Categoria: Film

3 Headed Shark Attack (2015) [REVIEW] | Triple Trejo

3 Headed Shark Attack 2015

3 years have passed, and with the help of Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray back to direct, the little shark grew another head, because why not, let’s make a series out of this wafer thin premise!

As you might imagine, this is not a sequel, it’s just another shark movie, but this time he has 3 heads instead of 2, we gotta escalate something, and the plot doesn’t revolve around improbable college summer seminar at sea. We have them bikini clad (and clad-less) ladies, young people partying, drinking, and being victims of shark interruptus, but it’s more an incidental, an inevitability of this kind of shlock. Continua a leggere “3 Headed Shark Attack (2015) [REVIEW] | Triple Trejo”

2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] | Double Hit

2 Headed Shark Attack 2012

Title engineering is the heart of shlock, it was so in the 50s and it didn’t really change much, just got worse, in an oversaturated ocean that somehow finds lube for another pile of shark movies, and among the endless waves of those, there certainly was one called 2 Headed Shark Attack… and also called Monster Shark Attack, this movies can’t have just a single title, apparently.

You already know if you’re in by the tone you’re reading the title. Continua a leggere “2 Headed Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] | Double Hit”

Shark Month approacheth

Sweetness And Lightning same song

So yeah, as this month comes to a close and coincidentally i go back to work, i’d like to announce that you will see a lot of shark movie reviews in june, as this quarantine was quite boring, with 15 planned reviews, and maybe some extra ones, if i have the time.

And no, i don’t plan to review JUST shark movies in june, nor i planned to dub it “shark month”, but you get the point!

Mega Python VS Gatoroid (2011) [REVIEW] | Potter, You Fool

Mega Python VS Gatoroid 2011

There is something to be said when even The Asylum decides to NOT bother giving sequels to another random giant monster movie fully undeserving any kind of second chance.

Yeah, this isn’t the starting point of another Mega “insert animal name” series, or a “spiritual sequel” to the 2000’s movie called “Python” (which got an actual sequel two years later), this is a one-off for both the Mega Python and the Gatoroid, the latter being a very tortured pun not on a popular energy drink brand, but on the fact they “roided up” a fuckin alligator. Continua a leggere “Mega Python VS Gatoroid (2011) [REVIEW] | Potter, You Fool”

Piranha 3DD (2012) [REVIEW] | Piranha Ate My Bunghole

Piranha 3DD 2012 poster

Piranha 3D was a good b-movie, directed by well respected and trustworthy horror director Alexandre Aja, who basically remade the omonymous old Jaws ripoff (produced by Corman, because why wouldn’t it be?), with 3D because it would have fit perfectly, is that kind of b-movie, the creature feature with killer fish, bikini ladies, and a party or holiday of some sort as the reason to gather people around, because fish is people too, and ripping off Spielberg never went out of fashion.

So a couple years later we got Piranha 3DD, a sequel… that’s actually a sequel, instead of just another movie about killer piranha slapping a “2” on the title, directed not by Aja, but by John Gullager, best known for the Feast Series, Zombie Night, and yes, it’s Glu Gullager’s (of Return of The Living Dead, The Last Picture Show fame) son.

And he took a surprisingly “smart” approach with this one, because why bother trying? Continua a leggere “Piranha 3DD (2012) [REVIEW] | Piranha Ate My Bunghole”

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula

2 Lava 2 Lantula 2016

Oh yeah, baby, because parodying the Fast N Furios titling stylization is still kewl.

But it fits, given the tongue-in-cheek tone of the first Lavalantula (still think it should have been Lavantula, but whatever), which was a decent, enjoyable B-movie about lava spiders from director Mike Mendez (Big Ass Spider, the “Friday the 31st” segment in Tales Of Halloween), a genuine one that actually sets out to be fun and not just in the “let’s make as bad as possible on purpose” trend. Continua a leggere “2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula”

Lavalantula (2015) [REVIEW] | Can’t Stop The Dante

Lavalantula 2015

Oh yes, because every bad hand of Scrabble has the chance of becoming a SyFy Original, but only few chosen puns can become a Sharknado spin-off, featuring even Ian Ziering as as a “seal of approval” of sorts. And Phantom from Devil May Cry (along with its many sons) needed a new gig anyway. Continua a leggere “Lavalantula (2015) [REVIEW] | Can’t Stop The Dante”

Monster Island (2019) [REVIEW] | Some Monsters Mild Aggression Tantrum

Monster Island 2019.png

Cards on the table: it’s an Asylum production, and is both directed and written by Mark Atkins, who brought us Sand Sharks, Planet Of The Sharks, 6 Headed Shark Attack, and Knight Of The Dead, just to lay off the sharks (poor things).

The UK DVD cover art is actually decent, and promises a mindless monster melee between giant squid, werewolf thingies, reptilian monstrousities and one that seems like an Orga rip-off… I love these covers, i do, but often than not they end up being better than the movies themselves, when we talk mockbuster and D-movies powerhouses as Asylum, and like the bottom feeders they are, this time they released Monster Island to steal the breadcrumbs of Godzilla II: King Of The Monsters, which came out on the 30th of May 2019 in US theathers, and this one on the 1st of June, 2 days later. Continua a leggere “Monster Island (2019) [REVIEW] | Some Monsters Mild Aggression Tantrum”

Cinemas Of The Christmas Future

IMG_4670.PNG

If you live in Italy, there’s a good chance you already know this (so skip ahead), but as of now, cinemas (and theathers) should re-open in december, so yeah, we didn’t see Onwards in theathers last month, as you can guess.

Which is a bummer, to say the least, especially since the last thing i saw in theathers before the shut-down was Cats, yeah, the 2019 movie.

I’m writing this also to say that’s basically the reason i didn’t do any new movie review for the EXPRESSO column. I could, but i have plenty to do for the following months, i resurrected Kaiju-A-Go-Go on Wise Cafe (the italian blog) for this month, and i miss the cinema experience. I really do.

Thankfully i invested in a projector and some stuff, but still.

(image is from Yuru Camp/Laid Back Camp, which i love)