[EXPRESSO] Crawl (2019) | Lator Gator

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My first thought when i heard the subject was: isn’t this like Bait/Shark 3D, but with a crocodile and a house instead of a shark and a submerged mart?

Nothing wrong with it, given how Bait is one of better shark movies of the lot (definitely a fuckton better among the endless pile of exploitation and B-Z cinema the marine predator attracts), and it’s not a rip-off of it anyway, it has a similar premise of being locked in the same location as an aggressive killer animal/monster. Which could also describe Aliens, so let’s just move to the plot.

Haley Keller is an underperforming swimmer, but hasn’t talked with her father (who also was her swimming coach for many years) in a long time, and their parents separated. But she goes to check on him when informed of a hurricane hitting their old house, and they find themselves trapped in the basement with alligators, with the water level constantly rising, and no help in sight.

Because what better bonding experience than trying to survive being eaten by Schnappi’s cousins can you wish for? Alexandra Aja (Piranha 3D, the 2006 The Hills Have Eyes remake, the 2012 Maniac remake, Horns) is back again with a relatively simple premise, one that could be seen in many low budget z-grade movies, but here is executed really well, with some stylish and brutal kills, tense scenes, a well known but still damn brutal primeval creature that’s lethal , no need to crossbred it with octopuses, sharks, isotopes, trilobites, etc.

Great pratical gore, great CG on the alligator, decent kill count, likeable characters, a perfect pace without any dull moment (just some brief moments of reprieve and character building), this has everything you may want from a fun “killer croc/alligator movie”, which are usually not this bloody good.

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Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach

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Tis the season.

If you are an avid shark moviegoer, it’s quite likely you heard of it, but then again, there are so many of these crappy B-movies around, it might have been lost between the Sharkenados, the Sharktopuses (a trilogy, so far) and the sharks that stack corpses to create dams like frigging beavers.

And because you didn’t ask, Zombeavers is also a thing.

Sand Sharks it another sterling exemplary of titulation, because it’s true, this time the sharks swim in the sand. How? In the paraphraresd words of the resident marine biologist “because they basically suck water out of the sand to survive”. ‘K. Continua a leggere “Sand Sharks (2011) [REVIEW] | Shark On The Beach”

[EXPRESSO] Demon’s Crystals PSN | In The Age Of Wonders..

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The story of Demon’s Crystals (related in half-assed text scrolls at the very beginning and end) is some evil monsters arrived and changed everyone into monsters, strange since you control half-dragon half human characters, but whatever, kill them all and reclaim your crystals back using magical guns, because it’s a twin stick shooter.

The hordes making up a stage will require you to collect a set number of crystals, kill a set number of enemies, or do both under the time limit, but besides that, it’s very typical of the genre. You get a good array of power ups with time limited usage, a very simple level up system (which makes you take and dish more damage) but there’s not loadout or any sort of customization or depth,

It would be a decent game of this genre, more on the “budget” side (not helped by the “halloween store” aesthetic), simple but fun, with a decent difficulty curve. Shame that the camera is a weird – and bad – compromise between isometric and “bird’s eye”, and in heated moments it becomes hard to tell which are your bullet or the enemy’s (when they don’t get accidentally camouflaged by the level), if you manage to see them coming at all, who knows what specific part of the stage will bother to block them.

This is especially noticeable during the few boss fights, especially the final one, which – on top of being cheap and frustrating – may obscure half the screen, when its routines don’t bug or glitch out.

When the game doesn’t randomly crash at the continue screen, which it loves to do – a LOT – at the final boss. Lovely.

You have local co-op, some competitive online modes and a survival mode, but… yeah, play Ruiner or anything by Housemarque, instead.

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[EXPRESSO] Pet Sematary (2019) | Truckin’ Dead

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I’m not familiar at all with Pet Sematary, be it the original book by Stephen King, or the 1989 movie adaptation (and his lesser known sequel, Pet Sematary Two), but there’s a new adaptation in theathers, so why not?

The premise is similar to the book (which was inspired by the famous The Monkey’s Paw story) or the previous movie incarnations, with a family that moves in their new country house, with a burial ground for pet animals – the titularly mispelled campo santo -located in the nearby woods. The house cat dies, and the father buries it in the “pet sematary”, which seems to hold a strange power, as their neighbour warns them of the ground being cursed…

I’m not gonna gonna point out differences between the book or the other movie, or say this is one of the better S. King adaptations, because i really can’t (i don’t count reading wikia as “having watched/read thing”), and you’re probably more familiar with the material than me anyway. I’m gonna say that the film is a bit frustrating to talk about, because the premise is intriguing, the tone is quite good, the acting and characterization too, i like that the entity is never overexplained (they say Wendigo at one point, but its got bugger all to do with the actual Wendigo from Algonquian folklore) but it’s a shame that the numerous attempts at jumpscares don’t really land.

And the pacing is slow, not particularly so, but enough to make the movie seem longer than it is, and the third act in contrast feels like it’s going fast, with some kinda silly sequences, which beg some explanation (or a better execution). I do like the ending, but i struggle to say that is “good”, quite close, but still not exactly there.

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[EXPRESSO] The Music Box/The Carillon (2018) | Seeming Is Believing

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It would be really easy to just dismiss this movie at first glance, just going by the cliched title and poster showing the stock “creepy lil’ ghost girl” and selling it (at least here in Italy) as “the horror movie that has frightened milions of spectators”.

And in this specific case, your assumptions would be 100 % correct.

The same trite story of a haunted object, a child coming in contact with the evil spirit contained within, and her foster mother fighting to save her from the entity. It really IS as predictable and clichè as it sound, and the execution is majestically bland, boring, not helped at all by acting that’s mediocre, at the very best, which isn’t often.

Even when the script basically gives up in the third act and events stop making any sense, it’s still so predictable you don’t even get mad or react at the stupid ass “scares”, the filler scenes where characters are told the same stuff they already know just so this can reach 90 minutes, or the forced (and undeserved) happy ending. It’s just that kind of pathetic, pitiful bad horror movie.

All of this is “crowned” by an odd italian dub (it’s an italian production, filmed in english language, not as rare as it sounds, though) that feels like a mix of a 90’s italian dub of brazilian telenovelas (not a compliment) and a sit-com, which is even odder for the italian actors in the cast, and makes the whole thing harder to take serious. Even more with the quality of production and cinematography, not notably worst than usual, but low enough that doesn’t feel exactly like a movie, or add to the atmosphere.

And no, still, none of this makes the movie unintentionally funny, just sadder and more pathetic, for everyone (me included). 😦

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[EXPRESSO] Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) | Live Action Mehstruction

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Live-action adaptations of animated works are quite the oddity.

Fans are usually against it because “it’s pointless”, but even so it’s hard to fully repress any curiosity, and it’s a way to stir up some interest in an IP.

In this case, it’s adapted from the omonymous 2000 Production IG film, a coproduction between french company Pathè and Hong Kong company Edko, directed by Chris Nahon.

The basic plot is mostly the same: Saya is an half vampire half human that hunts down “proper vampires” for a shadowy organization, that helps her by providing supplies for the killings. It’s still set in an American army base, but there’s also this whole backstory of shape shifting “demons” that in the 16th centhury took human shape to live between us (using the bloodshed of that period to their advantage), and Saya being the daughter of a legendary demon hunter, slain by the vile demon Onigen.

Also, she has to basically babysit Alice, the daughter of an american army general, after she saves her from vampires monsters disguised as school bullies. Yeah, while some scenes from the anime film are replicated, the plot changes and add things just to fill time between the decent action scenes, definitely the best parts of the movie, despite being very clearly made by a Hong Kong company, not very japanese.

It honestly feels like the plot was written for a tv series or a videogame based on Blood The Last Vampire, and then reused here, it has that cheap feeling to it. Apart from that, the movie is watchable, but it’s kinda shit, with laughably bad and clichè as hell dialogue, some stupid scenes, mediocre acting, inconsistent quality of the special effects, and a really anti-climatic final confrontation.

Oh, and the title is a lie. It is.

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[EXPRESSO] Temple (2017) | The J-Horror Clichès Shitsoup

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(BTW, this ISN’T the horror movie review i alluded to, this is a freebie)

I already did this one in my italian blog, but it’s quite the fun movie….. to review, and nothing else.

Mind you, if you saw the poster, you may expect some level of quality, since it’s “from the writer of You’Re Next and Blair Witch (2016)”, Simon Barrett, but it doesn’t tell you it’s directed by Michael Barrett (maybe a relative?), a cinematographer.

I didn’t knew any of this when i stumbled across it through Netflix “horror” catalogue (never even heard of it before), and – ultimately – it doesn’t matter.

Temple proclaims to be a movie, but i have the feel the director went to Japan to stock up on Gunplas, and while he was here, he decided to throw together a bunch of j-horror cliches and call it a film, not that it actually matters if it takes place in Japan or not (even more since everything else is distinctly american).

The plot: a couple and a childhood friend of the gal (yeah, it’s uncomfortable) go to Japan because she wants to finish her thesis on occult sacred grounds or something, they find out of a temple that the locals avoid like the plague, go there, and they get attacked by something, who the fuck knows for sure.

And i mean it, since the movie, on top of scarcely reaching the 70 minutes mark (and being comatosely boring all the way), filled with “just woke up” performances, being stock beyond belief (even if tried it couldn’t be more trite), for its climax can’t decide between the “there actually were monsters” or the “dude allucinated and did the killings himself” endings, so it does both and none at the same time.

It’s quite impressive how much nothing is in this film.

Just worthless, pointless, even if you wanna watch a bad horror movie.

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A Star Is Born rapid thoughts and upcoming stuff

I don’t have the time to do even an Expresso review of A Star Is Born, so i’m just gonna say this: i didn’t knew it was a “remake” of an older movie (which i never heard about before), but i was favorably surprised, it’s really, really good. The last act was kinda slow, but still, i encourage you go see it in theathers (or catch it later on VOD, here in Italy premiered 3 days ago), even if you’re not big on this kind of story, because i sure as hell wasn’t.

That said, i have an Expresso review of something more proper for the month, and maybe something special, something extreme…

Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]

I don’t usually do “Volume 1” reviews of anything, so it’s more of a “first impressions” on the series, as i don’t plan to ever read the second volume.

Author: Tadahiro Miura

Publisher: Seven Seas Entertaiment

Note: the review is based on the italian edition (titled Ghost Inn- La Locanda Di Yuna, lit. “Ghost Inn – Yuna’s Tavern/Inn), published by Planet Manga

Also, the anime adaptation is streaming on Crunchyroll (for US viewers).

Well, i’ve never expected to say “gimme Monster Musume instead”, but here we are. Continua a leggere “Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]”

[EXPRESSO] Muse (2017) | Dry Paint?

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Samuel Salomon is a literature professor, that has taken a 1 year break from work since the tragic death of his wife. On top of the grief, he has a recurring nightmare of a woman being killed in a strange ritual, and eventually finds out that the woman in his nightmare has been found dead in the same exact circumstances.

He sneaks on the crime scene and there meets Rachel, a woman who also had the same identical nightmare day after day. The two set out to discover the identity of the mysterious victim, and in their research they learn of the Muses, the ancient deities of greek mithology that have been said to inspire artists since the beginning of mankind, and their dark secrets.

By the same director of (most of, anyway) the [REC] series, which doesn’t mean anything to me, since i never saw any movie from that series, or any movie directed by Jaume Balaguerò before this one.

And…. it’s ok. It has Christopher Lloyd, which is a plus (even though this means bugger all, since The Oogieloves could make the same exact claim), the subject is quite interesting (definitely more than Down A Dark Hall, which has more in common with this one than expected), the acting is quite good, the set design is nice, the horror mithology built around the actual myth of the Muses it’s not bad at all.

So, it sound like it could be a good one, but the execution just feels kinda flat, and in the third act the movie drops so many twist and revelations on the viewer that is kinda suffocating, they make sense (mostly), but it doesn’t change the lack of any sense of urgency, danger, or dread for most of the film. Which is a problem.

It’s alright.

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