After Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, Mark Polonia was pretty much given the legal status as guardian of the Jurassic Shark franchise, i guess why not?
The second one….actually, the “other second one”, since Raiders Of The Lost Shark would actually be a more proper sequel made by the same director, this is the level of decadence we’re at, with Jurassic Shark having both official and “more official” sub-series.
I think i just puked in my brain a little. Or a lottle.
Back to the topic at hand, Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse was another typical Mark Polonia affair, i remember it had “young Popeye cosplaying as the captain from Tin Tin” (maybe a hint of shit to come, in hindsight), it was about another drilling underwater gig bringing out another megalodon shark, and an assassination subplot, or something?
I barely remember, which i guess is the ideal state of mind to watch these.
Regardless, this time around the shark will have… its.. “seavenge”.
Despite this being not the same shark… or is it? I’m asking, i completely forgot how Jurassic Shark 2 ended, but i guess it doesn’t matter, because Jeff Kirkendall plays the same mad scientist from Sharkenstein, like, it’s the same exact character, Klaus, which actually died in that film, but we’re not gonna get swept into little things like continuity and shit, because none is to be found in these.
… actually, it kinda is, as the drill incident is mentioned multiple times and this one is about a group of people (a cameraman, a reporter, and some “petty thieves” according to one of IMDB synopsis) stranded at sea and being attacked by a giant shark. And yes, the thieves are searching for the painting lost in the first film, so fuck me running, so, i guess this is the official series now.
Worry not, if it sound like it could make some sense, it obviously all comes crashing down by the end, because Mark Polonia decided at the end to “switch things up” and make the plot swirl into a completely different direction, after padding the shit out of this 74 minutes film, we wouldn’t be caught dead trying to actually finish a storyline in a sensible manner, or actually improving the quality of the garbage he pumps out. Why bother?
I mean, the “ocean” it’s still and obviously just a fuckin lake, probably the same fuckin lake with his cabin that shows up in every Polonia film, whatever, the usual stuff, no point stopping for every single bullshit bit we’re supposed to suspend our disbelief… even though the director makes no real effort to distract from the fact “the action” takes place in this footage, not that one with beaches, the footage with the obvious fuckin lake… or the obvious POOL the actors fall “offboard” into, kinda was expecting the alligator from Brutes And Savages to show up attracted by the chlorine.
Footage not to be confused with the obvious stock footage used in abundance , or the “file footage”, which is most likely a recycled bit of incredibly shitty CG shark moving about from the previous film, as it presented by the news reporters with their literal “Window Movie Maker book report” level of effects and presentation, which could honestly be upstaged by me editing the Super Mario 64 health/oxygen bar in the underwater shots.
Gotta love those, and the reveal of what the painting was being an excuse to reuse an old promotional poster for the original 1933 King Kong, because Mark Polonia likes to commit movie sins in more ways than just making dozens of no budget creature features, gotta keep it fresh.
Also, btw, Mark, hide those TVs because someone might steal them and send them to Clint “LGR” Basinger, alongside that “usb underwater camera that’s totally really that”. XD
Though… i’ve honestly little to add that couldn’t be said of most Polonia films, or the previous one, which i didn’t like very much, even by their own standard was very hard to sit through, the acting is as painful as before, with some exceptions that scratch that “so bad it’s funny” itch, mostly by some of the Polonia regulars, like i’m genuinelly glad “young Popeye-Captain from Tin Tin” is back from the events of Jurassic Shark 2 as the Amazing Mr. No Legs to slur some bullshit at the shark. XD
He’s great, but yes, it’s mostly another endurance round against your patience to get to some funny bits, with incredibly new lows of bad acting from the newbies, i might add, but i do like Polonia regular Kyle Rappaport as the dumbass of the thieves trio. Shame his flesh is suspectible to damage from handpuppet shark mouth (and the amazing inflatable fin), the same one from the second film, and arguably still one of the highlights.
For what’s it worth, the conspiracy/clean up of witness from the oil rig incident and the assassination subplot come into play eventually, and eventually things happen on a regular basis, amongst the filler and the regurgitated at random footage from not too many minutes ago, because this thing has to get to 70 minutes.. and because shame is for people with budgets, the “frankenshark” from Sharkenstein shows up, in what is either repurposed footage or just Polonia reusing the prop from that movie.
Again, makes zero sense because Sharkenstein was destroyed at the end of his own movie, but what’s a little retcon when you have absolutely run out of ideas, even stupid ones like a devil shark tied to Noah’s byblical story? So yes, as said before, Jeff Kirkendall plays the same nazi mad scientist from Sharkenstein, Klaus, not in repurposed stock footage, but newly shot material, meaning we’ll also pretend he didn’t die at the end of Sharkenstein, and now he has a “obvious air dryer repurposed as a death ray” weapon, why not?
The finale also includes the model entering the same shack used in Virus Shark and using an excavator to somehow damage the superimposed Sharkenstein and defeat him.. for now.
For whatever reason, Jurassic Shark 3 is the one with the better music in the entire series, performed by a band called Ghost, but obviously ISN’T Ghost B.C., a single live concert by them has like a papal enclave-sized gallizzion times the budget, and then some more.
Is it better than Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse?
Fuck no, it’s about the same quality and lack of enthusiasm, mostly hard to sit through despite some funny bits, the best characters are mostly returning ones from the second one with little screen time, but the fact Mark Polonia had to rip himself off by reusing props and characters from Sharkenstein (one of his films i’ve actually kinda liked, too), retconning events from that only so this fuckin movie didn’t end at 50 minutes…. it’s incredibly low, even for Polonia.
One might even say he outdid himself for the worse in this one, like come on, man, you’re better than this.
And still it isn’t as awful as the first, original Jurassic Shark, because at least i can hear the dialogues and don’t have to take 30 minutes pauses after just 10 minutes of film in order to avoid having a migraine or popping a blood vessel.
Slap that on the DVD backquotes.
Wise Cafe (International) 