The PS5 Reveal Obligary “Hot” Take

PS5 duralodon

So, after an earlier conference focused on specs and details that for many people don’t mean much of substance (one that was actually labeled as such, but people had to be outraged regardless, despite being their fault for not reading what it was about), and a week of delay made to be respectful of recent events in America (and the obscene crimes against humanity perpetrated by the police, because this is basically United States Of Nord Korea), this 11th of June Sony did their “Nintendo Direct” equivalent to unveil the new upcoming main console in the Playstation line, the PS5, share some more juicy details, and most important, show some games for it. Continua a leggere “The PS5 Reveal Obligary “Hot” Take”

Mega Shark VS Crocosaurus (2010) [REVIEW] | Now With Extra Bacon

Mega Shark VS Crocosaurus 2010

Mega Shark is back, because the first one was boring as shit, but it was cheap enough and turned out to be profitable, so here, have another one, this time pitting the MEGA Shark agains the dreaded Crocosaurus, which isn’t MEGA, and sounds more like an extra crispy fast food specialty item, or a ice sammich.

And when i say Mega Shark is “back”, i guess it is, it’s a shark, it’s way bigger than it should be, it can do impossible jumps, and i guess we can believe it’s the same one from Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, there is a japanese poster for that movie to be seen, and there’s a photo of Debbie Gibson, who was in that movie. So yeah, it’s totally a sequel, despite the completely different cast and plot that doesn’t follow from the end of the previous movie… but since Jaleel White feels like it’s the same one from before, i’m inclined to trust him. Wouldn’t you? Continua a leggere “Mega Shark VS Crocosaurus (2010) [REVIEW] | Now With Extra Bacon”

Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus (2009) [REVIEW] Romancing The Shark

Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus 2009

It’s 2019, Sharkenado won’t be a thing for 4 more years, but of course The Asylum existed before that series became the face of the mockbuster titan, and made other monster flicks with “Mega” in the name, like Mega Piranha or Mega Python Vs Gatoroid (there’s no Mega Python, not by The Asylum anyway), both never culminating in their own series. Some very small mercies, but i’ll take them.

One of the “MEGA” non-brand movies to prove more successful was Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus, because sharks are more popular, at the end of the day. Continua a leggere “Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus (2009) [REVIEW] Romancing The Shark”

6 Headed Shark Attack (2018) [REVIEW] | Math Sharks

6 Headed Shark Attack 2018

Welcome to the confusingly titled (at this point i think on purpose) 4th entry in the “n-Headed Shark Attack” series. By this time even the Leprechaun series went to space (and to Las Vegas), but nope, this entry makes the multi-headed shark crash a couples rehab camp. No, not in an Octodad style, with the shark in a suit preteding to be human. I would have liked the effort, if anything.

Instead here the shark just has 6 heads, and it goes after a group of people attending one of those “phones away, and far from civilization” camps, to mend relationships, done in a co-op survival challenge way, in this case in Isla Corazon. I’d wish people that make synopsis of these movies on IMDB actually watched these movies, but whatever. Continua a leggere “6 Headed Shark Attack (2018) [REVIEW] | Math Sharks”

[EXPRESSO] Helltaker STEAM | Best Grills

Helltaker STEAM

So, there’s this new game on Steam, describing itself as “a short game about sharply dressed demon girls”, with promise of anime harem (but again it points out “Suggestive clothing and poses. Don’t put your hopes too high though – it’s all tame.”), and it’s free. You can already see why it’s become somewhat of a sensation in the community. Which leads us to this question: are the demon girls cute? (YES)

As far as gameplay goes, it’s not what you might think given this premise, a puzzle game where you (as a sharply dressed and shades wearing badass) kick blocks, skeletons, get keys, avoid traps and proceed through Hell in a turn based fashion, with a turn limit to reach the end of the each level, where you meet a different demon girl in a visual novel-esque segment where you choose from a couple of replies and hope you charmed and/or convinced the hell cutie to join the harem. Otherwise they’ll stab you to death or give you a bad end of some kind.

Fairly good puzzles overall, but the game lets you skip them if you just want to get to the demon girls, with great character designs and very good music.

My main gripe isn’t the short lenght (you can finish it in 1, max 2 hours), is that the multi-stage boss fight at the end requires really fast reflexes and to keep moving around really fast… in a game that’s 90% turn based puzzle game without timers or urgency. It comes out of nowhere and feels more frustrating than it should, since the game doesn’t prepare you for that in any way. It’s like if at the end of a Dynasty Warriors battle you were forced to play a long RTS style map.

Still, quite good and quite the treat!

expresso-icona

Shark Month approacheth

Sweetness And Lightning same song

So yeah, as this month comes to a close and coincidentally i go back to work, i’d like to announce that you will see a lot of shark movie reviews in june, as this quarantine was quite boring, with 15 planned reviews, and maybe some extra ones, if i have the time.

And no, i don’t plan to review JUST shark movies in june, nor i planned to dub it “shark month”, but you get the point!

Mega Python VS Gatoroid (2011) [REVIEW] | Potter, You Fool

Mega Python VS Gatoroid 2011

There is something to be said when even The Asylum decides to NOT bother giving sequels to another random giant monster movie fully undeserving any kind of second chance.

Yeah, this isn’t the starting point of another Mega “insert animal name” series, or a “spiritual sequel” to the 2000’s movie called “Python” (which got an actual sequel two years later), this is a one-off for both the Mega Python and the Gatoroid, the latter being a very tortured pun not on a popular energy drink brand, but on the fact they “roided up” a fuckin alligator. Continua a leggere “Mega Python VS Gatoroid (2011) [REVIEW] | Potter, You Fool”

Piranha 3DD (2012) [REVIEW] | Piranha Ate My Bunghole

Piranha 3DD 2012 poster

Piranha 3D was a good b-movie, directed by well respected and trustworthy horror director Alexandre Aja, who basically remade the omonymous old Jaws ripoff (produced by Corman, because why wouldn’t it be?), with 3D because it would have fit perfectly, is that kind of b-movie, the creature feature with killer fish, bikini ladies, and a party or holiday of some sort as the reason to gather people around, because fish is people too, and ripping off Spielberg never went out of fashion.

So a couple years later we got Piranha 3DD, a sequel… that’s actually a sequel, instead of just another movie about killer piranha slapping a “2” on the title, directed not by Aja, but by John Gullager, best known for the Feast Series, Zombie Night, and yes, it’s Glu Gullager’s (of Return of The Living Dead, The Last Picture Show fame) son.

And he took a surprisingly “smart” approach with this one, because why bother trying? Continua a leggere “Piranha 3DD (2012) [REVIEW] | Piranha Ate My Bunghole”

2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula

2 Lava 2 Lantula 2016

Oh yeah, baby, because parodying the Fast N Furios titling stylization is still kewl.

But it fits, given the tongue-in-cheek tone of the first Lavalantula (still think it should have been Lavantula, but whatever), which was a decent, enjoyable B-movie about lava spiders from director Mike Mendez (Big Ass Spider, the “Friday the 31st” segment in Tales Of Halloween), a genuine one that actually sets out to be fun and not just in the “let’s make as bad as possible on purpose” trend. Continua a leggere “2 Lava 2 Lantula (2016) [REVIEW] | Superfastula”

Lavalantula (2015) [REVIEW] | Can’t Stop The Dante

Lavalantula 2015

Oh yes, because every bad hand of Scrabble has the chance of becoming a SyFy Original, but only few chosen puns can become a Sharknado spin-off, featuring even Ian Ziering as as a “seal of approval” of sorts. And Phantom from Devil May Cry (along with its many sons) needed a new gig anyway. Continua a leggere “Lavalantula (2015) [REVIEW] | Can’t Stop The Dante”