[EXPRESSO] Indiana Jones and The Dial Of Destiny (2023) | Show Me Your Math

Ah, yes, the final, final adventure of old film legend Indiana Jones. For real this time.

We all know nothing will stop the studios potentially doing the “Peter Cushing digital necromancy” when Harrison Ford eventually will leave this mortal coil, but, as for John Wick 4, i’m reviewing this under the assumption is gonna remain true, even more since director James Mangold (Logan) makes it manifest this is the final bout of adventure for a man that’s really too old for this shit.

Enough that Jones witnesses his history students far more excited since the moon landing just happened, but the very same day he’s approached by the daughter of an old friend, Helena, then attacked by a group of nazis that are also interested in one half of the Antikytera, a misterious artifact built by Archimedes that supposedly would grant control over time itself, and a lot of the usual Indiana Jones adventures happen with the group scurring all over the globe.

It’s definitely an Indiana Jones movie through and through, the new characters are quite likeable, the nazis are always the perfect villain for a movie like this, there’s some logic to the meta-textual swinging back to the past that fuels what is another nostalgic cinematic operation, and the director manages to capture the essence of the old movies fairly well, though the script ultimately lacks that “oomph” that would put it above a decent but expected rethread of familiar material.

And one wonders why the hell an Indiana Jones movie should be 2 hours and ½, that alone almost had me rate lower this one, but Harrison Ford alone still makes it worth it, and for a movie that’s intended as a send-off for the character, it’s a better one than Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

[EXPRESSO] After Work (2023) | Automatonic Chomsky Honk

A documentary by Svedish director Erik Gandini (Videocracy) about a potential future where work is even further delegated to machines and automated in some fashion, while discussing the philosophical ramifications of a labor-less society and analizing the various realities around the world, from the Sud Corean culture of overwork as a badge of honor, to the unique case of Kuwait where people are handsomely paid to basically play pretend office work, passing by the testimony of an Amazon delivery driver employee, among others.

Relevant questions are asked, with various figures ranging from foreign ministries to philosophers like Noam Chomsky himself, average people with rents to pay and wealthy heirs alike, and as expect not many answers are given, since the topic at hand encompasses a lot of different realities and views on the subject of labor, how or if providing basic income for everyone without a job is the solution it seem, this documentary never wanted (or wanted to pretend) it could deliver definitive, simplistic solutions to complex problems of our age.

Problem is that despite its intentions and it being a very recent release, at the end it feels kinda slapdash, myopic and kinda outdated, as way too much of this 80 minutes documentary over feature takes from people that are willing to say “Hitler was efficient, can’t deny that away” on camera, rich or privileged in some manner, never properly looks into topic as the NEET percentage in Italy and Greece, ignoring the internet angle all together (so don’t expect mentions of stuff like IA “art”, despite chaggering of how this work-less future would give more time for exploring creative pastimes, etc), sometimes going for gross political indifference, or repeating some vague fears that one could have aired verbatim if this was made 10 years ago.

Bit duff.

[EXPRESSO] Knights Of The Zodiac (2023) | Saint Seiya Evolution

It feels like its the late 2000s again with a production like this, as if Dragon Ball Evolution never released, or it did but nobody learn shit from it, just by gazing upon this brand new live action adaptation of the popular manga/anime series Knights Of The Zodiac, better known as Saint Seiya.

IF you knew this was coming at all, in the US the series never really “took off”, and even in countries like Italy where it still has a lot of nostalgic value for older generations, it has been barely marketed at all and released as 3 days special event thingie, kinda telling.

Honestly, i was never much into Saint Seiya, but just from the trailer i recognized the whiff of another Dragon Ball Evolution. Though this one is SLIGHTLY better.

Just because the effects and visuals are a bit better, and the fights could be worse.

But it’s still a terrible, lousy adaptation that’s so 2000s and it’s a total crapfest anyway, as it checks ALL the negative boxes.

Wildly miscast actors that either half-ass it or are just pure pine, a script trying to squeeze a saga worth of info into a 2 hours runtime, a narration with no focus continuously jumping from scene to scene without context, that is when the stereotypes (there are no actual characters in this movie) aren’t vomiting torrents of exposition.

Even worse, it’s also a BORING mess, and it’s that kind of adaptation that it invents his own plot, one that has barely anything to do with the series’ premise, and – for good measure – it’s stupid, boring, threadbare and utterly tiresome on its own, managing not only to disappoint long time fans, but also alienate general audiences.

Not that it stops this movie sequel baiting into the void.

Future Shock: No Sleep From September (and Summer Plans) (UPDATED)

So, let’s not wait around more to lay out what’s coming in July and August for Wise Cafe International, and what will change from this September onwards.

July will have another round of killer croc AND killer sharks films, Sharks N Crocs Part Deux, alongside some timely videogame reviews to tie in with upcoming releases (aka – pardon me for the disgusting thing i’m about to say – trying to milk some “SEO juice” since this time i could plan ahead something reasonable).

August won’t have a One Piece retrospective per sè, but will have some One Piece videogames’ reviews, plus a newly written full lenght review of Film Red, and hopefully some fittingly summer themed posts about stuff that maritime or whatever.

From September instead – after thinking about it for months – i’ll have to slow down the posting significantly, so instead of a review or piece every 2 days, i opted for a weekly basis, since i will be taking a master’s degree this year, so yep, even less time on my hands since i will be hitting the books, attend and most likely still continue the dayjob.

So instead of shutting it down or opting for a “whenever i can” posting schedule, i feel this it’s a reasonable compromise, even more since i guarantee a review every 7 days, meaning there could be more if i can squeeze in some EXPRESSO reviews or something on the quick, i will try.

Meaning EXPRESSO won’t be retired, it never has been and that won’t change.

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Pinocchi-O-Rama #6: √964 Pinocchio (1991)

Have i gone completely insane, spotlighting this one for a Pinocchio-inspired retrospective?

But then again we never talk about some good ol’ japanese cyberpunk body horror… and i guess today is no different because we’re talking about 964 Pinocchio.

Also called “Screams Of Blasphemy” for its UK release. Whatever.

And no, i still have no clue if the numbers in the title mean anything aside indicating that there were other 963 “pinocchio/sex slaves” manifactured before him, since he’s got that tattooed on his back, branded like an utility.

Honestly i wasn’t sure about including this one, but for variety’s sake, fuck it, i’m not reviewing Pinocchio In Space. Despite the obvious allure.

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Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent (1988) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

One of the more infamous piece of copy n paste cinema from the IFD Film & Arts factory of Godfrey Ho and associates, one that happens NOT to be a ninja movie with their pink ninja pajamas and 30 seconds superfights against caucasian ninja masters, but the other kind of exploitation the company specialized in, the “actionxploitation” flick with super american stereotypes fighting against criminals of some ilk, all played by the same 6 non-asian guys Ho and Lai employed.

And we’re lucky because we got Pierre Kirby in this one, playing agent Ted Fast, who only works alone because he’s so good and not utterly stupid, opposing the crime boss Solomon, after a secret formula that can make animals and plants grow to gigantic proportions, like 3000 times their original size.

But sadly Solomon will have to crime very hard for it, since the formula is actually from the “host movie” spliced in by Godfrey Ho (here directing), a 1984 Taiwanese kaiju movie titled “She Wang” (translating to “King Of Snakes”) about a pet snake, Mosla, belonging to a little girl that accidentally comes in contact with the formula, grows giant, and then stars rampaging because the terrorists after the formula kidnap the girl, and Mosla is having none of it.

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[EXPRESSO] Elemental (2023) | Avatar reference here

I’ll be honest: since the teaser trailer i had very low expectations for Elemental, and frankly the marketing didn’t make it any better, as it either led you to believe that this is Zootropolis again, but with the themes of racial prejudice and coexistence made even more ouvert by just making the elements people. And it’s also a simplistic. gimmicky variation on Romeo and Juliet.

And while there is some truth to those assumptions…. to be honest, this is far from the worse or insipid we’ve seen from Pixar lately.

For example, it’s mostly a story about first generation immigrants (Korean immigrants, as it’s a personal story for the director himself), a couple of “fire people” moving to Element City, and her daughter, Ember, divided between inheriting the store of her parents, who worked themselves to the bone, and following her passion and potential career, with the disruptive force igniting all this being a water guy, Dave, a safety inspector whom accidentally enters the shop, finds and reports the many safety violations, but then wants to help Ember avoid the city shutting down the store, and eventually they fall in love as they get to know each other.

It’s fun, quite pleasing, the romance it’s not original but it’s cute enough, Elemental it’s a decent film overall, but it’s also indicative of the troubled state of Pixar, as they exhaust their formula to the point the criticisms stopped being hyperboles and became truths, the whole concept is overly simple to the point it hurts its own worldbuilding and almost completely undermines its own themes, the premise is Zootropolis but the racism allegory makes even less sense in context, and while the character are fun and the animation is impressive as expected… we have seen this done better countless times before.

Sssssss! AKA Kobra (1973) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

Often retitled as Kobra because of its deliciously stupid – and super campy – original title of Ssssss!, this is one of the many killer animals/nature gets revengeance of the early 70s… or is it?

Remember, despite it predating Jaws, killer animal movies did exist, i mean, look at the often brought up Frogs, released a year before, so it would be fairly logical to assume Ssssss is just another one of these that just happened to release before Spielberg’s shark opus made it trendy, profitable and popular, doing it before “it became cool to”.

And yet, Ssssss is not really that, but more of a 50s movie done in the 70s, and is about a college student, David, working as lab assistant to a mad doctor that is working on a serum that can turn people into snakes. David also begins to fall in love with the scientist’s daughter, but the good doctor plans to test the serum on the boy, stupid enough to work for someone that unironically, legitimately is called Dr. Stoner.

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[EXPRESSO] Denti Da Squalo (2023) | Pool Shark Summer

Time for a review of an italian movie that most likely won’t ever come out internationally (but who knows), for the sake of variety.

Denti Da Squalo (translated literally as “Shark Teeth/Teeth Of A Shark”) is about a 13 yo boy, Walter, that recently lost his father, a former crime boss, and while wandering about finds an apparently abandoned villa with a shark living in a salt-water pool, and Walter makes of the villa his secret getaway place. Only to find another, older boy, Carlo, is squatting there, but Walter keeps coming back, entranced by the literal pool shark, and ends up befriending Carlo…

It’s definitely a very nice surprise of a movie, as not only it avoids pulling the “metaphorical animal we can’t show on screen” bit, the shark it’s seen very early and very often in the movie, and honestly the effects are top notch, obviously it’s not a real shark but it looks and feels real, as it needed to be since it’s both a plot device and symbolic incarnation of the criminal life.

Also, despite having the elements and touching upon the relative themes, it’s not a story of criminal formation, but of emotional formation and reckoning with the loss of the father figure (here played by beloved italian actor Claudio Santamaria), seen as an imperfect, human example that does not glorify nor 100% wilify criminal life, and not as the only real figure to aspire to, not the inevitable set of footsteps for Walter to follow.

For a feature debut, Davide Gentile manages to create a solid and emotionally meaningful modern take on the themes of criminal life, grief, legacy and family, following indeed all the familiar steps of the coming of age story, but the execution and performances make it worth checking out.

King Of Snake (2020) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

Not be confused with “King Of Snakes”, an old Taiwanese kaiju film mostly known for being edited into one of many’s Godfrey Ho cut-n-paste jobs, Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent, which opted to insert new actionxploitation footage with western actors into that 1984’s monster film, instead of having them doing the usual “colored pijamas ninjas” shit.

We’re gonna cover that one later this month for #snakesofjunetoo, fear not, i’m always up for reviewing some IFD Films joints, but today we’re looking at something far more recent, a 2020 chinese disaster-monster movie set during the Republic Of China period, when railways were being costructed and the following ecological destruction caused by it (especially deforestation) being the reason for lots of poisonous snakes to assault a train, killing and injuring many.

To cure the survivors of the snake venom and the many that also were attacked in his own home village of Yong’an, the local snake catcher Mu Sheng has to form a small party to venture in search of the “snake flower” cure…

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