[EXPRESSO] Onslaught (2026) | Die Dudermensch

On paper, this should be an easy win, even if it’s a bit weird A24 is distributing what is really a genre offering reminescent of 80s exploitation grindhouse action flicks like The Exterminator.

Onslaught is about Celeste, an US army sniper, whom has defacto retired into a parking lot in the New Mexico desert to deal with her PTSD, complicating her troubled family life.

That is, until a trio of genetically engineered super soldiers, created by a former Nazi scientist, escape from the secret experiment bases they were held in, killing everyone in their path, and eventually moving their systematic massacre to Celeste’s parking lot..

Apparently this is a continuation from Adam Wingard’s 2014 movie Guest, which i didnt’ see, and on its own, Onslaught, despit some stylistical apt choices and some good old school practical gore effects, doesn’t really live up to its own title, in every aspect it lacks the substance, it never displays or conveys the raw fury it promises, nor manages to properly develop some of its ideas.

Maybe it would be easier to accept the movie for what it is instead of what could have been…. if it didn’t deliberately AND aggressively built up the final “onslaught” to be some this thing you need to brace for, and frankly you really don’t, it’s not even that excessive.

Even the literal super soldaten are kinda of a letdown, i liked the idea of these being de facto militarized slasher villains… but that is really as far as it goes.

It’s entertaining, the action is fun, the characters mostly stock but okay, and it’s barely above 90 minutes, so it’s not boring and knows to keep things as long as they need to, but you’d wish the movie didn’t set itself up for disappointment as it did.

[EXPRESSO] Blink Twice (2024) | Ass Wide Shut

An overworked catering waitress, Frida, one day happens to be working at a gala involving the late CEO (and founder) of tech megacorp KingTech, Slater King, whom resigned from the job after an unclear scandal he keeps trying to apologize for. Frida accidentally makes a pratfall, which piques Slater’s curiosity, leading to invite the girl and her friend (alongside many others) to an exclusive party on a remote island he just purchased.

Drugs, alcohol and fun abound in the neverending days of debauchery, but eventually Frida starts noticing she and others can’t quite remember what they did hours before, why they have scars or even what day even is…

A mix of Get Out, Don’t Worry Darling and The Menu, Blink Twice it’s actually none of those because it’s ultimately just an exploitation movie that tries to pass a pedantic overabundance of “style” as substance when in reality it’s incredibly superficial in handling his own themes, it just presents them at complete face value and calls it a day, while leaving too many question unanswered and with the big reveal… that actually dampens interest instead of rejuvenating it.

The good performances by the star laden cast i’d argue make things even worse, wasted on a movie that wants the praise of the auter by imitating other films that tackle similar themes, by feigning a wit that isn’t there, thinking that you just gotta throw ideas into the script and that will fuckin do.

For what it actually is… it not THAT BAD, but Blink Twice constantly pretends to be something else, it’s actually proper pretentious, while unable to make any point about anything.

Zoe Kravitz’s debut feels like M. Night Shyamalan trying to cynically (and badly) ape Jordan Peele, but even lacking M. Night’s earnestness and conviction for his ideas.

[EXPRESSO] Morbius (2022) | Dr. Acula, MD

The “Sony” side of the Marvel movies now moves from fairly popular and well know Venom to a lot more obscure one, Morbius. General audiences sure aren’t familiar with him, myself i barely know of him as a saw a high quality collectable statue as an upcoming item years ago.

Which is good, makes sense to make movie about lesser known characters from the huge roster of Marvel’s back catalogue (with beloved popular actor Jared Leto in the lead to also ensure huge turn-out) and this one if nothing else follows the trail of the two Venom movies, as in it’s an anti-hero, the doctor Michael Morbius, plagued by a rare blood disease and wanting to save everyone with his illness, Morbius takes a desperate gamble in a remote cave with bats.

What seems to be the long awaited cure turns out to be also a curse, as he start developing a craving for human blood and powers akin to a vampire bat.

If Venom was a reminder that superheroes movies could be sketchy but still entertain despite having a lot of problems, Morbius it’s a throwback to the early to mid-2000s era of the genre, as in, despite a lot of money in effects and a fun premise, they often turned out irremediably boring as shit, lifeless despite the fantastical elements, and a pile of hot garbage overall.

Formulaic, tiresome, boring everything, from plot to characters to themes, even the shitty fights way too overreliant on FXs (complete with an underwhelming final confrontation), Morbius has it all, takes itself seriously, and sequelbaits hard to boot.

You don’t always need to be good or perfect, but when everything it’s so shoddy, trite and not very interesting, at least you could be entertaining.

This is sadly just boring garbage. Pity. 😦