Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008) [REVIEW] | Hit That Hoff #snakesofjune

As previously discussed, the Anaconda series did prosper… ok, “continue”, as this third installment was a made for TV movie that originally aired on SciFi, instead of a theathrical release.

And to save some extra buckaroos, you film two shitty TV killer snake movies in some Eastern European country for the price of one, as both Anaconda 3 and the sequel Anaconda: Blood Trail were shot back to back in Romania. I guess Nu Image claimed their “turf” for cheap shooting in Bulgary, so Stage 6 Productions did their business in the other closest country there.

While it’s described as a sequel to The Hunt For The Blood Orchid, the only thing that provides any slim bit of continuity is the name of the pharmaceutical company, Wexel Hall, there’s no returning cast from the second one, heck, not even any returning character. Plot involves an industrialist named Murdoch – played by John Rhys-Davey looking strongly like Pavarotti here – having an anaconda captured from the Amazon River and brought to the company’s Romanian branch to experiment on it a serum made from the Blood Orchid.

Alongside a female queen anaconda, so the subtitle “Offspring” isn’t just a declaration of great musical taste, but of implied snake boning. So there’s that the movie gets right.

It ain’t the same anaconda from the last movie, nor the serum made from Blood Orchids works as a “exilir of long life” like it did there, here’s is allegedly to combat cancer and whatnot, but works only on snakes. Step 3 success… or a giant mutant anaconda with a bladed ass. Yep, a sickle/sword thingy on its butt.

Still not as preposterous as a pharma company worried about a PETA investigation, but i digress, and its technically science fiction, so whatever.

AH yes, the latin speaking computer, very 90s.

This isn’t even one of those where all of a sudden a scientist recalls or talks about events from the previous movie, this is just a regurgitation of the same basic plot, most of the same motivations, just worse all around, with adding the usual cliches of the experimented mutant killer animal breaking loose from the lab, and the other quintessential b-movie trope of the mercenary gang, nominally hired to deal with the escaped monster but in practice as expensive creature desserts.

The highlight is obviously the “’Hoff”, savour him as he’s in the short prologue then he doesn’t show up until 45 minutes in…. and while he has more screentime than expected, he doesn’t do much, to be brutally honest. You’d think he would be trying the charm the snakes into defeating themselves, but as that would be amazing, it doesn’t happen. He’s just the head of the mercenary group made of people that look more like indie folk musicians (and an Adam Driver looking soldier) than mercs.

Even in the first 5 minutes you get a sample of the CG…. and yeesh, it’s pretty bad, it’s no wonder this Anaconda movie was somewhat famous back in the day for its shitty digital effects, enough to garner some internet fame, as people uploaded scenes out of context to early Youtube in order to display the craptitude of the effects. And yep, these are some of the more goofy, cheap ass looking CG snakes i’ve seen, somehow worse and more fake looking than those in Boa VS Python.

Even the kills are some shit indeed, really bad digital blood effects, with some occasional shots featuring very little but okay-ish practical gore. Worry not if you missed some kills, as the movie occasionally will have the snake expert recall how her colleagues died before in a brief montage XD Most incredible thing is that they actually show a real snake, almost as a reminder of sorts.

Overall, Anaconda 3: Offspring, while being a fairly noticeable downgrade from even the second movie (let alone the first), it’s not an offensive display or anything like that, it has its moments but it totally belongs in the overpopulated pit of extremely humdrum made for TV b-movies shat out for and by SciFi that aren’t that bad, but also could have been way more entertaining, still stupid and cheap but more fun regardless.

We’ll see if Anaconda 4 can live up to that “tall” order, soon enough.

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