Don’t expect a review of the Lion King remake

Just figure i’d say it fiy, but don’t expect a review of The Lion King “live-action” (whatever the fuck it is) remake anytime soon. I refuse, after seeing the Dumbo live-action i’ve basically had enough, Disney clearly doesn’t care at all, no need to, so why bother? The dobloons will pour in anyway.

I’m not saying i won’t review it EVER, i’m saying i’m not seeing it in theathers, maybe in a couple years or if a want to go on a “live-action remake” review spree, these movies aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, come on.

Sorry, i just can’t force myself to care, even for a quick EXPRESSO review, it ain’t worth just to say Kemono Friends characters emote better.

I’ll have a review of another recent italian horror movie, so look forward to that.

Bye!

Shark Shock (2017) [REVIEW]| Rednecks VS Electro Shark

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Sans Peter Gabriel. Sadly.

It’s worth noting right away that you might already have seen this, it’s Trailer Park Shark, retitled as Shark Shock for the UK DVD release i bought. I would lament about the dvd cover (shown above) being false adverting, but there are jet skis and trailers in the movie, water though is far from crystaline since it takes place (and is filmed) in Lousiana, with waters as murky and brown as you can get. Continua a leggere “Shark Shock (2017) [REVIEW]| Rednecks VS Electro Shark”

[EXPRESSO] The Nest (2019) | Scrambled, Scrambled Eggs

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Oddly enough as it may sound, there’s not many italian horror movies screening in cinemas here in Italy.

So when i saw the trailer for The Nest, i was intrigued, even more because it didn’t look like one of those (relatively) cheap production when it clearly redubbed despite being filmed in Italy and with a lot of italians in the cast, like The Music Box/Il Carillon.

The story involves a wheelchair bound boy, Samuel, who is raised in this humongous estate, treated with a princely respect by his family and servants, all bound to the estate by a rigid set of rules set to ensur “the program” is respected at all costs. But Samuel feels more and more like a caged songbird, moved around by the wishes of his stern mother, even more restless due to the recent weird happenings and the arrival of a young girl called Denise..

The Nest is a movie with some good performances, a good atmosphere, an intriguing plot revolving the cultish family and the drama that inevitably festers in an enviroment like that, but it’s also a movie that reminded me of Hereditary. And i don’t mean that as a compliment, but here it truly feels like the horror parts were forced in by a producer, as they stick out like a sore thumb, underveloped, clichè and almost vestigial.

Then… the ending, which i’m just gonna spoil because it’s so fuckin stupid it deserves shame. Zombies. Out of nowhere, i’m sure the scriptwriter thought he established it before, but it didn’t, at all. I hate this ending because it doesn’t gel with anything, and reminded me of the shit Fragasso and Mattei pulled in the 80’s, i truly hate to say this about a movie with some self-respect and ambition.

Decent, but frustratingly uneven.

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P.S.: It’s worth noting that there’s another movie simply called “The Nest” , it’s a 2016 fairly obscure italo-swiss production (so it explains why they named this one “The Nest – Il Nido”), directed by Klaudia Reynicke, maybe more talked about after Love Me Tender, her new movie which had its debut in Swiss cinemas this 9th of august.

[EXPRESSO] Crawl (2019) | Lator Gator

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My first thought when i heard the subject was: isn’t this like Bait/Shark 3D, but with a crocodile and a house instead of a shark and a submerged mart?

Nothing wrong with it, given how Bait is one of better shark movies of the lot (definitely a fuckton better among the endless pile of exploitation and B-Z cinema the marine predator attracts), and it’s not a rip-off of it anyway, it has a similar premise of being locked in the same location as an aggressive killer animal/monster. Which could also describe Aliens, so let’s just move to the plot.

Haley Keller is an underperforming swimmer, but hasn’t talked with her father (who also was her swimming coach for many years) in a long time, and their parents separated. But she goes to check on him when informed of a hurricane hitting their old house, and they find themselves trapped in the basement with alligators, with the water level constantly rising, and no help in sight.

Because what better bonding experience than trying to survive being eaten by Schnappi’s cousins can you wish for? Alexandra Aja (Piranha 3D, the 2006 The Hills Have Eyes remake, the 2012 Maniac remake, Horns) is back again with a relatively simple premise, one that could be seen in many low budget z-grade movies, but here is executed really well, with some stylish and brutal kills, tense scenes, a well known but still damn brutal primeval creature that’s lethal , no need to crossbred it with octopuses, sharks, isotopes, trilobites, etc.

Great pratical gore, great CG on the alligator, decent kill count, likeable characters, a perfect pace without any dull moment (just some brief moments of reprieve and character building), this has everything you may want from a fun “killer croc/alligator movie”, which are usually not this bloody good.

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Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach

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Tis the season.

If you are an avid shark moviegoer, it’s quite likely you heard of it, but then again, there are so many of these crappy B-movies around, it might have been lost between the Sharkenados, the Sharktopuses (a trilogy, so far) and the sharks that stack corpses to create dams like frigging beavers.

And because you didn’t ask, Zombeavers is also a thing.

Sand Sharks it another sterling exemplary of titulation, because it’s true, this time the sharks swim in the sand. How? In the paraphraresd words of the resident marine biologist “because they basically suck water out of the sand to survive”. ‘K. Continua a leggere “Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach”

[EXPRESSO] Toy Story 4 (2019) | Stories Of Old

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Let’s get the obvious out right away: Toy Story 4 didn’t need to exist, especially with the perfect closure given by the third one. And we didn’t expect “The Toys Room” quality, we didn’t.

The plot this time centers around Debbie, the little girl that Andy gifted his old toys to at the end Of Toy Story 3 (which was 10 years ago), anxious about going to the kindergarden, and on the first day (with the help of an apprehensive Woody) she makes a toy out of a plastic fork and craft materials, naming him Forky, and basically bestowing sentience and life unto it. Forky is confused by being alive, a toy, and he keeps trying to hurl himself in the bin, from which he literally came.

Woody, who is feeling pretty useless and forgotten, continuously undoes the endless “suicide” attemps of the newborn toy, and wants Forky to understand how important he is for Debbie, etc. But things get a bit hairy when the family goes on a road trip, and Woody encounters an old acquaintance, meeting new, weird toys….

You know what, this is quite good in itself, with funny new characters (including a canadian Evil Kenivel knock-off toy), some interesting resolutions for Woody, the animation is top notch as you’d expect…. but it feels like there is just so much you can do with this idea, the writers are trying to keep it interesting, but it retreads more old ground than expected (Woody’s character arc, in particular), some jokes are hammered in the viewer a bit too much, and the new songs… kinda meh.

It’s good, as you’d expect, but this fourth installment just feel unnecessary and doesn’t add much to the series. Still worth seeing, without a doubt, but i worry about the future of the franchise. Mh.

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[EXPRESSO] Stockholm (2018) | Chillin With The Captives

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So, this finally arrived in ol’ Italy a week ago, let’s review it!

Very loosely based on the events of the infamous Stockholm bank robbery of 1973 (and hence on the concept of “Stockhold Syndrome” which spun from it), Robert Budreau’s movie tells the story of the bizzarre bank robbery operated by Lars Nystrom, an eccentric and quirky criminal that occupies the bank, takes some hostages, and negotiates the release of his friend Gunnar, that joins Lars as a mediator.

But as the standoff between the criminals and the police proceeds, the hostages form a bonding relationship with their captors, willing to take their sides over the police’s.

As you may expect, it’s a very romanticized take on the story, with many liberties taken (like the use of Bob Dylan songs instead of Elvis and Roberta Flack’ tracks by the strange criminal), and the oddity of the whole situation lend itself quite nicely to a crime comedy, with some decent drama and interesting execution, and likable characters.

While it’s done fairly well, well casted and acted, the idea of a movie about the Stockolm bank robbery is quite nice, it has some issues, mostly because it never fully commits to it’s stance on the matter of police abuse, despite the script being pretty clear who you’re supposed to symphatize with, but ultimately painting the picture of a complex situation, an absurd but more realistic one, which is fine, but it’s also playing a bit too safe.

For me, at least.

That and the characterization is ultimately uneven, because we get a romance between Lars and Clara, but even Gunnar is just……… kinda there for the most part, like the other hostages. Which is kinda disappointing.

Still, a more than decent movie, could have been better, but not bad at all!

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Godzilla PS4 [REVIEW] | King Of The Dumpsters

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Copy Purchased
Platform: PS4
Developed By: Natsume Atari
Players: 1 – 4 (online multiplayer only)

Yeah, the one that spawned the “Godzilla is approaching the generator!” meme, as popularized by “Angry” Joe Vargas.

And keeping that in mind, is worth noting that the obnoxiously repeated observation is also pointless, because you can check the “health” of the generator just by looking at how many of the spinnings parts of it are red and unmoving.

Just so you know this is shit from the start.

Bring your shovel, there’s a lot of whatsit to plow through. Continua a leggere “Godzilla PS4 [REVIEW] | King Of The Dumpsters”

[EXPRESSO] Pet Sematary (2019) | Truckin’ Dead

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I’m not familiar at all with Pet Sematary, be it the original book by Stephen King, or the 1989 movie adaptation (and his lesser known sequel, Pet Sematary Two), but there’s a new adaptation in theathers, so why not?

The premise is similar to the book (which was inspired by the famous The Monkey’s Paw story) or the previous movie incarnations, with a family that moves in their new country house, with a burial ground for pet animals – the titularly mispelled campo santo -located in the nearby woods. The house cat dies, and the father buries it in the “pet sematary”, which seems to hold a strange power, as their neighbour warns them of the ground being cursed…

I’m not gonna gonna point out differences between the book or the other movie, or say this is one of the better S. King adaptations, because i really can’t (i don’t count reading wikia as “having watched/read thing”), and you’re probably more familiar with the material than me anyway. I’m gonna say that the film is a bit frustrating to talk about, because the premise is intriguing, the tone is quite good, the acting and characterization too, i like that the entity is never overexplained (they say Wendigo at one point, but its got bugger all to do with the actual Wendigo from Algonquian folklore) but it’s a shame that the numerous attempts at jumpscares don’t really land.

And the pacing is slow, not particularly so, but enough to make the movie seem longer than it is, and the third act in contrast feels like it’s going fast, with some kinda silly sequences, which beg some explanation (or a better execution). I do like the ending, but i struggle to say that is “good”, quite close, but still not exactly there.

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[EXPRESSO] Stan & Ollie (2018) | Friends To The End

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Yes, this arrived just now in my country’ theathers (1st of may, to be precise), and i’ll be blunt, that’s my only gripe with Jon S. Baird biopic about Laurel and Hardy’s beloved comedic personas.

In 1953, after their Hollywood days and a long period apart, Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy reunite for a tour in english theathers, in order to rack some needed cash, and also train for their upcoming movie about Robin Hood, pitched to a producer but still in the air. They are warmly welcomed by the public, still enamoured with their antics and affable charm, but it’s not the relatively small packed crows they attract at first, the competition coming from the cinemas (or the home video), not even the rise of new comedic duos like Abbott and Costello the main problem.

It’s their crumbling friendship, with old grudges resurfacing, the constant knowledge of them being a thing of the past, held together by their personas more their actual selves (or so they think), and a conflicting view on many things, all made worse by Oliver’s degrading health. It’s a tale about mending a broken friendship in the world of entertaiment when you’re not top dog(s) anymore, and it’s beatifully executed, even more because you don’t really need to have a lot – if any – familiarity with the duo, or even like the passè style of comedy (i personally think it’s more cute than funny today).

Steve Coogan and John C. Reilly do a stunning job portraying the comedy duo, which is shown not as overly-idealized , but as a couple of flawed individuals (the controversy with Hal Roach is portrayed, for example), with a great balance of drama and comedy, that celebrates earnestly friendship and passion for the craft.

Funny and quite touching.

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