[EXPRESSO] Temple (2017) | The J-Horror Clichès Shitsoup

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(BTW, this ISN’T the horror movie review i alluded to, this is a freebie)

I already did this one in my italian blog, but it’s quite the fun movie….. to review, and nothing else.

Mind you, if you saw the poster, you may expect some level of quality, since it’s “from the writer of You’Re Next and Blair Witch (2016)”, Simon Barrett, but it doesn’t tell you it’s directed by Michael Barrett (maybe a relative?), a cinematographer.

I didn’t knew any of this when i stumbled across it through Netflix “horror” catalogue (never even heard of it before), and – ultimately – it doesn’t matter.

Temple proclaims to be a movie, but i have the feel the director went to Japan to stock up on Gunplas, and while he was here, he decided to throw together a bunch of j-horror cliches and call it a film, not that it actually matters if it takes place in Japan or not (even more since everything else is distinctly american).

The plot: a couple and a childhood friend of the gal (yeah, it’s uncomfortable) go to Japan because she wants to finish her thesis on occult sacred grounds or something, they find out of a temple that the locals avoid like the plague, go there, and they get attacked by something, who the fuck knows for sure.

And i mean it, since the movie, on top of scarcely reaching the 70 minutes mark (and being comatosely boring all the way), filled with “just woke up” performances, being stock beyond belief (even if tried it couldn’t be more trite), for its climax can’t decide between the “there actually were monsters” or the “dude allucinated and did the killings himself” endings, so it does both and none at the same time.

It’s quite impressive how much nothing is in this film.

Just worthless, pointless, even if you wanna watch a bad horror movie.

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A Star Is Born rapid thoughts and upcoming stuff

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I don’t have the time to do even an Expresso review of A Star Is Born, so i’m just gonna say this: i didn’t knew it was a “remake” of an older movie (which i never heard about before), but i was favorably surprised, it’s really, really good. The last act was kinda slow, but still, i encourage you go see it in theathers (or catch it later on VOD, here in Italy premiered 3 days ago), even if you’re not big on this kind of story, because i sure as hell wasn’t.

That said, i have an Expresso review of something more proper for the month, and maybe something special, something extreme…

Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]

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I don’t usually do “Volume 1” reviews of anything, so it’s more of a “first impressions” on the series, as i don’t plan to ever read the second volume.

Author: Tadahiro Miura

Publisher: Seven Seas Entertaiment

Note: the review is based on the italian edition (titled Ghost Inn- La Locanda Di Yuna, lit. “Ghost Inn – Yuna’s Tavern/Inn), published by Planet Manga

Also, the anime adaptation is streaming on Crunchyroll (for US viewers).

Well, i’ve never expected to say “gimme Monster Musume instead”, but here we are. Continua a leggere “Yuuna And The Haunted Hot Springs (manga) VOL. 1 [REVIEW/FIRST IMPRESSIONS]”

[EXPRESSO] Muse (2017) | Dry Paint?

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Samuel Salomon is a literature professor, that has taken a 1 year break from work since the tragic death of his wife. On top of the grief, he has a recurring nightmare of a woman being killed in a strange ritual, and eventually finds out that the woman in his nightmare has been found dead in the same exact circumstances.

He sneaks on the crime scene and there meets Rachel, a woman who also had the same identical nightmare day after day. The two set out to discover the identity of the mysterious victim, and in their research they learn of the Muses, the ancient deities of greek mithology that have been said to inspire artists since the beginning of mankind, and their dark secrets.

By the same director of (most of, anyway) the [REC] series, which doesn’t mean anything to me, since i never saw any movie from that series, or any movie directed by Jaume Balaguerò before this one.

And…. it’s ok. It has Christopher Lloyd, which is a plus (even though this means bugger all, since The Oogieloves could make the same exact claim), the subject is quite interesting (definitely more than Down A Dark Hall, which has more in common with this one than expected), the acting is quite good, the set design is nice, the horror mithology built around the actual myth of the Muses it’s not bad at all.

So, it sound like it could be a good one, but the execution just feels kinda flat, and in the third act the movie drops so many twist and revelations on the viewer that is kinda suffocating, they make sense (mostly), but it doesn’t change the lack of any sense of urgency, danger, or dread for most of the film. Which is a problem.

It’s alright.

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One Piece Unlimited Cruise 2: Awakening Of A Hero WII [REVIEW]

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Copy Purchased
Platform: Nintendo Wii
Developed by: Ganbarion
Players: 1-2 (local)

The first Unlimited Cruise was quite the crap game, but it was a crap licensed game, so sequel…. i’d say, but i simply don’t believe this wasn’t a game split in two separate – AND full priced, too – titles just to maximize profit, as i will explain in this review.

Minor spoilers, i guess. Continua a leggere “One Piece Unlimited Cruise 2: Awakening Of A Hero WII [REVIEW]”

[EXPRESSO] Hereditary (2018) | Creepy Clutters

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Some horrors movies don’t live up to their potential due to the director and/or screenwriter lack of ambition or simple awareness of what they can actually do.

Hereditary isn’t bound by such restraint, as it tries to be a bit The Exorcist, a bit The Wicker Man, a bit Poltergeist, all framed within a story about a family that is hit by misfortunes after the death of Ellen Leich, the grandmother and matriarch of sorts. And it almost succedees in doing that. Almost.

The main problem is that the movie is inconsistent in a way that’s almost clockwork, with tonal shifts all over the place, intense scenes with good atmosfere (and great horror movie lighting) followed by other that become inadvertly comical, since the director often just lets the actor go on, even if it means ruining an otherwise good segment with overacting and unvolontary goofiness.

Then, there’s the fact the script isn’t good, with most of the subplots that ultimately go nowhere (the twist in the first act is just for shock value, ultimately doesn’t add to anything), with rules about the supernatural hastly estabilished, incoherent and lacking, and a with a final act that throws any logic to the dogs, and tries to wow you with visuals that ….are not even that impressive.

It’s frustrating, because the movie works great when it focuses on what it does best, the family drama, the acting is quite good (enough to save otherwise laughable scenes), but it’s such a mess, and wastes opportunities, like using the handmade models about family events (created by the mother).

Even though this clearly ISN’T the case, Hereditary feels like a family drama that wasn’t intended to be a horror movie, and was rewritten to that end.

It’s not terrible or bad, it’s just disappointing. Sighs

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NOTES: for total disclosure, i watched the movie with an italian dub (being Italian and having access to cinemas here, makes sense to me), a week later than the official release date here (25 july 2018).

EXPRESSO reviews coming soon!

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If you like short reviews more, well, i’ll be posting them via my “EXPRESSO” column, you can learn more in the dedicated page, but it’s basically 300 words long review, with a coffee themed vote. We’ll be starting tomorrow (or today, depending where you are right now) with the Expresso review of “Hereditary”, which came out not too long ago in italian cinemas.

Bye!

Q*Bert: Rebooted PS4 [REVIEW] | @*!# indeed

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Copy obtained via Playstation Plus subscription
Platform: PS4 (downloadable title only)
Developed by: Sideline Games, Gonzo Games
Players: 1

Pretty much everyone with interest in videogames knows Qubert, star of his eponymous arcade game in the 80s, a really iconic title from that era, so much that even System Of A Down made a song about him.

I would be surprised if more than 5 of you knew Q*Bert Rebooted existed, and i’m not counting myself, i learnt of this modern remake just because it was a “free” PS Plus game months ago, i wouldn’t have played it otherwise.

And frankly, it’s easy to see why it was trashed by the press and quietly forgotten. Because it really deserves to stay in oblivion and just once in a while get dragged out of the black abyss of reviews’ aggregators by people like myself. Continua a leggere “Q*Bert: Rebooted PS4 [REVIEW] | @*!# indeed”

One Piece: Unlimited Cruise 1: The Treasure Beneath The Waves (WII) [REVIEW]

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Copy Purchased

Platform: Nintendo Wii

Developed by: Ganbarion

Players: 1-2 (local)

If you’re a fan of One Piece in america, my guess is that you aren’t exactly happy with the videogames based on Eichiiro Oda’s series, since most of them either didn’t receive an american release, received one but it was based on the craptastic cut version done by 4Kids, or were released as a digital download only.

Since i live in Europe (italy, to be precise), i didn’t have that problem, due to the series being more popular here, but that doesn’t mean we always received good stuff based on One Piece, despite the Pirate Warriors sub-series being pretty good if you like musou games (and i do).

So time to review both Unlimited Cruise games for the Nintendo Wiii, which ironically had a predecessor of sort (One Piece: Unlimited Adventure, also on the Wii) released in America but not here in Europe for issues with international rights (and legalese stuff like that), and were later ported to the 3DS as separate titles again, even though the japanese version had them bundled together.

Namco Bandai said it was made due to having to fit the various languases, i don’t buy it, since they marketed it as one game and just days before launch news reported of the game being split in two single, full priced games, and  – most important – they felt like a title split in two separate games to begin with.

We’ll start from the first one (makes sense), One Piece Unlimited Cruise Episode 1: The Treasure Beneath The Waves, developed by Ganbarion and released by Namco Bandai in PAL territories in 2009. Continua a leggere “One Piece: Unlimited Cruise 1: The Treasure Beneath The Waves (WII) [REVIEW]”