Camel Spiders (2011) [REVIEW] | Not camels, nor spiders

Spiders: when you can’t afford sharks or giant reptiles for your creature feature.

And because many people do find arachnids in general to be quite disgusting, so it’s no wonder they’re a constant for b-movies since forever, especially if they’re of giant size.

This time we have Camel Spiders, one of the many late 2000s/early 2010s Roger Corman productions (sporting the “Roger Corman Presents” label on DVD releases), this one directed by Jym Wynorski… credited as Jay Andrews as usual.

For consistency’s sake, i guess.

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Kaw (2007) [REVIEW] | Mennonite Paradise

YES, another one i was cojoled into watching and reviewing quickly because Amazon Prime Video reminded me they we’re gonna take it off their service in 5 hours. And since i’m still semi-quarantined at home, might as well watch it and review it.

This time it’s about killer birds, crows instead of general “birds”, because clichès.

And like a good chunk of these movie i’ve been “coerced” into reviewing by Amazon Prime Video removing, this is another TV movie for Sci-Fi Channel/SYFY, and it’s somewhat fitting that most of these movies about killer birds were made for TV, since the apocryphal The Birds II: Land’s End in 1994, a movie so good the director Rick Rosenthal (the original Halloween II, Bad Boys, American Dreamer, Halloween Resurrection) asked to be credited as Alan Smithee instead, was also a TV movie.

The title also echoes the “famous” snake creature feature “Sss”, you lure people into watching your movie better with this simplistic attitudine, so KAW is it. I love that in the italian release they added a subtitle with the intent to specify the ravens are not just your common, bargain basement ravens…. but if i were to translate it to english it would literally read “Attack Of The Common Ravens”.

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Fire Serpent (2007) [REVIEW] | … Of Known Origin

Another one for the ever increasing pile of movies i saved for later on Amazon Prime Video and ended up watching & reviewing before they get taken off or gated off another subscription service.

And yes, it’s a TV movie for Sci-Fi Channel, from before they just rebranded themselves as “SYFY”, but yeah, we’re going back yet again to the neverending well of trash, always flowing, always bursting and ripe for the picking by the cynical, the bored, and the masochist. And people like me, i guess.

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The Black Hole (2006) [REVIEW] | (Supermassive)

No, not the sci-fi adventure Disney adventure from back when Disney didn’t also own Star Wars.

No, not the classic pinball table by Gottlieb.

Just another SYFY disaster movie for TV. Not be confused with another sci-fi movie from 2016 that’s also called Black Hole.. when it’s not sold as Quantum Voyage.

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Dino Dicember #22: Anonymous Rex (2004)

Ah yes, the “Jurassic Park X Blade Runner” crossover you never asked for but was actually made, not so much to chomp on a Ridley Scott movie released 22 years priors (at the time), but as to put out something since the TV series based on Casual Rex, the prequel to the novel of Anymous Rex (both written by Enry Garcia, who also wrote a sequel book, Hot N Sweaty Rex, and Repo Men), and – aactually serves as the base for this movie, despite being titled after the first novel.

Yes, they basically reworked the unproduced work for the Casual Rex TV series as a 2 hour movie… not called “Casual Rex”, but “Anonymous Rex”. I guess because it’s a more catchy title. Confused yet? Hope not, but still, how many dino-noir films are out there? I wouldn’t exactly consider Theodore Rex as noir, myself.

I have to add this one is quite hard to even see, it’s on Amazon Prime Video… in the US, and i draw the line at using a VPN or registering to suspicious site for downloads. So i had to watch it on Youtube, in parts, hardsubbed in chinese in an embarassing resolution. I’m not gonna use screenshots from that, for obvious reasons.

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Dino Dicember #11: The Eden Formula (2006)

Wait, this movie isn’t produced by Roger Corman, how it could it count as the second unofficial sequel/spin-off of the Carnosaur series?

Well, this time the connection is both direct and oblique, as it’s directed (and written) by John Carl Buechler, who worked on the special effects for the 3 Carnosaur movie, and – for whatever reason – he decided to crib stock footage from the first Carnosaur flick. Times.. never change.

Sorry for the screenshots’ abysmal resolutions and quality.

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Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005.png — **Yeah, not a clear edit. Good lord, at least have matching fonts.**

This is actually Spring Break Shark Attack, but sold on home video as Dangerous Water Shark Attack, like in the UK DVD version, which also sports a cover trying to imply a more grim tone to the titular shark attack, totally trojan horsing to the shark movie aficionados a movie with such a generic name, making them think this is The Reef.

Really, even Jersey Shore Shark Attack had more to it, even if it was due to mixing together (and unofficially) two different – yet perfectly compatibile – flavours of trash, this is exactly what it says on the tin, and one that must have required very little brainstorming. Shark movie. Spring break. Teens played by “not quite teen” actors. Bikinis. Send tweet. Send script. Print. Beautiful. Continua a leggere “Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?”

Shark Attack (1999) [REVIEW] | Nu Sharks

Shark Attack 1999

It’s 1999. 2 months before Deep Blue Sea hits american theathers, another TV movie about sharks is released, to fairly negative reviews. Not that this will stop Shark Attack 2 and Shark Attack 3: Megaladon to happen the following years.

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Swamp Shark/Killer Shark (2011) [REVIEW] Bayou Boyah

Swamp Shark AKA Killer Shark 2011

Since i couldn’t find a copy of Mississippi River Sharks NOT dubbed in hindi (not offense, but i don’t understand a lick of it), i’m doing this one.

Never heard of it before, just randomly happened upon it while browsing Amazon Prime Video, under one of its alternative titles, the imaginative “Killer Shark”.
Compared to the choking hazard sharks, i guess. Continua a leggere “Swamp Shark/Killer Shark (2011) [REVIEW] Bayou Boyah”

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula

2 Lava 2 Lantula 2016

Oh yeah, baby, because parodying the Fast N Furios titling stylization is still kewl.

But it fits, given the tongue-in-cheek tone of the first Lavalantula (still think it should have been Lavantula, but whatever), which was a decent, enjoyable B-movie about lava spiders from director Mike Mendez (Big Ass Spider, the “Friday the 31st” segment in Tales Of Halloween), a genuine one that actually sets out to be fun and not just in the “let’s make as bad as possible on purpose” trend. Continua a leggere “2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula”