[EXPRESSO] The Naked Gun (2025) | Piss, Taken

On its face, this seems like a stupid idea, and another chapter in the modern trend of reviving any old franchise because desperation.

Even more so since this is a comedy franchise, the kind of films that usually you don’t consider for revivals since the genre is even more specific to its time than most and almost immediatly ages out of relevance (also due to changing sensibilities).

So i was kinda blindsided when i went to see the Naked Gun sequel-reboot… and it works.

It works and it’s actually feels like the Naked Gun, with its recognizable brand of “dirty jokes” (almost deliberately kept retro in that sense too), wordplay, 90s metahumour, slapstick and mostly absurdist delirium of actively trying to be stupid beyond stupid, just updating the farcical non-sense to modern standards…. but not quite, as it blatantly doesn’t care to coddle modern audiences and keeps the spirit of the 90s movies, it relishes it also being “dated” and throwing out references to Buffy’s musical episode, uncaring if the youngins will get it or not.

say “sequel-reboot” because the set up is that Liam Neeson is playing the son of Lielsen’s character, Frankie Debin, as an idiot sauvant old fashioned cop that this time has to dismantle a plan from a tech mogul that wants to use sonic frequencies to make people regress or something…. the plot is just a crutch for the jokes as usual, but the casting (including Pamela Anderson) and the committment make it work, Liam Neeson actually makes perfect sense as Frankie Drebin Jr. given how Lielsen’s carreer transictioned from serious drama to spoof comedies.

Plus it’s also short and sweet, just 80 minutes of unfettered retro comedy delirium that is confident and earnest, and is most likely gonna be enjoyed by newer audiences too.

Shark Warning (2024) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

Due to rescheduling issues i noticed Sharkapalooza was one movie short, so i figured i’d review one of my recent “sight unseen and cheap” DVD pickups, Shark Warning, from last year….

…..and it’s an Asylum joint.

I literally paused my Donkey Kong Bananza game to see this, no that i expected this movie to be good.

The odds were never on my favour, i guess this one of their generic shark films since there was no big budget shark film released that year… was it? I mean, we got Under Paris via Netflix, but this is not a mockbuster of that, and some other shark movies (like No Way Up) but nothing big budget or cinema bound for the Asylum to try make some cents out of its reflected glory.

Doesn’t matter anyway, so what kind of shark movie are we getting?

Continua a leggere

Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge (2023) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

After Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, Mark Polonia was pretty much given the legal status as guardian of the Jurassic Shark franchise, i guess why not?

The second one….actually, the “other second one”, since Raiders Of The Lost Shark would actually be a more proper sequel made by the same director, this is the level of decadence we’re at, with Jurassic Shark having both official and “more official” sub-series.

I think i just puked in my brain a little. Or a lottle.

Back to the topic at hand, Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse was another typical Mark Polonia affair, i remember it had “young Popeye cosplaying as the captain from Tin Tin” (maybe a hint of shit to come, in hindsight), it was about another drilling underwater gig bringing out another megalodon shark, and an assassination subplot, or something?

I barely remember, which i guess is the ideal state of mind to watch these.

Continua a leggere

Land Shark (2017) [REVIEW] | #sharkapalooza

As we learned through years of shark movies, pretty much anything goes, especially as the budgets move closer to zero, even in these cases you can do a poster that’s way better than the movie could ever be, at the very least. Money is important, but lacking it can’t stop you making your movies about shark of any kind or type, as we already saw in Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.

It’s another Mark Polonia film, but it’s one that immediatly, even after hundreds of these no budget sharks film (often made by him or his friends-colleagues), does make one stop and reflect on the fact that – maybe, maybe – this is crossing some unspoken line or etiquette, even amongst this kind of shark film, when you make a rip-off of Sand Sharks.

And also of Super Shark, which had a giant shark somehow moving on land, but that one was actually so craptastic to be memorable, both movies far older than this, so one has to wonder if – maybe – it wasn’t intentional, but i find it hard to believe the Polonia Brothers (of all people) weren’t aware of previous movies like Sand Sharks. To be more correct, i simply don’t.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] M3GAN 2.0 (2025) | Panzer Kunt

2 years after the M3GAN killer robot was destroyed, her creator, Gemma, moved on and kept working in robotics while advocating for more cautious laws about IA, while taking care of her niece Cady, but unknown to them, someone stole M3GAN technology and created another killer robot, AMELIA, which has gone rogue and start killing anyone involved with the project.

M3GAN, whom has been hiding in their home cloud network, springs back to alert Gemma she could be next, and that if they want to have a chance of stopping AMELIA killing her and her niece, they need to graft M3GAN a new robot body, even more as the stakes quickly escalate…

Yeah, it’s not really a horror movie anymore, the gore is still pretty graphic but the tone is completely different, going basically for a ubercharged pastiche that skips a lot of modern narration to go for satirical and autoironical, which still has that 90s sci fi-horror aesthetic, as it’s a bit Robocop, a bit Ghost In The Shell, Matrix, Terminator, heck, you can even feel drafts of Alita Battle Angel, with M3GAN basically needing a new berserker body to fight.

It does manage to develop further the characters from the previous film, especially M3GAN herself, and it all does work since she’s indeed “the bitch”, “the slay queen”, she is incredibly fun to see in action and sells it.

If you expect a more in-depth critique of modern use of IA, or a more conservative sequel that’s actually a horror film, you might detest this one, which is understandable but honestly i do commend the effort to keep it fresh and not just rehash the first film, since it does embrace his deliberate sarcastic detour into action sci-fi, and for what it is, it’s a riot, hugely entertaining.

[EXPRESSO] Ballerina (2025) | Eve Of Destruction

Ah, yes, Ballerina, the long delayed John Wick spin-off… as in the film one, and i guess the only one people cared about, since i’m not even sure many bothered to watch The Continental, the Peacock/Amazon series also a part of the John Wick world-lore-universe, and to my understanding not many that did saw the series liked it. I didn’t bother, honestly even forgot it existed.

Ballerina follows the revenge tale of a young girl, Eva Makarro, whom, after seeing her father being killed by assassins belonging to a sect of sorts, is taken in by the Ruska Roma assassin order, and over a decade is trained into being a perfect assassin (alongside spy and ballerina), especially one meant to act as bodyguards if need be, until she eventually is promoted as a full fledged operative.

One day, after completing a job, Eva is attacked by a man bearing the same scar mark she saw on the sect men that killed her father, so she starts investigating on them, despite being advised not to by every important figure, which puts Eva as a rogue agent that threatens the fragile “peace” between the various assassin orders and the sect, prompting eventually to call upon her the “Baba Yaga”, Joh Wick himself…

Not too original, as expected, but honestly i did enjoy this more than John Wick 4, as it strikes a better balance between the straightforward revenge plot beats, the over the top yet not 100 % detatched from reality style of violent action and the whole comic-book style worldbuilding.

Ballerina definitely understands the appeal and what works of the John Wick formula, manages to expand the lore a bit while also not overusing John Wick itself, even though it takes a bit for the movie to get fully into gear.

[EXPRESSO] The Phoenician Scheme (2025) | Con Nun

I’m a huge fan of Wes Anderson since forever, but i’m starting to understand why one would not like them, aside from his style being overly consistent over time, as he perfected his own aesthetic, style of editing and photography to a tee. To the point that i feel he has gotten too good at it, and now basically sticks to that people expect of him, for better or worse.

Following the retro meta scifi extravaganza of Asteroid City, The Phoenician Scheme, while also set in 1950, is more of a black comedy/crime caper where we follow conman extraordinarie-arms dealer-ubercrook Anatole “Tza Tza” Korda (Benicio Del Toro), surviving yet again another assassination attempt via plane crash, and feeling this time it was a very narrow dodge (to the point he has near death visions), he decides to call his estranged daughter Liesl, a novice nun, and agree to carry on the family business, especially in carrying out the titular scheme, which is a super-risky, very long term and elaborated conjob, which requires getting on board a series of business partners… some of which he tried to swindle before, plus every big business has it in for him since he does his shady schemes and machinations in such a way that just happens to piss off or indirectly negatively impact every big business kahuna representing a nation or coalition.

For my money (as they say in Eagle Country) it’s at least better than Asteroid City, i’d say it’s definitely better than The French Dispatch, which did disappoint me, but if you liked his previous movies, it’s as obvious as correct to say you will enjoy this one too, and viceversa.

Honestly i wish Wes Anderson would do more animated films or try do remakes of Svankmajer films, or something else entirely.

[EXPRESSO] Mission Impossible: Final Reckoning (2025) | MISSION ALL OVER!(?)

Dropping the “Part 2” from the title, Mission Impossible Final Reckoning is still the direction continuation of the previous film, Dead Reckoning (with a recap of that films events further making clear it was planned as a two parter), that had Ethan Hunt and his team having to go rogue in order to escape the grasp of an IA program (dubbed “The Entity”) that accidentally gained sentience and spread itself all over the globe’s networks, bringing the national networks into chaos, fanning the flames of war, etc.

After the agent working for the Entity, Gabriel, manages to retrieve the “counter program”, Hunt and his team are forced into a desperate gambit to try and retrieve the Entity’s source code (still lost in a sunken submarine near Russian waters), retrieve the counter program from Gabriel, and outsmart the Entity, before it hacks every major nations’ nuclear arsenal and sink the globe into full on nuclear holocaust….

Honestly, i’m kinda impressive how the formula still works wonders, keeping that specific concoction of high octane action, death-defying chases, occasional comedy and espionage extravaganza, straddling the lines between realistic and improbable action movie magic.

And of course, the reminder that Tom Cruise biggest superpower is not his defying the Reaper, but his ability to run on film.

It ain’t trying to revolutionize the genre, at all, but the plot does actually manage to resonate perfectly with today’ fears, without desperately trying to be modern, “hip”, and the execution is pretty damn good, making for a fun and sentimental sendoff of the series altogether, there’s actually a real sense of finality to it, as it ties or brings back events and characters from the older films, gives some closure, and honestly would be the perfect place to end it, or have Hunt/Cruise pass the baton.

[EXPRESSO] Thunderbolts* (2025) | Antiheroes’ Day Out

So we doing Suicide Squad now, but with a bucket of Marvel characters no one has ever heard before (Bucky aside)? I guess.

The question is this more like 2017’s Suicide Squad or James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad?

The question turns out it’s kinda incorrect, because it’s close enough but not quite that kind of story, and more surprisingly is the better Marvel movie i’ve seen in a while, which blindsided me entirely.

After her sister, the Black Widow in the Avengers team died, Yelena Belova feels depressed, but turns out her last job is a set-up by her employer, corrupt CIA director Valentina DeFontaine, whom is trying to remove all evidence of her shady illegal operations and experiments, and has decided to do so by setting up a trap for Yelena as well as other shady assassins and mercenaries.

The group of antiheroes (and a strange man in hospital garment that they found there, just called “Bob”) decides instead to collaborate in order to escape the trap laid out for them, and eventually have to team up against their will to save the day from a new menace, cheered on by Red Guardian (“Soviet Captain America” of the Black Widow film) and a concerned Bucky, whom is trying to empeach Valentina DeFontaine…

Nothing new, at all, it’s the usual “ragtag team of underdogs that are antiheroes of sorts and are gonna take this chance to do good for once”, but it’s pretty obvious that this time around there’s some chemistry, some effort, with actors that actually feel like they wanted to be there instead of anywhere else; heck, even the villain doesn’t suffer from most the usual problems of later Marvel films, making for an overall surprisingly decent flick, which is not how i expected “Phase 5” to end.

[EXPRESSO] Drop (2025) | Dream [*] Distance

Christopher Langdon (Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse, Happy Death Day, Happy Death Day 2U, Freaky) is back, this time leaving aside the horror genre for a straight up thriller about a widowed therapist, Violet, whom goes on a date after years of being traumatized from her abusive past relationship, only to receive (via air-drop) threathening messages during the date, starting from annoying her with meme images but eventually ramping up to the mysterious contact showing he can kill her son if she doesn’t comply, and asking her to kill her date, among other things…

It’s a pretty simple (but not too simple) premise, mostly taking place in a highrise fancy restaurant, taking full advantage of the “restricted” location to great effect, as Violet (and the audience alongside her) tries to crack the mystery of whom is actually the killer hiding in plain sight, forced against absurds odds in a life-or-death situation when she’s constantly monitored, to parse through what might or not be red herrings, and to keep up the facade in spite of everything, which also forces Violet to confront her past abuse…

It’s pretty intense, captivating, acting is quite good, there’s actually more to the plot (that i won’t spoil), the characters are quite good (even the secondary ones like the hammy waiter/actor-to-be are funny or cute), it’s exactly as long as it needs to be (where i could easily have seen this being forced to be 2 hours or something like that nowadays), and there’s no absurd twist just for the sake of “outsmarting” the audience….. there is that scene, the one that’s in most trailers (you’ll recognize it when you see it), that’s kinda ridiculous, but its a minor niggle, especially since it helps in making thing even more entertaining in the final act.

Recommended.