Dino Dicember #7: Carnosaur (1993)

Another famous one, the first Carnosaur movie, another example of good ol’ Corman’s craftmanship , as he throw this one together very fast, even by its own standards, just to have it out in theathers before Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. A tradition of knock-offs (and “mockbusters” before the term itself was coined) that can’t even wait for the movie they’re knocking off to be released, with scripts written on a bar napkin and then pushed into production, as they damn well knew they wouldn’t survive direct competition in theaher, a legacy carried on by The Asylum in the last decade.

With somehow worst results, but let’s stay on topic.

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Dino December #6: The Jurassic Games (2018)

If there are laws in genre cinema, one might be that every kind of movie can be made worse, better, or both by including dinosaurs. Even if it can’t, somewill randomly mix dinosaurs with any other subject, so the “dinosaur singularity” will happen, regardless.

Basketball with dinosaurs. Coming of age stories with or about dinosaurs. The decadence of men and its social constructs, with goofy dinosaurs in office suits and vests. Dinosaurs with other dinosaurs. Dinosaurs with guns, or dinosaurs that are also guns. The sky and the abyss stretch open wide forever, and the dino universe expands.

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Dino December #4: Jurassic Galaxy (2018)

So, either someone really liked Dino Crisis 3, or more likely was “inspired” by the Godzilla animated trilogy, which i feel it’s really underrated and often quite maligned just because the 3D CG looks kinda ass…which it does, but the script by Gen Urobuchi is quite good, so much it makes the trilogy worthy of being seen, i’d say.

While it isn’t the case, i find it hard to not think of it, since the premise still see the main crew of interstellar explorers landing on a planet full of dinosaurs, but it lacks the whole patriotic drive of “conquering back the motherplanet Earth” (this isn’t Earth), or the social tensions forming between the different groups and races on board of the ship. Still, space dinosaurs is still quite the proposition that could do for some good b-movie entertaiment, and isn’t exactly a sub-genre….yet, this isn’t even the only “dinosaur sci-fi in space” flick released in 2018.

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Dino December #3: 100 Million B.C. (2008)

While this isn’t the only “dinosaurs and time travels” exploitative mash up, the premise of Navy SEALs travelling back to the prehistoric times in order to undo another time travel accident (basically implying this what happened as a result of the “Philadelphia Incident”), accidentally unleashing an abnormally large T-rex in modern Los Angeles, it’s at least more interesting and shows a modicum of effort, needed to stand out in the overpopulated dinosaur-xploitation market of cheap raptors and TV movie budgets.

Then again, since is from the director of Swamp Shark, Arachnoquake and Ghost Shark, Griff Furst, credited here as Louis Myman, i guess his favorite pseudonym, since he used a nearly identical one later for Ragin Cajun Gators. Not encouraging that a director “Alan Smithee-s” himself, even more because he’s – more or less – properly credited in his other directing and acting roles.

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Dino Dicember #2: Raptor Ranch / The Dinosaur Experiment (2012)

Because Jurassic Farm was too obvious, or lacked the everpopular combo of assonance and allitteration. Still better than the other alternative title this movie goes under, you don’t get much more generic that “The Dinosaur Experiment”.

Just make it nice and obvious for everyone.

Now i would discuss the plot, but there’s very little in that regard. In Fossile Ridge, a reclusive mad scientist has been secretly experimenting with bird DNA, and managed to make dinosaurs while hiding in a Texan cattle ranch. One of the dinos escapes, starts killing people, which prompts the FBI and the local police to investigate.

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Dino Dicember #1: Age Of Dinosaurs (2013)

♪ It Is The Dawning Of… ♪

Picked up this randomly as the first movie to watch for Dino December, and of course it’s an Asylum production. And i didn’t plan it, that’s just my luck, but it’s also quite fittingly basic, so perfect to start this merry marathon!

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Zoombies 2 (2019) [REVIEW] | Aardvark Undead Attack

Apparently the first one did alright from a financial standpoint, so 3 years later, we got a sequel, also directed by Glenn Miller.

And by sequel The Asylum means adding a number to the title, because despite the first one doing sequel bait at the very last second, this doesn’t follow up on the adventures of Kifo, undead silverback gorilla with a broken heart and rotting flesh, no. Guess trying to give the zombie gorilla a Frankenstein’s monster style “vengeance arc” was too much effort, so they didn’t do that.

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Zoombies (2016) [REVIEW] | A Friend That’s Good With The Dead

Even with a title like this, you wouldn’t expect the movie to basically shit itself in the first scene, which happens to be a fictitious commercial for an endangered species zoo called “Eden Wildlife Zoo”, an advertisment that looks it was made in Windows Movie Maker… in the early 2000’s, by people that barely knew what a computer was.

I can’t stress how childish and amauterish this is, even for The Asylum, who in this case must have allocated 100 bucks for editing and production, combined, given how much animal footage seems just ripped from free libraries or used what one of the employee recorded when it took a family trip to the zoo. It looks like they’re playing a joke, but they’re not, and in the first 2 minutes they already shit down their own pants. But fear not, the CG monkeys you seen in the first 5 minutes are somehow worse, i – almost – can’t believe it. I’ve seen snippets from Primal Park, so i can’t really call it “the worst”, but still, it’s really shitty regardless, almost impressively so.

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Oneechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad X360 [REVIEW] | I Spindle On Your Grave

To celebrate the western release of Oneechanbara Origins coming October 14th, let’s look back at a couple more titles from the series (i have already reviewed the first 2 games, if you’re interested). Due to even more atrocious time costraints, i won’t be reviewing Oneechanbara Z or it’s sequel, not this year.

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Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks

Deep Blue Sea 3 2020.png

Having reviewed Deep Blue Sea 2 in July, i was surprised to see another one pop up into existence a month ago. Thankfully, an UK DVD release also rapidly appeared a week ago, i imported it, so here we are.

While i was kinda disappointed with the second one, it was more due to that movie having to follow after the original Deep Blue Sea, still one of the best shark movies. By now it’s clear this is just another series of shark movies based around the idea of genetically enhanced sharks, with no continuity between them, and a budget far lower than the original, while still pretty high for most shark movie peddlers that play it low as possible as to cynically bottle the “so bad its good” lightning, by now pretty much non-existent as there is no difference between parody and shit. Continua a leggere “Deep Blue Sea 3 (2020) [REVIEW] | Corporate Sharks”