Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws (2015) [REVIEW] | The Auckland Haunting

As said as the end of the Ghost Shark review, 2 years after that movie we would get… another movie. Called Ghost Shark 2, for sure, but being unrelated to the 2013 Ghost Shark movie produced by SyFy, because numbers are for idiots with their logic and assumptions of sequels.

We encountered many cases of titles implying the movie are sequels when they’re not, many times, but Ghost Shark 2 is a peculiar case, as it started as a fake trailer (well before the first Ghost Shark was even a thing, odd as it sounds) and eventually became a real movie, like Hobo With A Shotgun, after production of a feature version did start in Auckland back in 2010.

Yeah, this is a New Zealand production, and the movie wants you to know it takes place there, in Auckland, specifically, because why not.

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Sharks In Venice (2008) [REVIEW] | Bambino Sharks In The Canal

I’ve actually already reviewed this one on the old italian blog, but it was years ago, and this is a crapfest worth a complete rewrite: I mean, i kinda have to spotlight a movie called Sharks In Venice during shark month, even though i would have felt the same obligation if i was bulgarian, because of course Sharks In Venice isn’t shot in Venice, but the far cheaper Sofia, Bulgaria.

This one in particular it’s produced by Nu Image, and boy were they pumping out shark movies fromn the late 90s to the 2000s, so it comes at no surprise this is directed and written by Danny Lerner, director of Raging Sharks/Shark Invasion (itself a kind of spin-off of the Shark Attack series), and 2003’s Shark Zone. So we are in… middling hands, at the very best.

I guess he really wanted to make a shark movie with the mafia involved, which brings us back to Jaws once again… the original novel, this time, but still, we are bound to eternally have to notice how all sharks movies in some way spawn from that Spielberg’s 1975 classic. In some way or another.

The plot sees a scuba diver, David Franks go to Venice accompanied by his wife, in order to talk with the local police force and locate the whereabouts of his missing father. While investigating the canal where David’s father may have been seen for the last time, he discovers an underwater cave filled with treasure, and manages to survive the attack of a shark. The mafia gets wind of this and then blackmails David into going to the cave and bring them the rest of the treasure.

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Snow Shark – Ancient Snow Beast (2012) [REVIEW] | Papermaciè Sharks

I wanted to cover this alongside the other 2 ice themed shark movies this last january, but only, after searching high and low (♫ there’s no end to the lenghts ♫ ), i got a hold of the first “snow shark” movie ever, at least as far as i’m aware, one that came out in the early 2010s but precedes the modern strain of sharks mixed with natural phenomena, made robot, giant, ghost, and so on.

Yes, the full title is needed because there’s also Avalanche Sharks, in some territories (like Germany) sold as “Snow Shark/s”, at least on home video.

And for this one, we must once again thread into psychotronic “shot on shitteo”, as in homegrown cinema, shot by a guy that directs, writes and stars into his movies, alongside the cast made of his friends and family (who brought their own costumes and props to the set), clearly shot in his hometown on a very short time-span and on a shoestring budget, like less than 7000 dollars.

And yes, this one is in the same league as Jurassic Shark and Krampus The Christmas Devil, actually this feels like a Polonia Brothers joint… and they’re involved alongside Brett Piper (of Queen Crab “fame”) as editors, but we’re still in that specific strata of “low-to-no budget”.

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Ghost Shark (2013) [REVIEW] | Seabound Phantasm Of The Deep

When there’s no more room in shark movie hell, we’ll get a shark version of Dante’s Inferno, somehow.

Or something. Because these niche sub-subgenre of horror movies eventually would have tried to generate titles by combining “shark” with all of the Pokemon types, and then stich together a movie from just the title, no matter what the word is or how stupid it sounds. Just mash things together.

Despite it being a “niche”, there’s always space for some weird ass, stupid take on the “shark movie”, even when you think it reached total saturation stuff like “Sharks Of The Corn” will show up online. And even in 2013 we already felt like we saw every type of stupid bullshit involving sharks, so you had to really think about and put some effort in a premise that would catch the attention of a public who already saw sharks defy the rules of nature (cue music) and weather.

So this time we got a frigging ghost shark, it is indeed what it says on the tin.

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Raiders Of The Lost Shark (2015) [REVIEW] | Jurassic Shark: Fallen Kingdom

Read the title. Read it again. And yes, that is the original title.

It pretty strongly implies this is a shark-centric Indiana Jones rip-off, and low budget full movie lenght parodies can be atrocious and ungodly, so this already should put you in the defensive. It really should.

But experience did “tell me” that wasn’t the case either, it would have been weirder if i didn’t heard more people talk about the oddity of a shark movie parodying Indiana Jones, and yes, it’s just another fuckin shark flick about a prehistoric giant shark released by the usual oil drilling accident, with the beast rampaging in the waters of a small lake community.

It’s only 70 minutes long (actually, just 60, jesus christ), it’s not directed dy Donald Farmer, how bad can it be?

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Land Shark (2020) [REVIEW] | China Deep Blue Sealab

Not be confused with the Polonia Brothers movie of the same released in 2017.

Or the SNL sketch.

Nope, this time we’re branching out a bit and taking one of the many (more than i expected, anyway) creature features from mainland China that manage to be known westward thanks to dedicated users reviewing them, and the various chinese companies realizing it’s easier to market these outside of China if they just put the movies on their Youtube channel with english subs.

Like this one, originally titled Luxingsha (which translates to “Land Shark”, as you could guess by now) and directed by Cheng Siyu, and at the time of reading available for free on Youtube with optional english, indonesian and vietnamese subs.

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Piranha Sharks AKA Jurassic Piranha (2016) [REVIEW] | Piranha Shark Tank

From the director of Frankenstein Reborn and Transmorphers comes more sharkxploitation, this time NOT from The Asylum, but Bitter End Media Group, a fairly new name, so i guess they decided to play it extra safe and extra stupid by having piranhas genetically crossbred with great white sharks. Why? For the bored New York rich assholes that weren’t content with banal piranha.

Of course the piranha-sized sharks get into the water supply, and your run-of-the-mill group of random people (in this case 3 exterminators and a nutty scientist that knows what damage these “piranha sharks” will – and do – cause) has to save the city before the army nukes it down.

It also happens to take place on Christmas, which could have helped it qualify for Dino Dicember, but sadly the alternate UK title of “Jurassic Piranhas” is a total lie, these aren’t ancient, extinct or a dinosaur of any sorts, they’re just breed in a lab.

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Jaws In Japan AKA Psycho Shark (2009) [REVIEW] | Sharkmills Of Your Mind…

In retrospect, it’s kinda hard to believe that Japan didn’t really contributed much to the avalanche of “sharkxploitation” movies seen in late 2000s and the 2010s, aside from the movie we’re talking about today, since this is the country that the very same year gifted us stuff like Vampire Girl VS Frankenstein Girl, to say nothing of the amazing exploitation masterpiece of Tokyo Gore Police.

You would think japanese genre directors would have jumped on the trend and gifted us plenty of insane shark movies with people cutting off their limbs to replace them with shark heads or something, but nope, the only exploitation japanese shark movie that pops up in related searches is this one, and it becomes clear why now it has just been kinda forgotten and left to obscurity.

Because it is fully deserving of such treatment.

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Blue Demon (2004) [REVIEW] | El Tiburon Pasa

It’s both banal and amazing how many shark movies exist, you’d figure there are plenty, but that’s not the case, there is an entire ocean of them. An ever-expanding ocean.

So much that some are pretty much to accidentally “fall through the cracks”, even if you own dozens upon dozens (almost thousand) of shark movies, and this one of them, found it at flea market. After triple checking i don’t already own this on DVD under a different name or it’s available to stream on Netflix or something, that is.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

But no, Blue Demon is just called Blue Demon pretty much everywhere in the world, and somehow i didn’t even heard about it. Or maybe i did and my brain removed it to store some porn, i dunno.

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90210 Shark Attack (2014) [REVIEW] | That’s where I want to be

I’ve reviewed my fair share of crappy movies, and after a while, one is tempted to just post a screenshot of it and let that serve as a review, even if resolved to resist labelling a piece of media “the worst ever”, because eventually something worse will surface and challenge it for the crown of “king shit”. There’s always something worse, there’s always something better out there.

Though, this is one case where i could have posted the following image and really end the review here, there’s nothing that really excuses or explains this magnificent display.

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