[EXPRESSO] Army Of Thieves (2021) | Nibelungenlied

I’m not gonna question if someone was actually looking forward to this Army Of The Dead prequel, because that one got a divisive reception, and there’s always something that appeals to someone.

Not that the very idea of a prequel to Army Of The Dead is bad, so let’s go over the plot.

Army Of Thieves (directed by Matthias Schweighöfer) takes place 6 years before the event of Army Of The Dead, and it focuses on the character of “Dieter”, the safe cracker extraordinarie, who starts by making Youtube videos on the subject…. and get no online attention, until it’s invited to an underground safecracking tournament by a mysterious commenter.

The mysterious figure turns out to be Gwendolyne, a jewel thief that eyed him for his crew in order to make an incredible triple heist by cracking the first three safes done by legendary locksmith Wagner, all named after the major musical dramas of his homonymous composer.

This is not a bad movie, at all, it’s quite entertaining, the acting it’s good, the action it’s funthere’s some flair and wit to the script, Dieter it’s a lovable nerdy twink, and surprinsigly the other characters are quite likable… but it’s another heist movie, the rom-com bits are the weakest parts and you definitely feel its 2 hours runtime.

It’s a fun heist movie, though, and also one of those “detachable” prequels that can be enjoyed on its own… since it’s barely connected to Army Of The Dead, by design, and honestly i kinda enjoyed this more, it grew on me despite not really being enamored with the idea, i guess since Army Of Thieves it’s more focused on what it wants without trying to juggle 3 movies at once.

Arguably longer than needed and not “perfect”, but a fun watch nonetheless.

[EXPRESSO] Dune (2021) | Utonium Based

So, quick disclaimer: i haven’t seen the older David Lynch’s adaptation of Dune, nor read the book by Frank Herbert.

But yes, Villeneuve directing it already “sealed the deal” for me, and it has been a while since they tried to launch a saga like this… and having to deliver on the first movie of what Warner Bros it’s eyeing to be a long franchise (as the Dune cycle is made of 6 books, and this movie just adapts the first half of the first book), so they can’t just do random shit with no plans. No names needed.

And it’s also quite reasonable to expect a lot from director and writer Denis Villeneuve, but let’s discuss the main gist of the story presented here.

Dune is a tale of political intrigue set in a very distant future, and taking place on the planet Anakis, a desert wasteland that is rich in “melange” or “spice”, a resource that acts as a portentous supernatural drug but it’s fought and sought after as it also essential for long distance space travel.

Political games see the Emperor “donate” Anakis to the Atriades clan, after the Harkonnen’s lineage has held and profitted from the melange for centuries, which result in setting off a war that also involves the blue eyed natives of Anakis, called “Fremens”, and the young duke of Atriades, who starts having visions of the future and nurture other supernatural powers…

While this is clearly the beginning of – at least – a trilogy, this is a great start, with amazing visuals, memorable characters played by an all star cast, all fitting a lot in under 3 hours, while not feeling bloated at all, and most importantly, creating an interesting, epic sci-fi universe you wanna see and learn more about.

Pretty good.

Snow Shark – Ancient Snow Beast (2012) [REVIEW] | Papermaciè Sharks

I wanted to cover this alongside the other 2 ice themed shark movies this last january, but only, after searching high and low (♫ there’s no end to the lenghts ♫ ), i got a hold of the first “snow shark” movie ever, at least as far as i’m aware, one that came out in the early 2010s but precedes the modern strain of sharks mixed with natural phenomena, made robot, giant, ghost, and so on.

Yes, the full title is needed because there’s also Avalanche Sharks, in some territories (like Germany) sold as “Snow Shark/s”, at least on home video.

And for this one, we must once again thread into psychotronic “shot on shitteo”, as in homegrown cinema, shot by a guy that directs, writes and stars into his movies, alongside the cast made of his friends and family (who brought their own costumes and props to the set), clearly shot in his hometown on a very short time-span and on a shoestring budget, like less than 7000 dollars.

And yes, this one is in the same league as Jurassic Shark and Krampus The Christmas Devil, actually this feels like a Polonia Brothers joint… and they’re involved alongside Brett Piper (of Queen Crab “fame”) as editors, but we’re still in that specific strata of “low-to-no budget”.

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Piranha II: The Spawning (1980) [REVIEW] | Flying Jaws

Ah, yes, the first and only killer piranha movie directed by James “James Cameron Presents James Cameron In Association With James Cameron” Cameron, here at his directorial debut , after years of working as a special effects artist under good ol Roger Corman (who else?), stars Tricia O’ Neill and Lance Henriksen, who would later appeared in the original Terminator film and Aliens, with the script by then also newbie Charles H. Eglee – credited as H. A. Milton- better know nowadays for his work on series like The Shield, Dexter and Dark Angel.

You gotta start somewhere, and in this case that happens to be the sequel to 1978’s Joe Dante directed Piranha, in what would become a full series, with a 1995 remake simply called “Piranha” and another, looser remake with Piranha 3D, which also had a sequel. Not bad for what was conceived as a Jaws knock-off with a degree of self-awareness.

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Zarkorr! The Invader (1996) [REVIEW] | Cinephiles Of Earth, Beware…

You can hardly go more Z-grade cinema than with Zarkorr! The Invader from Full Moon Entertaiment, at least regarding movies that do have production values and some backing behind them. Of course, you can go even worse, as the company itself demonstrated last year by making a zombie movie about the Coronavirus… and by that i mean putting a shitty comical dub track over Bruno Mattei’s Hell Of The Living Dead, with a tiny bit of new footage to act as a “framing device” of someone watching Hell Of The Living Dead while quarantined at home. Good lord.

But thankfully this is just Full Moon Entertaiment doing a direct-to-video kaiju movie, about aliens that have been observing Earth for centhuries, and one day decide to challenge mankind by sending in a huge monster called Zarkorr to wreak havoc with its size and lazer eyes. As the human champion, they choose an incredibly average postal worker, Tommy Ward, as the only one who can defeat Zarkorr and save the planet.

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Dragon Wars: D-War (2008) [REVIEW] | Imagine Depressing Dragons

You know Reptilian, the South Korean 1999 movie also known as Yonggary, despite not really being a remake of the South-Korean Yongary: Monster From The Deep?

We’re not talking about that. It’s pretty well known for its unfinished crappy CG for the monsters, the laughably stupid dialogues and its clear attempt at copying Godzilla… the 1998 Roland Emmerich american remake Godzilla, that is.

It’s a cult sensation, one i feel it’s pretty well known to genre fans, so i would argue there’s not much point going over it again. And i won’t, not today.

What is less discussed is Dragon Wars: D-War, despite also being a Korean monster movie from director Shim Hyung-Rae, and pretty much a continuation of Reptilian, as in a second attempt to make a proper Korean monster movie for home and abroad.

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Dino Dicember #20: Theodore Rex (1995)

The 1990’s had such a thing for the “extinction impaired” that they managed to spawn not one, not two but three (at least) dinosaur cyberpunk movies, and yes, i’m counting Super Mario Bros The Movie as one of them, because it fits. But we’ll reference that one some more later, when we tackle Anonymous Rex, today we’re talking about a movie that people knew about at the time… but wish they didn’t.

Clearly it didn’t help Whoopi Goldberg’s career, but neither this nor Monkeybone stopped her. Baby Geniuses 2 did more on that regard, as far as playing a character (instead of herself) in a movie.

Of course, this means Theodore Rex, the sci-fi dinosaur buddy cop comedy that was meant for theathers, but ultimately went straight to the home video market, at least in the US and Italy. Also, it did earn Whoopi Goldberg a Golden Raspberry Award, but the Razzies… yeah, whatever.

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Genshin Impact PS4 [FIRST IMPRESSIONS] | Paimon Patrol

After spending ¾ hours in it, having gone past the obvious tutorials and tutorialized parts of the game, i’m ready to put down some impressions on the latest game/live service by the developers of Honkai 3^rd Impact.

Just wished i did some research first, because while this game is also available on PC and smartphones (and it’s also coming to Switch soon enough), the PS4 version doesn’t support cross-platform play, it just ties the game’s progress to your PSN account.

So even if you did already have a miHoyo’s account, it doesn’t matter.

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Oneechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers WII [REVIEW] | Carpal Zombie Syndrome

As i said in the review of Bikini Samurai Squad, D3 Publisher released that and this Wii exclusive the same year in western territories. Aside being a fairly logical choice to do a “double feature” with games clearly drawing heavily from exploitation cinema of the 70s, these two games happen to be sequels, main installments in the Oneechanbara, as Bikini Zombie Slayers (“Oneechanbara 4”) is set after Bikini Samurai Squad (“Oneechanbara 3”), and features all characters from that game.

The story itself… it’s hard to say it has a plot. I played it years ago and completely forgot anything about the plot, so i had to google it and even that didn’t yield any synopsis, so i had to bust out the game’s physical manual, the old, old school way. One that would never fail… if they actually print any kind of story in the booklet to begin with.

They didn’t in this case.

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Shark Month approacheth

Sweetness And Lightning same song

So yeah, as this month comes to a close and coincidentally i go back to work, i’d like to announce that you will see a lot of shark movie reviews in june, as this quarantine was quite boring, with 15 planned reviews, and maybe some extra ones, if i have the time.

And no, i don’t plan to review JUST shark movies in june, nor i planned to dub it “shark month”, but you get the point!