Megalodon/Sharkzilla (2002) [REVIEW] | Karcharíasdontas

Megalodon AKA Sharkzilla 2002.png

Time for more confusing re-titling of shark movies, as there’s a tv movie from 2012 actually called Sharkzilla, but the old 2002 Megalodon (yeah, originality isn’t this subgenre forte, as there’s yet another movie called “Megalodon” that was released in 2018) was released on DVD in the UK as Sharkzilla, de facto just putting a lick of paint over a + 10 years old movie to fool people into thinking it’s a crappy new release.

Lovely confusion-based marketing, par for the course for this strain of shark shit, so much than in Germany was sold as “Jurassic Shark 3” (there no Jurassic Shark 2, and i thank the heavens for it)! Then again, i paid it less than 5 bucks, total, so… Continua a leggere “Megalodon/Sharkzilla (2002) [REVIEW] | Karcharíasdontas”

Open Water (2003) [REVIEW] | Fear Of The Shark

Open Water 2003.png

Didn’t plan to review this, but suddendly i saw “this film will be unavailable the 31 of august”. Thanks, Amazon Prime Video, wanna remove first some garbage that probably isn’t even really licensed so much as “uploaded” by random persons? No? Thank you.

So anyway, Open Water, the first one of the not-series, as there are two more, but there’s no story continuity, and the second one often isn’t even titled as a sequel, which is fairly common for these realm of horror thriller about killer animals… or killer anything, to be even more honest, and pretty any distribution company “has” to have it’s own shark series with movies that just add numbers at the end of titles and share the same overall concept or premise.This is Lionsgate’s. Continua a leggere “Open Water (2003) [REVIEW] | Fear Of The Shark”

Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?

Dangerous Waters Shark Attack AKA Spring Break Shark Attack 2005.png — **Yeah, not a clear edit. Good lord, at least have matching fonts.**

This is actually Spring Break Shark Attack, but sold on home video as Dangerous Water Shark Attack, like in the UK DVD version, which also sports a cover trying to imply a more grim tone to the titular shark attack, totally trojan horsing to the shark movie aficionados a movie with such a generic name, making them think this is The Reef.

Really, even Jersey Shore Shark Attack had more to it, even if it was due to mixing together (and unofficially) two different – yet perfectly compatibile – flavours of trash, this is exactly what it says on the tin, and one that must have required very little brainstorming. Shark movie. Spring break. Teens played by “not quite teen” actors. Bikinis. Send tweet. Send script. Print. Beautiful. Continua a leggere “Dangerous Waters: Shark Attack/Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) [REVIEW] Teen Sharks, GO?”

Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils

Mississippi River Sharks 2017.png

I’ve finally found a version with the original english voices (and in hindi, again), so time to review this one as well!

And it’s quite the shark dropping we have, because 1 minute in you’ve already seen the best part, it’s not even from the actual movie, it’s a clip from a fake in-movie shark series called Shark Bite, and this ties into the actual plot of the movie, with sharks attacking river boats in Mississippi and then disrupting a fish rodeo (possibly held by ol’ Jim Slater ) presented by the main lead of the fake Shark Bite movie series.

Continua a leggere “Mississippi River Sharks (2017) [REVIEW] | Senior Rodeo Daredevils”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!”

Jersey Shore Shark Attack 2012.png

Yeah, we got to the point of having reality show licenses for an otherwise random crap shark movie, but if Coronation Street got a videogame, MTV’s Jersey Shore can have a shark movie…. actually no, it’s not endorsed by MTV, for some reason, this is a perfect match in trash heaven, and it’s not like MTV it’s above stuff like this.

But it isn’t, so they couldn’t use the names or the nicknames from the show, but that means nothing to me. Due to cultural osmosis (mostly forced, but whatever) i know it’s like The Big Brother but even more trashy – somehow – and taking place in New Jersey, but all i knew about it was that there’s a girl called “Snooki” in it, and it’s a reality show… that’s it. Doesn’t help that most of the things i know about New Jersey (not much) i learned by watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

So i was fully expecting to see Carl show up, somehow, but it doesn’t happen. Continua a leggere “Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) [REVIEW] |”Get out of my friggin pool!””

Summer Shark Attack/Ozark Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Fireworks Sharks

Ozark Sharks AKA Summer Shark Attack 2016

We’ll do Mississippi Shark Attack later (maybe), first we have to deal with sharks in the Ozarks region, because as we know damn well by now, the lack of oceans or seas won’t stop sharks (especially TV movies’ sharks) from appearing, as Dolph Lungren and Mackenzie Rosman (just to name a couple of random names) are well aware.

Also know as Summer Shark Attack, let’s be as specific as possible, it’s not like 99 % of these movies take place in the summer or in sunny places anyway. Then again, there are winter shark attack movies (more than they should), so the need to specify in what season it takes place is not completely useless. Continua a leggere “Summer Shark Attack/Ozark Sharks (2016) [REVIEW] | Fireworks Sharks”

Deep Blue Sea (1999) [REVIEW] | Shark Brainiacs

Deep Blue Sea 1999

So, yeah, for a change let’s watch a shark movie made in a pre-Sharkenado era, but also after everyone and her grandma was making Jaws rip-offs (like the italian Great White and Cruel Jaws), a shark flick that actually looks like a movie and not a college graduate attempt at a movie during a boring summer holidays, or an attempt to sell your shit movie as ironic “so bad it’s good” material.

Given the kind of shark movie i end up watching and reviewing here, i’m surprised by many things in Deep Blu Sea, as production values, company logo you don’t have to google, a cast with recognizable actors, cinematography that doesn’t remind of Weasels Rip My Flesh, set designs classifiable as such, special effects made with budget and expertise, i’m really feeling spoiled by this one! And a bit sad because of how the bar got embarassingly lower and lower for shark movies in time. Continua a leggere “Deep Blue Sea (1999) [REVIEW] | Shark Brainiacs”

Megalodon (2018) [REVIEW] | Navy VS Russians VS Sharks

Megalodon 2018

Not be confused with 2012 movie called “Megalodon” (re-released as Sharkzilla in some territories), this is the one with Michael Madsen in it, for one of those “10 minutes and then i’m out, but i’m still top billed” casting stunts, because Eric Roberts or Danny Trejo weren’t available this time.

No, this is the one about how a russian submarine (in an attempt to sabotage “those stubborn americans idiots” and their communications) accidentally releases a megalodon shark from the ocean floor (yes, they just grew from trees back in them olden prehistoric days), and is rescued by an american Navy ship, who is then attacked by the shark and has to both find out what them russians were doing in that submarine, and how to fight off the shark. Continua a leggere “Megalodon (2018) [REVIEW] | Navy VS Russians VS Sharks”

Mega Shark VS Kolossus (2014) [REVIEW] Attack On Titan Shark

In 2013, the first season of the Attack On Titan anime was launched, and effectively made the already successful manga series by Hajime Isayama (started in 2009 on Bessatsu Shonen Magazine) a worlwide phenomen, the anime/manga series that gets big and becomes a sensation even outside of the already invested cultural circles and subcultures, like Death Note did before, resulting in anime/nerd/geek cons flooded with dozens of cosplayers in the guise of the young soldiers and their desperate struggle at gigantomachia in a fantasy Western Europe, for some years to come until the next big series that people won’t shut up about for a time.

While this means bugger all for The Asylum, as they really don’t belong in the “animesphere”, they clearly noticed the popularity of Attack On Titan (or SnK, if you really care), and find an oblique way to chomp at the popularity crumbs of both the anime series, AND to double-dip on the far more popular love letter to mecha anime and kaiju movies, Pacific Rim, which they already “mockbustered” a year later with Atlantic Rim. To really make this the perfect matrioska of creative compromises, they decided to realize this marketing manouver in the shape of a new Mega Shark movie. Continua a leggere “Mega Shark VS Kolossus (2014) [REVIEW] Attack On Titan Shark”

Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark (2012) [REVIEW] | Fins Of Steel

Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark 2012

Of course this doesn’t follow from the last movie, not even the post credits scene implying a kaiju encounter next time… but it wasn’t completely off, because now we have the main monster facing against a robot version of itself, made a classic trope by Godzilla Vs Mecha Godzilla decades ago.

Kinda surprised it took until the third movie in the series for this direction, honestly, but i guess third time is the charm, and very welcome given the series quality so far. Continua a leggere “Mega Shark VS Mecha Shark (2012) [REVIEW] | Fins Of Steel”