[EXPRESSO] The Dark Nightmare/Nightmare AKA Marerittet (2022) | I Would Like To See The Baby

Jokes about the generic ass title (which is ironically even more generic in his original Norvegian title, Marerittet, “Nightmare”) aside.. actually no, the plot is also pretty generic, concerning a woman that moves into a suspiciously cheap large apartment, only to be tormented in her dreams by an entity, with the secrets behind the apartment and the demon eventually coming out…

Yeah, we’re not starting off exactly with a bang, this sound exactly like the generic template for a horror thriller movie about the supernatural one would use to parody it or use in order to subvert expectations, but its not any of that, it’s a straightforward affair, which in itself is not necessarily a bad thing.

Especially since when, as the plot develops, things get a bit interesting, since it’s an incubus situation through and through, and it also basically goes into The Exorcist 2-The Manitou territory as well, with the involvement of a “dream machine situation” of sorts, so its worth sticking through the fairly bog standard set up and see it through, despite some hiccups and cliches, the acting is decent, the pacing is fine, the characters are surprisingly smarter than warranted, plus i do like the balls of having an actually ambigous ending that serves to intrigue instead of sequel baiting or “bad ending” for the sake of it.

I was gonna say that i’m not too surprised this was “dumped” in theathers here during a national ticket price reductions… but actually i kinda am, this is surprisingly decent, there are some solid special effects, and in spite of its deceivingly generic setup (and it being a bit too reliant on some clichès) there is some ambition.

Nothing great or unfor, but it’s better than most of the stuff Blumhouse puts out in theathers, for example.

[EXPRESSO] The Ritual (2025) | Al Pacino, Exorcist

Oh look, another exorcism movie…. BUT WAIT, this one has Al Pacino as an exorcist (and Dan Stevens as the head priest) in it!

…. i mean, that’s about the best selling point it has, but i want to make clear this isn’t a bad film.

It’s just another one. Sure, it is based on the 1928 exorcism of Emma Schmidt, one of the more documented cases of this kind, but that barely matters, as “based on real events” for exorcism movies feels like saying “the new first openly LBGT-ish Disney character” by now.

No point in discussing the plot, it’s what you expect by now: woman that seems possessed but has been unable to be helped by medical science is carried to a convent, where they call an exorcist in order to save her soul, attempting to do so in a series of rituals. The demon talks in Latin and other languages, pukes, abuses the woman’s body, the head priest aiding “Al Exorcino” has emotional baggage that makes his faith waver, etc etc.

Really nothing that you haven’t seen before, at all.

And while i do struggle to think how exorcism movie could innovate or improve… this one on one hand feels a bit more grounded and it not going for the cheap jumpscares, but on the flipside even the exorcism weird shit is too familiar to make much on an impact, and not extreme to satisfy horror fans that wanna see something more gruesome or weird or outthere.

Again, i feel this horror subgenre has nothing left to say, but i will admit this ain’t bad, i found myself more involved by the end than i would have expected, the acting is better than usual, the cast is too, but it’s too formulaic and forgettable to recommend.

Bladestorm Nightmare PS4 [REVIEW] | The Hundred Years Grind

Ah, yes, Bladestorm, the ginger step-child born of enabling Omega Force to once again make something that isn’t a Warriors game (it’s worth remembering they once did also do fighting games and RPGs, among others), yet isn’t one of Koei historical turn based grand strategy titles like Nobunaga’s Ambition or Uncharted Waters, but more like a real-time Kessen.

This time around we’re taking a break from the Three Kingdoms, Sengoku era Japan or Asian history in general, as we’re going back to the middle ages, yes, but Europe this once, in the 14^th and 15^th centhury, to revisit the events of the Hundred Years War between France and England.

And of course this comes with a big, gynormic “loosely based on” sticker, because it’s a videogame, it’s a videogame based on historic events by the Dynasty Warriors developer, so you already know historical accuracy isn’t gonna be on the table as the main course, or barely at all, because who gotta have historical figures like Gilles Rais and John Talbot interact, and also give them very flamboyant anime style design… why the fuck not?

The plot is told mostly in cutscenes (that develop the various character arcs and of course take a lot of liberties in terms of characterization for the historical figures represented, designs aside), as your player customized character is just another dude in a mercenary band that happens to be involved in the conflict at hand and participate in both “trivial” and important battles of the war, with the option to side with either faction and also save Joanne D’Arc, if you want.

This was true for the original PS3/360/PC release of the game back in 2007, but we’re tackling the expanded port for PS4/X-Box One/Steam, Bladestorm: Nightmare, the PS4 version specifically (as apparently the PC port of this that’s on Steam is shit on a stick, and being an older Koei PC port, yeap, i believe it), which adds some features but mostly a new fantasy campaign that gives this release its new subtitle, Nightmare, which we will tackle later.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Until Dawn (2025) | Happy Bloody New Death Day

An Until Dawn movie adaptation might sound stupid, and pointless… it does, but this isn’t an adaptation of the main storyline of Supermassive Games’ title, it’s actually a standalone story allegedly taking place in the Until Dawn universe,

Kinda funny (and stupid) to have the film adaptation of a game that had systems built in to ensure you lived through the decisions you made… have the central gimmick being a time loop, with the idea being that every time the teens (come to a visitor centre in the valley where Melanie, Clover’s sister, mysteriously disappeared a 1 year prior) are killed they change horror subgenre, chased by cursed zombie like creatures and masked killers, the only escape being in them managing to survive until dawn.

Nifty idea, but still, it only kinda makes sense only when you consider this from the macro level of Supermassive Games’ various efforts in the “cinematic adventure game” fashion, and even so, it’s a stretch, let’s be real, this feels more like a rejected Happy Death Day (or Bloody New Year) style script – directed though by David F. Sandberg of Lights Out and Shazam fame – that got the Until Dawn branding (and a couple of touch ups to make sure something from the game made the cut) slapped on it mid-way through production, to ensure this get more butts in theathers.

I will admit the new gimmick laid on top sounds really fun and kinda mirrors the game’s using various elements from slashers of different eras all together… shame they give up mid-way on their own selling point (boy they do skimp on the “subgenre change” concept), but for what it ultimately is, the “Until Dawn” movie’s got decent acting, it’s entertaining, has some good gore effects, making for a decent time overall.

[EXPRESSO] Sinners (2025) | From Blues Till Dawn

There are movies that are best enjoyed by going in “cold”, by i don’t know if Sinners is one of those, as i can imagine people being confused if they were not aware of From Dusk Until Dawn having been a thing for a couple of decades (alongside some sequels i keep forgetting exist).

Because it is that, but done less as a deliberately disjointed surprise jump in tone, direction and subject matter, as it made to feed into the themes of freedom, black heritage and racial tensions, with the first half being a thriller drama set in 30s America, where a couple of brothers in the crime business, Smoke and Stack, go back to their town in Mississippi, in order to try and make some cash by setting up a juke joint, and they involve their cousin, a budding bluesman dubbed “Preacher Boy”.

The second half is them being stalked and having to survive when vampires surround the juke joint at night, and yes, its indeed doing a “From Dusk Until Dawn”, turning things straight into horror territory, with pretty good effects too and some very nice musical bits, lots of carnage, really good acting as always, especially Michael B. Jordan as both “Smokestack” brothers.

I respect it’s ambition and willing to do some out there shit (like the “future and past” visions of blues music), but the editing at times is frustrating, it kinda keeps going even after what would have been a good time to end the movie… twice, which is partially due to close up some subplots.

At times it’s a bit too much and it’s a miracle it works so well instead of being the utter mess it sounds-could have been like, but it is still well done, bold and stylish, i do recommend it.

[EXPRESSO] Death Of A Unicorn (2025) | Mediocricorns Out

Like i lamented in my review of Opus, this kind of satire about “eating the rich” has just about plateu’d itself into a modern clichè, despite the sentiment itself being more and more relevant, and Death Of A Unicorn just cements this further.

Even if it’s a killer creature feature mashed with The Menu (again, that or Knives Out), and there’s something to the concept, given the unicorn’s folklore.

The premise sees a lawyer bring along his estranged daughter to meet with the wealthy family he works for, but they accidentally hit something with the car.

That being an actual, factual unicorn, which is eventually discovered by the rich family that immediatly seizes it when they realize just their blood can do near miracolous things, and ignore the warnings of the daughter, who briefly but profondedly mind-linked with the unicorn cub…

It’s not that it doesn’t commit to its silly concept of “killer unicorns stalking-killing rich assholes”, it does so to the point its detrimental, mostly taking the idea too seriously while being stupid in a way that’s more exhauting and annoying than fun, the good cast can’t do much when these character are too fuckin stupid, it lacks some needed self-awareness, and it’s nowhere as fun as it sounds.

It also doesn’t take advantage of the absurd premise to make something creative with it, the effects are fairly good but don’t expect anything of inventive in terms of kills, for example, and while it’s under 2 hours, it feels longer, like they stretched a short movie or a comedy skit into feature lenght.

It’s at least a more coherent with itself than Opus, i will say that much, and it’s not awful, it’s just another middling entry in this already overdone, oversatured “eat the rich” style of satirical comedy.

Valentine (2001) [REVIEW] | Class Of 1988

Thought i’ve run out of Valentine’s Day themed slasher to unearth?

Think again, because i feel i’m about to, but i managed to dig up one i’ve never heard before, not even in lists, simply called Valentine, released in 2001, based on the novel of the same name by Tom Savage.

1988, Valentine’s Day dance at a highschool in San Francisco, an outcast called Jeremy Melton asks out four girls for a dance, but he gets rejected. One of the girls friends’, Dorothy, accepts him, but when they make out under the bleachers, they are jumped by some bullies, and Dorothy accuses Jeremy of assaulting her, so they beat the shit out of him.

Jeremy is expelled, sent to reform school, then accused by the girls of sexual assault, and eventually is sent to a sanitarium.

13 years later, the same girls are stalked and killed by someone in a trenchcoat sporting a Cupid mask, all in the days leading up to Valentine’s, making them wonder if Jeremy is back, as the warped Valentine letters each of them receives are signed “JM”….

Continua a leggere

Bloody New Year (1987) [REVIEW] | The Evil Dead Spooktacular Fun Fair Knock-off-O-Rama

I know i was supposed to rewrite/revise or straight up redo old reviews for the rest of January, but since i usually don’t do it due 12 Days Of Dino December filling up the slots, i’ve figured i still would write a brand new review, about one of the few “New Year’s Eve” themed holiday 80s slashers.

No, not that one, we’re doing Bloody New Year.

Yeah, it’s a cop-out since it’s almost February, but whatever, consider it a freebie of sorts, a Spooktacular Eight review but in January, if you prefer.

Regardless, yes, surprisingly this subniche of holiday horror hasn’t been mined.. at all, without doing some research i struggle to come up with any more of “new year’s slashers” that isn’t the other one i alluded to before, New Year’s Evil.

That one is far more memorable and actually features prominently the “new year’s eve” as part of the plot…. this is Bloody New Year.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Bagman (2024) | “I Know You, That’s My Purse!”

While i don’t want to preventively brand any horror movie releasing in January as “filler”…. this is clearly a holdover of last year’s that Lionsgate put out now in theathers, without much fanfare.

Funnily enough, it’s not even that bad of a film.

It’s the typical “boogeyman bingo” story, with a mother/father thas has to confront something dark from his past before it can harm its child, in this case “Bagman”, dubbed as such by the father, Patrick, that encountered it once before, and now seems to be back to stalk his family, especially his son Jake, etc etc.

I was ready to joke about how the parents are so stupid they might as well wear t-shirts with “postnatal abortion supporter” written on it.. but they’re not even that dumb, to be honest, the promise has some potential, it’s technically well put together, but.. it’s also EXACTLY the kind of movie you get from the “The [noun/adjective] Man” joke.

On the positive side it’s not boring, it’s short, the acting is decent, there is some ok atmosphere to it all, i kinda like the villain…but the pacing is all over the place, the plot just kinda scatters about, the jumpscares are limp, the characters just eventually become too conviently stupid even for the genre, and you’ll more likely be startled and annoyed by sudden deafining bullshit, like the one the kid makes with its forsaken flute.

Honestly, it’s about what i expected going on, though there was actually something to work off with here to actually make for a ok or decent film, but it all gets lost in generic horror tropes and cliches.

I will have to go with a “slightly subpar” rating because it’s too generic and doesn’t really add anything worthwhile or novel to the bogeyman formula.

[EXPRESSO] Cobweb (2023) | Content’s Gonna Content

So yeah, why i’m reviewing this now, since it released in 2023?

Because i watched it some days ago, a casual watch on Netflix without any plan beyond that, but i’d figured doing an EXPRESSO review of it would be better than reworking another old review.

So yeah, Cobweb. Peter (not that one) is a shy boy raised by his overprotective parents, and one day hears noises coming from his inside his bedroom walls. Then the noises become a voice distinctly calls out to him…..

Being Samuel Bodin’s directorial debut, it’s not bad, it’s not definitely not boring, i’ll say that much, though it’s definitely one of those horror films where you can easily trace back the many Frankenstein-ed body parts it borrows, pillaging from The Exorcist, the 2000’s J-Horror trend, the parents having dark secrets they hide from the boy, aping Babadook, etc.

It’s utterly derivative to the bone, but to its credit, it does almost manage to mix the archetypes and cliches into something of its own, and while it’s perfectly predictable all the way, the execution is solid, there are some nice ideas, a decent atmosphere that’s very in the vein of the Grimm fairytales, some creepy moments, acting is quite good, so even it feels familiar, it’s quite entertaining enough that you wanna see it through even if you correctly guessed where it’s going in the first 20 minutes.

Sadly all these ideas and inspirations never come fully together, and i would have still given it a “decent” rating if it wasn’t for the ending, which actually crystalizes the issue of “vagueness for vagueness” sake and honestly feel like they stopped 1 scene earlier than planned.

Even so, it’s quite an ok watch, it’s arguably better than most of the latest Blumhouse theatharical releases, for example.