[EXPRESSO] The Watchers (2024) Live Theathre In The Woods

Mr Twister is once again back on the silver screen, and we’re going back to the woods, this time not to hide while people believing to be the Four Horsemen invade your home and impose an improbabile apocalyptic task to you and your family, or to bother the geezers, but to play the sickest livestream event of them all… to an unknown audience.

… oh wait, this is actually written and directed by Inasha Night Shyamalan, one of M. Night’ (with Trap, directed by him, also releasing in 2024) daughters, here at her directorial debut.

The premise sees a girl, Mina, a 28 yo artist, finding herself lost and isolated inside a huge forest in western Ireland, only for her to take refuge in a cottage and unknownly get trapped in there alongside three other people, to be watched at night by some strange creatures dwelling there.

What’s scariest than improv theather to a fussy audience that might just kill you like a fly if it wishes so, after all? Very little, outside of some cosmic horror older than time itself and such.

While there’s definitely a similar imprint to her father, The Watchers doesn’t rely entirely on a last second last act twist to flip around the narrative, i mean, it’s kinda easy to predict partly what the creatures could be (if nothing else for the location), and they don’t throw out some stupid and-or unsatisfying curveball just for the sake of throwing off the audience, so for best or worst it relies more on actually making you care the lore and the plot being interesting in itself.

Still nothing really special despite the clever hook and good casting for what are just functional characters, but honestly i’d say it’s quite the decent watch, especially for a directorial debut.

[EXPRESSO] Abigail (2024) | A particular set of vampire skills

Abigail poses an intriguing premise, asking what if a kidnapping went south because the gang did not known they were abducting a child vampire, heck, even worse, the daughter of Dracula, before they retired to an unknown villa as they wait for the ransom money?

The result it’s actually quite interesting as the strong premise is taken to some unique degrees since there’s a Tarantino-esque (or Tatantino-adjacent) approach to relationship these criminals have with each other while waiting for the ransom to be paid, and the already strong vibes of Dusk Until Dawn are empowered by the very splattery and over the top amounts of high budget, exploitation levels of gore on display, and the playful element is further strengthened by how it feels almost like a reverse Home Alone, as the child vampire literally plays with them before going for a brutal, sadistic kill, after making the kidnappers feel like they’re in control.

Also, it plays around with the old vampire lore weaknesses for some laughs but also to depict vampires not so much refined monsters but as more cunning feral abominations always hungry for blood, yet somehow manages to have some emotional moments, some strange empathy, it’s a surprisingly strong pastiche that is able to draw nicely from its obvious inspirations but also work on its own and being a fun horror comedy romp that delivers fully on the idea and be hugely entertaining from beginning to end, with a really good cast that includes Kevin Durand and also Giancarlo Esposito (of Far Cry 6 fame) in a minor but still welcome role.

It’s a shame people might sleep on it, because it’s still worth watching even if the trailers are not taking any chance with subtlety and sorta spoiling it….which i kinda understand but kinda not.

[EXPRESSO] Tarot (2024) | S. Link RANK UP

It’s that “almost summer” period, so why not indulge in the new teen horror out in theathers, Tarot?

No oujia boards, no dolls, this time the teens ® will fail to learn that doing things when told NOT do those things is a recipe for manburger massacre town… even with cards. Tarot cards, obviously.

The premise sees a group of friends breaking the unspoken sacred rule about Tarot cards, as in one must not use another’s cards. In doing so they release a malignant force hidden in the cursed cards and they will have to fight for their life in what it sounds more and more like a Final Destination script rewritten at the last week, despite being based on a 1992 novel called Horrorscope.

Surprisingly it doesn’t all takes place in the villa where they find the cursed deck, but otherwise it’s a familiar watch, bringing out all the stops and expected bits, like them having to contact an estranged individual that believes and is versed in the supernatural foe they’re trying to escape, which is nice since the lore of the movie about tarot cards and astrology isn’t gonna expose itself.

On the other hand it’s a nice little variation/take on the Final Destination shtick that uses the premise of tarot card, divination and astrology related beliefs as well as it could possibly can, the characters are stock but likeable, the idea using the Arcanas in order to evoke a small ensemble of monsters chasing their victims is actually quite fun and executed decently.

It’s also a bit PG-13-ier than expected on gore but i can forgive that and the final “asspull” because the film it’s kinda silly at heart, it doesn’t overstay its welcome, and even if largely predictable and formulaic, it’s honestly more enjoyable than expected.

[EXPRESSO] The First Omen (2024) | Damien Begins

It may look silly (or worse) to see the review for a new Omen film pop up after i outright refused to even see The Exorcist: Believer in theathers and just skipped it, but after hearing more than a few early reviews being positive for The First Omen, i figured why not, oddly sounds about right.

And for the record i never bothered with any of the sequels, which must have been the case for many, as this new Omen film does the other trend for new entries in old or long running horror series, as in its a prequel to the original The Omen from 1976 instead of a legacy sequel or a reboot.

Which is oddly kinda refreshing, at least in the current horror climate.

The plot concerns a young american woman, sent to Rome in order to be initiated into sisterhood, as she encounters a darkness so shocking it shakes her beliefs to the very core, and has her learn about a conspiracy to birth the Antichrist.

While it too suffers from some fixations of these prequels and legacy sequels, like having to redo a scene (or more) from the original movie mostly for the hell of it, and it has to move within the limits of an already established story which limits the potential twists and surprises, but honestly i was really surprised, as not only it works out a really creepy origin story/prequel to the 1976 movie, really taking advantage of the setup for some devilish twists and most importantly, an incredibly effective, graphic and twisted tale of evil, that manages to stand out by its own merits and uses the borrowed lore to the best it can, instead of just chasing the ghost of an older, better movie.

Surprisingly very good horror prequel, recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Imaginary (2024) | Polterbear

Soo…. Blumhouse recent cinematic output that isn’t M3GAN has been quite the slop drop, and Imaginary is not gonna change that, but to my slight surprise, this is not as outright shit as Night Swim, despite both feeling like “january horror film releases”.

This time we deal with the idea of “imaginary friends” conjured up by children, and we focus on a children book’s author, Jessica, married to a musician named Max, that move back into Jessica’s childhood home, with the daughters from Max’s previous marriage, Alice and Taylor, in tow.

As Jessica struggles to connect with her new stepdaughters, keeps having nightmare of her insane father, Ben, and her children book’s characters, Alice finds a teddy bear in the basement and becomes attached to it to a creepy degree, while an elderly neighbour called Gloria approaches Jessica and shares memories of her childhood, which Jessica doesn’t seem to remember at all….

It doesn’t sound original, and it isn’t, ticking every box in the “supernatural horror with children and dolls” category, and since it’s a Blumhouse release, there’s gotta be an overemphasis on jump scares over trying to build some creepy atmosphere, some decent acting lost to one-note characters, and this case a script with some promise that ultimately is bogged down by too much worldbuilding and “Blumhouse claptrap”, so to say.

BUT i’ll say that it does pull a decent little twist halfway through, and the last act shows some creatitivity to the visuals, some ideas that give some needed energy to the trite formula, and it helps elevating it from being a total, predictable and boring shitfest, thought a bit frustrating since there was some potential to it, but instead it’s just a passable, if middling and instantly forgettable supernatural horror film by the ol’ “House Of Blum”.

Abyssal Spider AKA Mad Spider Sea (2020) [REVIEW] #giantmonstermarch

Want more spider movies? Want spiders so bad you’ll marry Rachnera Arachnera?

Well, here’s one about a fricking giant water spider from Taiwanese director Joe Chien.

No, it doesn’t involve a crew of on a ship trying to romance off the storm and the aquatic creatures, they just have to survive the weather and these mysterious things that attack them from the water, with the help of Aije, who previously survived a boat disaster where a large shadow in the abyss pulled the entire vessel into the depths….

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Night Swim (2024) | “Get Out Of My Friggin’ Pool!”

Based on a short film of the same name by director Bryce McGuire, Night Swim is the kind of horror film that actually speaks for itself very clearly since it’s what the trailer (kinda ) made it look like, as in it’s a movie about a haunted pool.

The premise sees a family move in to a new house as the father, a baseball star whose career got cut short by a degenerative illness, forcing him to an early retirement. Still secretly hoping to get back into the Major Leagues, he decides to clean up the pool as he thinks will be good for his rehab and be fun for his kids too, unaware of the house’ dark secrets……

It almost feels like an accidental american remake of a Japanese horror film from the 2000s, like someone by pure coincidence remade 2002’s Dark Water (again), or somewhere along those lines, despite not actually being that kind of movie, as the lore get explained it’s hard not to see it that way, because despite the stupid-ish sounding premise, something could have been done with it that’s not subpar, weak cluster of cliches.

Silly as “haunted pool” sounds-is, the water-centric scenario could have been used to some effect, and there’s effort to make it work as a serious horror film, but it doesn’t help that the result it’s something that makes you whip out your theasurus to avoid saying “it’s shallow/lukewarm”, despite it being that insipid and ineffective, with accidental “anti-jumpscares”, stock characters, the lack on any proper atmosphere, or anything that hasn’t already been done way better before.

It’s just “not enough” in any regard, while also being “too much”.

[EXPRESSO] Poor Things (2023) | Lanthimos’ Frankenhooker

Yorghos Lanthimos’ latest movie, Poor Things, based on the novel of the same name by Alasdair Grayand (and presented during last year’s Venice Film Festival) has finally hit theathers here, and i’m overjoyed to say this might be my favourite film of his, and honestly even better than the previous one, The Favourite (har har), despite being very different.

As in this is Lanthimos basically reinventing Bride Of Frankenstein but as a modern progressive dramedy about the sexual liberation of the “Creature”, in this case Bella Baxter (Emma Stone), a woman resurrected through an unthordox experiment by the scarred and controversial scientist, Godwin Baxter (William Dafoe), whom hires a medical student to look after and document her learning process, as she has the mind of a child. As she gains more lexicon, more concepts and start seeing more of anything outside of Godwin’s house/laboratory, she eventually wants out and escapes with a suave and dissoluted lawyer, Duncan Webberburn (Mark Ruffallo), on a trip around the world.

A very odd world, because (aside from some of Godwin’s spliced animals that feel Burtonesque at a glance) this isn’t another hystorical setting, as the time period looks like it’s straight out Frankenstein (with many initial black-n-white sequences reinforcing that feeling), with horse-drawn carriages, the circular study halls to observe the autopsies, the overall fashion, but it’s also a very overlysatured retro-futuristic – almost steampunk- world.

Most importantly, it’s another amazing display of Lanthimos ability with comedy, brutal, relentless comedy, especially about sex more than horror as you might think, demonstrating any lack of restrain but alway a lot of wit to sell the absolute farce of these increansingly weirder situations, while knowing perfectly where to the let the drama of Bella’s situation sink in, all with fantastic performances by the stellar cast.

Terrific.

[EXPRESSO] The Piper (2023) | Devil’s Trill Sonata

It is “evil Hamelin”?

Yes.

And yet people say i can’t do short reviews.

To be honest, this isn’t even that bad of a movie to deserve being summed up “evil Hamelin ghost’s revenge”…. yet it is that, it’s exactly that.

The plot sees a struggling musician strong-handed by her maestro into retrieving a music sheet from her mentor, as she was reluctant to finish the piece, a children’s concerto, even tried to get rid of it before her untimely and gruesome death.

She manages to steal the sheets to get ahead and provide for her semi-deaf daughter, but soon realizes her actions unleashed a sinister presence that starts influencing people, especially children…

It has decent-to-good production values, decent acting, it’s not completely boring, but it’s also utterly predictable, very run-of-the-mill in pretty much every aspect, from the characters, the motivations, even the lore that basically amounts to the usual reworking old folklore legends told to children in a horror context, so we have the entity as the Pied Piper of Hamelin, back for revenge… or something, you get the feeling they don’t show him too much in the movie because they didn’t actually know what to do him until the third act, and boy he does feel like a missed opportunity for a more refined antagonistic phantasm/entity.

Every now and then it has some decent or satisfying moments that avoid it slipping into sub-par slop, it helps that it’s fairly short, 90 minutes with a decent pacing, but for every positive there’s some bullshit that eventually brings it back to being incredibly average and easily forgettable/disposable, despite some effort that – again – doesn’t ultimately pays off in any significant way. The very definition of “nothing special”.

moral of the story: pay people when they do their fuckin job.

[EXPRESSO] Disquiet (2023) | A Game Of Disappearing Nurses

An unplanned trip to the Netflix content mill yield the discovery of Disquiet, which i feel can be described as the “Silent Hill haunted hospital unofficial movie”….made by people that never actually played Silent Hill.

Still, it has an undeniably strong opening that explains the premise and gets the mystery starting, with a man, Sam (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), that after a car accident wakes up in a deserted hospital, deserted minus the man in the next bed that tries to strangle him, gets shanked by Sam countless times, then simply disappears. Then a nurse appears, only to also disappear, Sam being chased again by the crazed patient, and finding other people that are also trapped in this limbo-esque location..

It’s not a good movie, heck, i can understand how you could be frustrated because as a horror movie it’s really generic, derivative and honestly by the end it’s easy to forgot this is not just a supernatural thriller, that angle makes it easier to “swallow” as you’re curious than cautious about what happens, but it’s also an excuse because this is a horror film.

One ripe with characters that are trite but still enjoyable despite having no depth (aside the protagonist Sam), and plenty of various horror building blocks, like the “scarecrowy scary faces”, many flashbacks, not scary “scary parts”, leading to a fairly predictable scenario.

Regardless of you wanna slice it, i don’t hate it or think it’s atrocious, at least it’s not boring and the direction manages to keep things going nicely, it’s pretty disposable, and while it cops out by spoon feeding the ending’s meaning to the audience…. the ending could have easily been worse.

So it’s worth at least a watch to kill some time.

On Netflix, i wouldn’t bother going to the theathers for it.