Killer Condom AKA Kondom Der Grauens (1996) [REVIEW] | Squeeze Me Mackaroni

We’ve been a little too classy on here, so to balance things out and offer a tribute to Aphrodite by tackling one hell of horror schlock from the “i can’t actually believe it’s real” department.

One that goes straight for the… crotchular, i guess, though the novelty factor might be less impressive to younger generations, used to a plethora of “joke films” that honestly were better off as jokes than the actual movies that were made in the end (a lot involving sharks, obviously), but still, for the decade it was made it was pretty much conceptually absurd to even conceive, and would actually at best amounted to a joke made in early internet boards, maybe with a fake synapsis if the shitposter was feeling frisky and wanted to sell the joke proper.

But then again the Germans were always something else, and unbelievably this is also based on a book…. okay, it’s based on a couple of comic book by Ralph Konig, whom also wrote the screenplay for this film adaptation, directed by Martin Walz and released in the States by Troma, obviously they were gonna carry it in the US, and promote it with a giant fanged condom.

Also, has the killer condom special effects done by good ol’ Jorg Buttgeireit of Nekromantik and Der Todesking fame, just thid tidbit would have been enough to get me curious, honestly.

That, and how many comedy horror b-movies have the actual H. R. Giger as a creative consultant?

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Paradise (2023) | Ripe Ripe Fruit

Another dip into Netflix fresh batch, this time a German sci-fi thriller about aging that tries to mesh In Time and Children Of Men, with the plot set in a dystopian future where people can “donate their time” in order to receive big money (without the big prizes), the years taken converted into a serum that transfers the “timespan” to the receiver, often rich people.

Basically a more boring sci-fi version/application of the Soul Soul Devil Fruit eaten by Big Mom, but whatever, i can roll with it.

When the protagonist wife has to pay her debts with personal belongings that include 40 years (due to their insurance not covering the apartment accidentally catching fire), her husband swears to take them back, eventualling bumping into Aeon, the terroristic organization that opposes this controversial procedure, especially the rich gaming the system in their favour.

It sounds interesting enough on paper, but this is undeed the textbook example of “surface deep” sci-fi thriller that wants to touch upon heavy themes… as in, just “touch” and never really explore anything to any degree of nuance, or flesh out its worldbuilding, so it can focus on its basic “employee of evil megacorp is wronged and then turns against it for revenge” plot.

it’s also a 2 hours filmwith a slow pacing and characters that are mostly cliched, like the corpos villains that are evil because the narrative demands it, not that the heroes are any better.

The frustratingly open ending further grounds Paradise into disappointing mediocrity, direction is solid and makes for a movie that’s not boring, but has untapped potential as the script overdoses on clichès instead of attempting any nuanced exploration of the subjects its plot brings up, itself constructed with ideas borrowed from better films.

Still, watchable, at the very least.

[EXPRESSO] The Privilege (2022) | Frozen Daiquiri Horror Of The Chosen

More german teen horror movies via Netflix, this time with The Privilege.

A rich teen and his fittingly rich private school classmates uncover a conspiracy while investigating a series of supernatural elements.

What conspiracy, you may ask? Cannibals? Cultists sacrificing students to Nyarlatothep? Me trying to distract you from the obvious social commentary a horror movie with this title is going for?

Worry not, the movie itself will confuse you quite enough, as it’s admittely bonkers and ambitious, but not in a good way, as it throws too many sub-plots and ideas into the script, resulting in a hodgepotche that’s simply WAY too ambitious for its own good, all made worse by desperate attempts at jumpscares and shallow teen characters.

Demons, parasitic fungi, seances, creepy laboratories with corpse cultures, rites, hauntings, the movie has them all, even if leads to congestion more than fun.

It’s not bad or boring, there are some cool ideas, and it’s kinda unpredictable, but that’s also because there too much on the plate and no focus, so the movie shifts from supernatural horror to psychological thriller and even to science fiction horror, and you keep wondering how the hell this all connects together until the very end… which you will still wonder about, as the clearly rushed finale leads to the “please franchise” cliffhanger, for a movie that otherwise feel quite longer than it actually is, just isn’t scary enough and baffles more than entertains.

I don’t think it’s outright crap, but i will admit i really, really struggled to get all the way to the end of The Privilege, more frustrated and annoyed than spooked or creeped out, a real shame since its well shot, there are some good gore effects, some interesting moments and the german cast it’s quite good.

A real pity.

[EXPRESSO] Prey (2021) | Die Freischutz, Die

Let’s go Netflix diving once again, with this german horror-thriller.

First, really, you couldn’t find another title for your movie?

Then again, i don’t expect people to confuse this with the 2007 killer lion movie, or the other killer lion movie from 2016, also called just “Prey”.

Premise it’s as stock as it gets for horror, as it’s about five friends escaping from someone hunting them down with a rifle in the woods, where they came just to make an excursion and relax.

A cabin of sorts gets involved somewhere down the line, sure, but don’t expect any subversion or satire of genre diktats, and while it’s not technically a “slasher” since the murdered uses a hunting rifle, it’s just that, a technicality, and expect some answers in the end, but not a twist.

The execution it’s not totally stock since it relies on atmosphere and tension, the mystery of why they are being hunted, and while on paper i do like the concept of not relying on obvious answers and trying to make the raw execution of a simple idea work without trick or convenient cliches… the execution here gives way to mostly boredom and not much to go on or look forward, with some substories and some drama just there to add something to the movie.

While there are some moments of decent tension, the acting is decent and it’s not completely boring or worthless (it’s not), it feels way longer than it is for a movie barely under 90 minutes, and it’s definitely not the kind of movie you wanna fire up if you’re already feeling sleepy or doozy, this isn’t made to “wake you up” to begin with, but it being fairly dull doesn’t help.

Mediocre and forgettable, you decide if it’s worth watching even once.

[EXPRESSO] Blood Red Sky (2021) | A Vampire On The Wing Of The Plane!

Sometimes Netflix is home to some good surprises, alongside reboots nobody asked and/or lots of “3D CG anime for the west”.

Seriously, Netflix does have some good exclusive movie releases, and this german horror thriller from Peter Thorwarth (also known as Transatlantic 473) is quite the unexpected delight.

Not because it came out of nowhere, i’ve heard of it before and was looking forward to it, but the premise gave the strong impression of this being a very gimmicky movie, using the horror element of “a vampire is on board” as a novelty to spice up another run of the mill thriller about a plane hijacked by terrorists, so i did go into this one with lowered expectations.

The premise see a mother and her son board a plane to New York, where she plans to get cured of her mysterious illness. But during the flight a group of terrorists spring their plan, hijack it, so in order to protect her son and the other passengers, the mother will have to give in her disease, as she’s actually a vampire, the kind that’s just a feral, unhinged creature entirely driven by bloodlust.

The vampire lore is pretty simple but also pretty convincing and brutal, fear not, the horror parts were not shoehorned in at the last moment, at all, and they work very well, not only as they give an interesting, fairly unique spin on the “airplane thriller”, but also feed into the notably solid mother-son dynamic, leading to pretty good drama featuring likeable, solid, competent characters.

Villains are a bit generic, but there’s the usual psychopath nutcase that helps in giving the plot some pretty good action scenes (among other things), and there’s a lot going on regardless, making the sizable runtime quite sensible. Pretty good one, quite recommended.