Spiders 3D (2013) [REVIEW] | Arachnids Of The Third Dimension

B-movie about spiders have tenaciously popped up decade after decade, because arachnophobia it’s quite common, so nothing is more cathartic than seeing spiders of giant size getting blown the fuck up… after eating people, rampaging through cities, etc.

So it’s no wonder than once in a while a new one comes out, this time Spiders 3D, also known as Spiders in home video releases, which might make people confuse it for the older one (already featured here), so the 3D monicker feels kinda necessary, as it was actually shot in that format… which is obviously lost on a regular DVD release.

This one comes from Tibor Takacs, a genre director better known for the cult movie The Gate and episodes of Sabrina The Teenage Witch old tv series (alongside the Sabrina Goes To Rome movie), whom we already spotlighted when we reviewed the TV movie The Black Hole, and fittingly this isn’t even the first time he did a creature feature about spiders with 2007’s TV movie Ice Spiders.

Which i guess i now gotta review as well, don’t see why not.

Don’t see why either, but whatever.

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[EXPRESSO] The Card Counter (2021) | Hold ‘Em Close

Saw this was running as a candidate film in this Year’s Venice Film Festival, produced by Martin Scorsese, and was already in theathers here, so yeah, sounded quite like a good deal.

The short answer is yes, it was good, but also not great, here’s the longer one with context and stuff.

The Card Counter is the story of William Tell, an ex military with a gruesome, abhorrent past that after doing his time in prison, lives as a professional gambler, enjoying a very a regular, routine-led life by using his ability as a so called “card counter” to accumulate a very small fortune, without a definitive goal or dream, just repeating the circle, having learned the rules of that scene (and how to use them in his favour) as he did in prison.

One day his cherished routine is broken up by a mysterious woman that notices his talent and wants him to work with various financeers, and a young man in search of revenge, Kirk, that happens to share a common foe with William, all inevitably leading him to confront his past once again.

The premise is familiar enough but not cliched, the execution is nuanced and intense, the cinematography is amazing, the cast is relatively small but packed with familiar faces that do a great job, the characters are fairly complex and the drama is pretty good.

Aside from some choices in the final act that might be argued about, there’s no big flaw or flaws in The Card Counter, it’s not even overly long or feels slow until a certain point.

It just happens to be good….just that, nothing great, extraordinary, breathtaking, revolutionary or any other similar adjective useful for a single line review quote in a poster. Still, it is pretty good, go see it.

Shrooms (2007) [REVIEW] Trip Like I Do

Ah yes, the “weed slasher” subgenre. Which doesn’t exist… ok it does, but i’m not reviewing the Evil Bong movies. Just. No. Please no.

But cutting out the avalanche of Full Moon crap means there’s very little choice, and i did pick this movie called Shrooms up for 3 bucks on DVD while thrifting years ago, so yeah, it will do fine.

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Spiders 2: Breeding Ground (2001) [REVIEW] | The Ship Of Spideus

There are few things as inevitable as sequels in cinema.

No matter what stratum and levels of production we’re talking about, it’s weirder NOT seeing a movie getting a sequel. Time doesn’t matter either, because nostalgia marketing made a new Space Jam happen, and there’s no degree of separation, cultural or temporal, that will ensure you someone won’t try to make Citizen Kane II, and have it about Charles Foster Kane’ parents murdered by a roving pack of sentient, blood hungry sleds named after floral varieties.

Titanic II (or Holocaust II, not joking) exists, and i guess only does only to make it crystal clear there’s no end to the metaphorical barrel, encased in another barrel.

And so on ad infinitum.

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[EXPRESSO] Malignant (2021) | Downright Malevolent

New horror movie with James Wan actually involved in writing the script? I am SO in.

This time we have the story of Madison, a woman haunted by the visions of horrible murders that aren’t just scarring waking nightmares, but do happen in reality, and she’s just forced to witness them as they take place, by some mysterious force.

Worse, Madison also becomes aware of who is acting them out, as the name or her imaginary friend from childhood, Gabriel, rings again and unlocks her suppressed memories, letting her know he was not imaginary, after all.

Of course, there’s more, and from Wan you would expect a big, excellent twist lying in wait…. and OF COURSE i’m not spoiling it here. I mean, you do expect it, but in a good way, and it doesn’t disappoint. You think you could somehow predict it somewhat… until you don’t, and out loud say “holy shit” as the actual twist unfolds, and things get more grotesque as more is revealed.

What i can say is that it’s not a demon-possession thing, there’s no reincarnation of old evil spirits or any of that, it’s actually – mostly, anyway – a lot more grounded in disgusting reality, with some concessions (like some very foggy scenes or an old castle clearly showing Wan’s love for the classics) that ultimately make the whole angle a lot more entertaining and creepy.

I could say more, make some comparisons, but i fear accidentally giving hints, and this is a movie that you would like to go in as “blind” as you can, even if it’s quite good and doesn’t rely entirely on the twist itself, there’s good acting, some good drama, and a marvelous combo of Wan’s direction and scriptwriting that does not disappoint.

Just go see it. GO!

Spiders (2000) [REVIEW] | Nu Spiders

The late 90s are not anymore. It’s the first year of the new millennium, the Y2K didn’t set off nuclear bombs leading the way for the world of Fist Of The North Star, just produced a lot of scams and made a lot of people work overtime to avoid “the bug” actually affecting things as believed.

Not that it matters, because for movies like this, it’s always the 50s regardless of what decade they are made in, it’s always about giant bugs or insects or arthropods made big thanks to the power of Radiation (©), or aliens, or both.

And since it’s the late 90s-early 2000s, you can take a wild guess this comes from our old friend Nu Image, taking a break from sharks to give the ancestors of Rachnera Arachnera their part as the killer giant animals protagonists of another creature feature. Alien killer giant animals, to be precise.

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[EXPRESSO] Shang-Chi: The Legend Of The Ten Rings (2021) | Wuxia To The West

So, this is Marvel first attempt at doing more asian style action movie, introducing a new protagonist, the titular Shang Chi, forced to face his past as he was raised from infancy to be a perfect assassin by the criminal organization known as the Ten Rings, commanded by The Mandarin (connecting it to the Iron Man movies), and we also have Benedict Wong – as one would expect – is playing… well, the character of the mystic Wong, seen before in Doctor Strange.

YEAH, if it feels quite generic from the premise, and the idea of having Marvel “manufacture” a wuxia fantasy film while also doing a superhero movie and keeping their style of doing it.,…it’s not exactly that alluring, especially with the plot sounding really cliched as hell: the “face the master-father that’s also the boss of a criminal assassin ring so you can be free” thing, etcetera, etcetera

And while it a good step in terms of representation, it also just like the bare minimum by today’ standards.

It’s not a bad movie, but in a way it’s exactly what you would expect from a Marvel movie cramming asian martial arts, wuxia style fights and fantasy-mystical elements usually seen in Chinese (and chinese-related) cinema into their usual superhero mold, and while the action scenes are fun, it’s hard to care much about the story or the characters (aside from the sympathetic villain played very well by Tony Leung, outacting Simu Liu as the main character a lot), they’re mostly ok, but their arcs are brashly executed or not really interesting, given how token pretty much everything is here.

It’s a bit frustrating, as it could have been EASILY so much worse, but also isn’t quite decent, not helped by boring, cliched flashbacks and feeling a bit too long.

[EXPRESSO] Free Guy (2021) | Life Service

So while we wait for the multiple movie projects spawned from that time online users deliberately made Gamestop’s share value drop (IF they happen at all), another thing that felt already dated the moment it was announced it’s finally out, Free Guy.

While it’s surprisingly not that out of touch as i expected (the fake in-game graphics looking like those crappy mobile ads for free-to-play games is a nice touch), i won’t deny it does sound like something that shouldn’t work as anything more than a sketch on Mega64.

So, what’s the plot? Ryan Reynolds lives his routine of bank teller nicely, until he decides to break it (inspired by a new woman player that he falls in love at first sight), gets They Live-style glasses, and learns that he’s just a random, generic NPC in a open world game called “Free City”. Or he was, at least. Guy then decides to become a hero for the city and its fellow virtual inhabitants, and becomes essential to the other protagonists, a couple of indie game developers trying to prove that a big videogame company CEO ripped off their work for his Free City game.

For a movie that takes many elements from other movies, ending like a weird amalgamation of Wreck It Ralph, The Truman Show, and The Lego Movie, it’s nice that is not as cynical conceived and executed as it may sounds, there’s actually some heart to it.. when the movie manages to focus and stop itself from doing weird “references-corporate pop culture flexes”, pandering to stereotypes, or trying to reach for super-safe narrative and emotional appeal.

It’s a decent movie, bit of a mixed bag, one that includes a slightly miscast Ryan Reynolds doing a Jim Carrey style character and a really overacting Taika Waititi.

Not bad.

[EXPRESSO] 32 Malasana Street (2020) | The Madrid Haunting

A Spanish-French coproduction, going by the international title of 32 Malasana Street, which is nearly identical to the original spanish title.

So of course it arrives in italian theathers titled “Possession – L’Appartamento Del Diavolo” (which translates to “Possession: The Devil’s Apartment”). Of course.

Originally i was planning to see it last Halloween, but i didn’t manage to because another lockdown hit cinemas here the day after this came out, and turns out it has been delayed to now. I was gonna see it due to “starvation”, since i don’t really care about the “possession-demons” subgenre, it’s definitely not my favourite type of horror movie, but i’ll give it a fair shake regardless.

The story has a nice backdrop, as in it’s set in 1976’s Madrid, just after the fall of Franco’s regime, and follows the Olmedo family moving to the capital in search of a better life. They get lucky and somehow find an apartment in the city center for a bargain. Things start getting better, but strange, unexplicable events keep happening in the house, until the youngest child, Rafael, just disappears.

Ah, yes, the old horror movie tradition of estate listings being too good to be true.

I’ll be honest, 32 Malasana Street isn’t original in any way, it uses a lot of familiar clichès (especially for “possession/haunting”flicks), and i mean a lot, the premise is as stock as it comes, but there’s some gusto and a lot of confidence to the execution that it helps the movie in rising above being the usual rubbish.

It definitely helps that the entity is quite aggressive from the get go, things happen at a good pace, the character are quite decent, quite relatable, the audio design is pretty good and there’s an expectedly “sensitive” good twist to boot.

Surprisingly decent.

[EXPRESSO] The Deep House (2021) | The House In The Lake

This time we tackle a french horror version of Wet-Dry World from Super Mario 64.

Or that Everblue/Endless Ocean horror version i joked about during Shark Month.

Withouts sharks.

Not that it matters much this being a french production, as the two main characters,an american couple filming “haunted places” in search of Youtube fame and fortune, are played by american actors. The couple goes to a very small little French town in hope to cover the artificial lake, but instead got wind of a perfectly intact house resting in a remote part of the lake, and decide to dive and film their underwater adventure.

I like the scenario, big fan of scuba diving and submerged mysteries as a whole, the premise is decent and takes from european folklore (there are many stories about submerged little villages), but The Deep House leans a bit too much into said premise, never bothering to properly execute it and just stuffing it with cliches.

And has a “cowardly” script that quotes half the famous “it’s not dead which can eternal lie” couplet from Call Of Chthulu, but doesn’t really go there, despite having the perfect setup and excuse to do so.

Also, its one of those horror movies shot mostly in found footage style… just to make some of the things happening harder to see. No real reason otherwise.

It’s not awful, it has some good cinematography, but it’s a horror movie with decent atmosphere (and even that it’s kinda low effort, as it’s baked in the scenario) and almost no tension or scares (aside a single effective jumpscare), more worried about looking good that having any real bite, doesn’t help that the main couple isn’t exactly that likeable (especially the guy), interesting or otherwise well characterized.

Overall, it’s sadly a pretty mediocre experience.