” and “action” in 50 minutes.
To say that this is amateur hour would be quite correct, so i’m not gonna harp on the acting too much, this is clearly just a bunch of people taken from community theathre or acquaintances of the director or something like that, but jesus christ if this movie isn’t just plain unsufferable and boring as shit, so the technically over 50 minutes runtime is a blessing in disguise.
This is the kind of movie that’s deceptively hard to get through, the embarassing kind that would have people exit the theathers 10 minutes in (entertainin the though of this being released in cinemas for the sake of argument), with its pulling teeth quality fully charged by the abysmal dialogues, like, even for a farcical film about bikini girls and dinosaurs that ISN’T porn, this is a decade of Oktoberfest for your brainular mass.
Even after reassessing expectations to a new lower tier to try and squeeze some praise, like pointing out that you can actually hear most of the dialogue, despite the unbalanced as shit audio mixing, it’s almost amazing how much of the movie isn’t spent on the thing you’re here to see, bikini girls and dinosaurs in “cavemen time”, only 30 minutes into this 50 minutes film they finally do. Except they don’t.
In the sense they go to some woods and crappy CG dinosaurs are added in post, no point criticizing the effects for the dinos, since they are exactly what you would expect given the kind of effects you see in this movie, then the girls do something off screen with cheese and then 10 minutes after finally having the “dinosaur content”, we’re leaving back for whence they came from, it’s such a “blink and miss” affair they might as well not gone at all, for all it matters to the viewer or anyone, since there is no confrontation, zero “versusing” between the bikini girls and the dinosaurs.
In a movie called Bikini Girls VS Dinosaurs.
Almost because the budget can be best described as “we borrowed the science room at school and we’re gonna make the most of it”, they were never ever gonna bother trying to make sets for scenes with cavemen or anything, let’s be real.
The problem is that the attempts at comedy are too cynical to work even if the jokes weren’t awful, this is the kind of movie that feels constructed in the hope some scenes get memed out of context, at times, and sometimes it’s slightly ambitious for its poultry budget, like actually trying to make puppet aliens act somewhat believable, which is at least more interesting than the handpuppet animal lethal injection, but it comes off as just weird more than funny, again, because just making your movie a farce isn’t enough to make it entertaining or funny, and being “awkward”deliberately doesn’t constitute as humour if you don’t use it to make actual jokes.
It’s the kind of DIY no budget film where you get the idea the people behind it had fun making it, but i’m at a loss for anyone that might enjoy it, as the title promises some “skinemax” content but there’s no nudity, the humour it’s juvenile to be extremely kind, and it feels like a fan movie of a series that doesn’t actually exist, but that’s insulting to the medium, as we’ve seen some really well produced fan films, like the italian Metal Gear Solid Philantrophy.
Actually, i’ve figured it out, this is the dinosaur equivalent of the Bimbos B.C., just shot in the mid 2010s instead of the 90s, but even that was based on something – a comic book of the same name that’s apparently rare as hell too – and had more heart put into it, heck, still amateur hour, but they kinda tried to make a movie and have a story, incoherent and messy as it was.
Here instead the overall feel is that they only wanted to waste your time and indirectly mock you for actually watching their movie, and it does deliver on that regard, feeling like you’ve wasted weeks even with its pitiful 52 minutes runtime.
So yeah, just skip it, don’t bother with such an insanely boring, tiresome and unfunny waste of time and existence.
Wise Cafe (International) 