Elves (1989) [REVIEW] | Nazicest Gobbo-Grizzly Conspiracy

This is a quasi-well known one, it has a certain reputation, but i’m willing to cover it anyway because it’s still one of the strangest fuckin horror film i’ve ever seen, it’s still unique, as in “who the hell comes up with this stuff” kind of unique, sure as shit there’s nothing quite as absurd, even with the plenty batshit delirium that comes with vintage holiday horror films, Christmas related or not.

It’s just not everyday you get a movie about Christmas elves that’s also about Nazis, has a demonic conspiracy to breed the Aryan “Master Race” which involves incest and blood rituals, and just calling it “Elves” it’s a great Trojan-horsing manouver, how the fuck can one expect this level of obscene and absurd with such a simple, direct title?

It’s a deranged mish mash in many ways than you both and would not assume, because you’d expect a creature feature movie following in the vein of Gremlins, like Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies… and to an extend that is correct, as we’ll see later.

Strap in, because we’re in for quite the ride, one that Dan Haggerty (of The Life and Times Of Grizzly Adams’ fame) wasn’t happy to partake in one bit, despite being the protagonist, as sometimes you can almost see his genuine stunned yet unamused, baffled reaction to the dialogues he’s forced to hear coming from the other actors’ mouths.

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[EXPRESSO] Red One (2024) | Christmas In Wakanda Pole

The Rock is back, as Santa’s bodyguard in Red One, which comes out in mid-November because fuck it, you’re already thinking of Christmas anyway.

One Red goes for the “Santa Is Real” school of phylosophy, but actually adds something as Santa is real and powerful as the legend says, as true as the various mythical creatures related to his figures, often working for/with him in a hidden Wakanda-esque city-factory, where they prepare all year so on Christmas they can actually deliver children worlwide their gifts in one night, using magic and top-tier technology to be unseen and unheard. This time however a legendary hacker manages to find a flaw in their security, which leads to a mysterious figure kidnapping ol’ Nick.

So its up to The Rock (as Santa’s grand general) to find out who’s responsible, alongside the same hacker that unknowingly helped kidnap Santa, and a gauntlet thingie that gives him bootleg Ant Man powers, because why not, it makes for some fun (albeit not original) ideas and visuals.

As expected, this is yet another one of those that could simply be called “The Rock/Dwayne Johnson movies”, as it features everything you’d associate with the actor and his filmography, so it has monsters, fantasy stuff, action, comedy, The Rock having “legal plot armor”, all in a family friendly package, even more as this one it’s a christmas film, so JK Simmons can’t reprimand Mark Grayson or insult Peter Parker.

The final battle is a bit of an anticlimactic cop-out, but overall, this one of the better ones as of late, far from turds like Black Adam but also definitely above middling and completely forgettable stuff like Red Notice, there’s definitely a bit more creativity and energy to be found in it, making for a decently entertaining action-comedy-fantasy Christmas romp.

Dungeon Meshi/Dungeon Food/Delicious In Dungeon [ANIME FIRST IMPRESSIONS]

I feel like i’ve sang the praises of Ryoko Kui’s manga “Dungeon Meshi” before on these pages, but regardless, i’m gonna say it again, it’s one of the best goddamn manga series i’ve red in YEARS, it has a devoted following that just keeps growing, and i was super giddy to finally see the anime adaptation, even more as it’s handled by TRIGGER, peculiar choice of animation studio.

So here i am after watching the first 4 episodes (the series it’s streaming on Netflix), it’s more than enough to put down some first impressions.

But first, the premise, as the title clues you in but not completely.

In a high fantasy world, adventurers, merchants and all kinds of people are drawn to an unique, everchanging dungeon, and the protagonists party there finally manage to prep up and fight the elusive Red Dragon lurking in the inner depths of the dungeon.

They fumble it, and one of the magician, Falin, sacrifices herself to save the others, getting eaten by the dragon in the process. The party mostly dismantles, but the elf Marcille and the half-ling Chilchack remain alongside the paladin Laios, Falin’s brother, as he wants to head back into the dungeon immediatly and try to save Falin before she’s digested by the dragon.

Problem is, time is of the essence, so Laios improvizes a plan to avoid wasting precious time on gathering money for supplies and foodstuff: they’re gonna eat the monsters they defeat while exploring the dungeon. They are also joined by a peculiar dwarf living in the dungeon, Senshi, whom apparently has already experience in “monster cuisine”..

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