[EXPRESSO] Clayface (2026) | The Gumby Horror

When i first saw the trailer for Clayface, i was quite intrigued.

This is a surprisingly good idea for a new solo DC movie, sure, the general backstory for Clayface is a perfect fit for a body horror film…even if a few days before viewing the film in theathers, i had the feel like i was gonna walk into another Morbius.

Thankfully that isn’t the case, even if it basically an origin story for Clayface, a Batman villain, here framed as antihero, Matt Hagen, an upcoming new star that encounters the ire of a Gotham mob boss, mangling his face and destroying his career when he was finally hitting it big.

Desperate to restore his face, Matt tries as an experimental nanocells treatment to restore but he overdoses and becomes able to basically shapeshift into anything or anyone, making use of his barely controlled ability to get revenge on anyone who ruined his life…..

The issue is that the movie doesn’t really live to its own good premise, as the plot is a very simple story of revenge with a romantic subplot, not an issue in itself (as isn’t the slow burn pacing), but even in terms of gore, themes and drama, Clayface keeps it a bit too simple and superficial.

I did enjoy the movie, the acting is solid and it has its moments, but it feels strangely “unambititious”, afraid to stray too much either way.

On one hand you might argue that you could only expext so much by trying to work off a B-tier Batman Villain, heck, we had Clayface in the fuckin Suicide Squad Isekai, but considering we got eventually a good film out of that premise, yeah, this is quite decent but also kinda disappointing, the main concept still “crying out” for a better execution.

[EXPRESSO] Primetime (2026) | Pederast Ratings

I’ll be honest, the most i know about To Catch A Predator is just having heard about the program and its controversy back then, and having seen it parodied many times (even on Robot Chicken and fuckin Squidbillies) while never watching the actual show.

Keep this in mind.

Then again, this is sold as more or less fictionalized retelling of how in 2006 journalist Chris Hansen devised a new format, To Catch A Predator, where he both fed into the newfound hunger for “reality tv” by the population, and mounted essentially a sting operation, as he and his team (via hidden cameras, actors and computer experts) lure out sexual predators into a trap scenario, with Chris onfronting the “predator” inside while the police is on the ready outside.

The hypersensationalistic format proves popular enough that NBC moves the program to the “primetime” slot, making it compete in popularity with frigging ABC’s Lost, and so Hansen gets more and more incensed to keep the ball rolling, to try and keep interest in the format and rating alive and well, to continue his moral crusade and escalate it further and further…

Pattinson is playing a hyper narcistic sleazy human monster, in a way not too different from Jake Gyllenhall’s reporter character in Nightcrawler, and the movie focuses also heavily on a young actor that gets hired to play one of the “bait teens”, confronting the many, MANY questionable aspects of the format, etc.

It’s not too original, it’s another tale of how power corrupts, how the media machine feed into the voyeurism of “reality tv”, exploititing sensitive issues for the sake of summary mob justice, though it doesn’t hit too hard in the days of the Epstein list (plus the ending could have been better), but its still good, pretty solid stuff.

[EXPRESSO] Whalefall (2026) | Of Monstro And Men

Figures the best movie i see all week is the one that might sound like an Asylum turducken proposal, since it was marketed heavily on the premise of a guy scuba diving that not only sees a giant squid, but accidentally gets swalloved by a sperm whale that was hunting and already gobbled said squid, and is forced to try survive the inexpected Pinocchio style innerwhale exploration.

Sure you can word it to sound stupid and outrageous, but even without the squid it’s already a terrifying and novel premise for an underwater survival thriller, you really can’t get much more claustrophobic than the insides of a living creature, and the many moments of body horror it brings.

Yeah, there’s not too much to premise itself, that is gist, with the protagonist having just 1 hour of oxygen left to escape, but already the context makes it clear the themes underlining the spectacle of the survival itself, since the scuba diver, Jay, decides to go under in spite of everything else because he hopes to find the body of his estranged father, whom afflicted by cancer, decided to drown himself.

He wants to get closure due to the troubled relantionship he had with him even before the cancer, but in these moments of desperation, Jay recalls the many lessons his very stern father taught him (often teaching him the importance of the ocean and its creature), confronting his repressed feelings and coming to also understand – a bit more – why he was like that.

Not wholly original but its very effective, as the emotional core of the film sustains the intense, gripping and often disgusting survival, the few main characters are pretty well defined (and very well acted by Abrams and Brolin) and i feel is as long as needed.

[EXPRESSO] L’Estranea/The Spiral (2026) | Not My Uzumaki

The latest from italian director Marco Strippoli, after his celebrated La Valle Dei Sorrisi (released worlwide as The Holy Boy), L’Estranea, which translates to The Stranger but is releasing under the international title of The Spiral.

And before you ask, no, it’s got nothing to do with Junji Ito’s Uzumaki/Spiral, this is actually a psychological horror revolving around the fall from grace of a previously wealthy and influent South Italian family.

After years, the mother shows up at her daughter’s house in Rome, trying to explain how all the disgraces the family had to endure where brought about by how, after an accident with the family dog, the mother struck a Faustian deal with a mysterious woman.

But after the first two very, very good chapters, the movie just kinda drops off, instead of exploring further its themes and ideas it just sticks to repeating them, to hold pattern, in a very traditional way that kinda clashes with the ambition of being more akin to a modern psychological horror film.

It’s a shame because the acting is great and direction is so good you almost won’t care…. until the finale, which is both fitting but doesn’t that much going on after all, and while not underwhelming, it franklyit feels like a compromise so we can fish for some Oscars and to be more like an A24 release, to walk an already overtrodden path, despite the intent to also give the movie its own Italian identity being successful.

I will subtract a point because i really respect Strippoli, i do agree it’s one of the new promising authors of Italian horror, so i won’t be handing out pity points to an author that doesn’t need them, since he had already demonstrated he’s capable of even better.

Still worth seeing, absolutely so.

[EXPRESSO] Heart Of The Beast (2026) | The Dog Stars

Managed to see an early screening (it comes out regularly on the 24^th here) of Heart Of The Beast, David Year latest, and i won’t lie, i didn’t go into this expecting much.

After all, this is exact movie the trailers made it seems, and the kind you could really predict beat for beat when you hear the premise: a retired wounded soldier, James Belmont, and his dog, Odin, a scarred mine detection dog with titanium teeth and a prostethic leg, are taking a hunting-camping trip in the forests of Alaska, and just chilling.

They meet J.K. Simmons playing an old gold prospector that also was relaxing in the woods, have a beer, but when the duo sets off the next day, they crash their plane, and will have to survive the wilderness as they try to reach a safe place, working together as always…

It’s exactly what you’d think it would be, but dispenses immediatly with the “did the dog die?” question, which is both preaching to the choir but also being fairly honest, as the movie doesn’t really pretend to be anything else, to its credit.

Yet, i won’t lie, despite being fairly slow, arguably a bit too slow paced, basically a bit of “think of the American military, won’t you?” propaganda, and predictable to a tee (as its emotional beats), it’s done surprisingly decent, thanks to Pitt’s performance (and Odin’s too), the direction sticking to its realistic survival premise with confidence, and unlike Liam Neelson, we don’t get just implication of wolf punch, we actually get to see the duo fight ‘em.

Plus, the final resolution trying to tug at your heartstrings in the expected way… actually is effective, i can’t deny that.

Nothing special or unforgettable, but Heart Of The Beast is a surprisingly decent film.

[EXPRESSO] The Mortuary Assistant (2026) | Flat Possession Rate

Based on an indie horror game of the same name i’ve heard about but haven’t had the pleasure of playing yet, The Mortuary Assistant has a solid concept, with Rebecca, a mortician in training (with a past od drugs and alcoholism) that has graduated to assistant, being called in by her boss, Raymond, to do an unplanned night shift, with weird requests like embalming then cremating a corpse, but soon strange things start happening…

I’ll be honest, i was just expecting a lesser version of Autopsy Of Jane Doe, and i don’t know how much or if this rappresents the eponymous videogame, but i can sure recognize boring garbage when i see it.

It even starts off decently, but then constantly degrades, between boring flashbacks, tiresome hallucination scenes, or the demon tormenting… well, more dick around (often saying frankly laughable shit) to the protagonist, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear even when the plot stops for lore and-or exposition dumps, nor do we know why the entity doesn’t outright kill the downright stupid protagonist you won’t care about, as she keeps falling for the same obvious trap.

there’s no atmosphere, no tension, the acting is mediocre at the very, very best, everything (entities-monsters included) is just plopped there with no grace or gusto, the thin plot grinds to a halt so we can have lore and make it clear this was based on a videogame, stopping to find video tapes or solve a demonic puzzle by matching symbols or something.

It’s being professionally put together and sporting solid effectds doesn’t matter when it’s all so flat, stupid and boring, never actually scary, especially when its topped off with one hell of a non-ending that i’m not even sure was meant to sequelbait, but will just piss you off even more.

[EXPRESSO] The Dog Stars (2026) | The Post-Apoca-Bore

Ridley Scott is not thinking about retirement anytime soon, which is commendable, in a way, but between Spielberg arguablu shitting his Jesus aliens pijamas in public and a film like The Dog Stars, i do wonder if might be for the better to simply call it quits.

Mind you, this is a better film than Disclosure Day, you can quote me on that, it is.

And it’s not even “bad” per sé, there is nothing particularly wrong with anything in The Dog Stars, there’s just not much of anything new, original, unique or otherwise that hadn’t already been done to death with the post-apocalypse survival drama.

In 2035 America, a flu pandemic led to civilization collapse, forcing the few survivors to scavenge for food, items, humanity reverting back to being more tribalistic, feral and murderous.

Hig has “dead wife” syndrome and yet tries to help out the few peaceful pockets of humanity he knows, while fending off intruders on the lot he shares with his old friend-survival partner Bangley, and hoping to find a better place somewhere out there…

Again, nothing wrong, but also nothing that engaging either, and i’m not talking about the action and how is all located in the second half of the film, as it doesn’t change the fact it’s all very uninspired and frankly kinda dull, as the plot offers no surprises or compelling narrative, and is as stock and basic as the characters.

All amounting to 2 hours-ish of mediocre, sleepily paced, derivative film that doesn’t hurt to watch or becomes outright boring, but it’s just middling, constantly reeking of “been there, done that”, the good cast (and the very good photography) can only do so much, and regardless, it just feel fueled by the obligation of doing something more than an actual vision.

[EXPRESSO] The End Of Oak Street (2026) | Amblin’s Dynostopia

When i first saw in theathers the trailer for The End Of Oak Street showcasing dinosaurs i was sold, even more as it is from director-screenwriter-producer David Robert Mitchell (It Follows, Under The Silver Lake).

So someone knew how to market the film, clearly not who decided, a week before release, to release a promo on social media with talking dogs (not even dinosaurs) doing a podcast, made with generative IA to promote the film… to whom i don’t know, because even the less online, average person will see that and just go see something else.

Congrats to somehow managing being clowned on by the marketing team for fuckin Paw Patrol The Dino Movie, when you have to sell people on a 80s themed scifi mystery where Anne Hathaway knives dinosaurs to defend her family.

The End Of Oak Street is indeed about this family living in a 80s suburban community, which one day wakes up to see their entire block now surrounded by prehistoric vegetation and overrun by dinosaurs, as if displaced by some cosmic anomaly, with them now trying to bend together and survive in this new reality….

On one hand, it’s another movie taking place in the 80s, and unsubtly grabbing unto an Amblin-style nostalgia for the era, and you might feel disappointed if you expected it to hold some crazy twist that turned this into more bonkers territory (or a different ending).

On the other hand, it is a FAR better dinosaur movie than all the Jurassic World films combined, there’s a lot of prehistoric creatures being represented, the family drama is actually as solid as the survival itself, you do care about these characters, and it exactly as long as it needs, not bothering to give overly long explanations that will never satisfy anyone anyway.

Snakes On A Train (2006) [REVIEW] | Poco-loco-motion

Since we took the opportunity to review Snakes On A Plane some time ago for the movie 20^th anniversary and the 4K UHD Bluray rerelease by Arrow Video meant to celebrate that, i guess it’s inevitable we cover the mockbuster version the Asylum cooked up the same year, as in, Snakes On A Train.

I mean, why not, i got the UK DVD release for peanuts years ago, might as well.

As with most of their mockbusters, the plot is legally distinct from the movie whose cottails they’re riding on, and just shares the same idea/copies the same gimmick, this time a public transport vehicle being filled with killer snakes, a train in this occasion as it’s cheaper to shoot.

In a way, this should have been a really fuckin easy one.

Continua a leggere

[EXPRESSO] Disclosure Day (2026) | Those Alien Bastards

Steven Spielberg is back again to revisit his favourite subject, aliens, the third kind of encounters one could have, in Disclosure Day.

I would commend Mr. Spielberg for sticking to this particular subject in this day and age, and indeed having the plo tackle how a sudden revelation and proof of alien life existing and being previously covered up by the government would change things in a modern setting where reality barely registers as such, via a security computer expert going rogue once contacted by a mysterious faction, and an unwilling local meteo woman that finds herself capable of unexpected feats…

But then i saw the film.

I’m just miserable, since Disclosure Day is Spielberg as his worse in recent years, and maybe ever.

Despite allegedly being a passion project and providing the subject, Spielberg seems to half-ass it most of the time, not that there’s much to be done with an embarassingly awful script, so bad it’s outright stupid, full of undeveloped characters with no chemistry spouting embarassingly bad dialogues, doing incredibly stupid shit to an absurd degree, plus one it thinks its so profound despite barely touching upon its own themes.

The runtime its incredibly bloated too, and all feel so absurd by taking place in modern day and have us believe that in the internet age uploading some video files to the web is like hacking one of those 80s mainframe computers that were as big as rooms.

Even with Spielberg as his worse, he’s still better than most and occasionally some scenes will actually be kinda good, entertaining and tense, like the car chases and the train scene, and the cast often delivers performances that are way better than this film deserve, and help carrying the thing.

It’s not unwatchable, but it’s so disappointing and frustrating.