As we learned through years of shark movies, pretty much anything goes, especially as the budgets move closer to zero, even in these cases you can do a poster that’s way better than the movie could ever be, at the very least. Money is important, but lacking it can’t stop you making your movies about shark of any kind or type, as we already saw in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.
It’s another Mark Polonia film, but it’s one that immediatly, even after hundreds of these no budget sharks film (often made by him or his friends-colleagues), does make one stop and reflect on the fact that – maybe, maybe – this is crossing some unspoken line or etiquette, even amongst this kind of shark film, when you make a rip-off of Sand Sharks.
And also of Super Shark, which had a giant shark somehow moving on land, but that one was actually so craptastic to be memorable, both movies far older than this, so one has to wonder if – maybe – it wasn’t intentional, but i find it hard to believe the Polonia Brothers (of all people) weren’t aware of previous movies like Sand Sharks. To be more correct, i simply don’t.
Only reason i didn’t review this before it’s because it was surprisingly hard to find (without buying a vastly overpriced US DVD copy, guess Wild Eye Releasing didn’t bother with an UK release for this one) some years ago, so i put it on the “to do” list, kinda forgot about it, until a couple years back i did search for it again and found the whole thing on Youtube.
I dunno, maybe its inspired by the SNL sketch “Land Shark”…. but even that sketch had a better looking shark head, and i know it isn’t. Also, it doesn’t matter anyway, and the plot is not even abot burrowing sharks that swim in the sand, but “land sharks”, as in sharks that can move on land due to someone mixing human DNA in the animals.
… and there i could stop, but since Mark didn’t i won’t as well, more correctly i “can’t”, since most of the film’s plot is about these two scientists tracking down the land sharks for the evil corporation that created them and is bent on weaponizing these papermaciè abominations.
The evil corporation being comprised by a single (one) old lady talking via Skype, fuck off Akatsuki. And the two scientist being two randos Mark Polonia handed over his collection of toy sci-fi guns in order to fight off the landlubber sharkies, as they fuck over the camera with a Strong Bad approved “bulbous” distortion effect, and someone spread out jam and food coloring over the fangs of the papermacie shark, when they didn’t fling ketchup at the walls.
Because ultimately, this is a movie in the sense Mark Polonia probably did go on holiday at a seaside/beach location some day, and figured he could make a movie as well while he was at it, as i’m sure he brings that ol’ papermaciè shark fin prop around anywhere he goes. I would.
More importantly, this time around my favourite actor from the Polonia regulars, Jeff Kirkendall, plays the beloved Captain Bermuda. Sure he gets killed 6 minutes into this 74 minutes film, but one day he’s gonna finally accompany Tin Tin in his adventures…
i could go on, but it’s – as usual – beyond padded out with shit like photoshoots, Tinder dates, and even with one of the scientists becoming a “were shark” (for reasons too stupid to describe or care about, though it feels like an abandoned draft of Cocaine Shark) and a random drunk pissing on a “land shark”…it’s utter shit, as expected, but the senseless AND boring kind. Atrocious.
Itt could be worse. It could be Apex Predators/Jaws Of NY, for once, even if this also sequelbaits.
Funnily enough, this over time has actually been kinda buried by a 2020 Chinese shark film with actual medium-big budget also titled/distributed as “Land Shark”, one i’ve already reviewed.
Wise Cafe (International) 