12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 28: Kingdom Of The Dinosaurs/ Dinosaur Valley (2022)

More relatively fresh dinosaur meat, because the grind never stops even for these.

And nope, this is not another Jurassic World : Dominion mockbuster…. kinda, it’s pretty much that, as it comes from prolific and fairly fresh GB-based low budget C-D grade movies supplier Jagged Edge Productions, better known for the recent Winnie The Pooh slasher film (and its sequels), many “Curse Of” movies about some random public domain-fairytale character turned slasher villain, Bunnyman rip-offs (i’m not joking), but also behind a lot of pretty obvious mockbusters, including releasing something called something called Freddy’s Fridays the very same year of the Blumhouse FNAF movie being out in theathers, so yeah, shame was never an option.

Among these and others, they also pump out dinosaur movies, like the previously featured Dinosaur Hotel, which in the meantime got a sequel and a third entry on the way. So yeah, this company is clearly set on being the new Asylum, or Full Moon Pictures, for better or worse.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 27: Planet Raptor (2007)

Raptors: the second fiddle of the dinosaur orchestra.

(The third being the pterodactyls, btw)

Nothing beat the word “raptor” as a way to get your attention when scrolling through the channels in a boring saturday afternoon, or while searching trashy TV movies that just couldn’t come up with a weird or catchy title able to shoehorn a pun with “t-rex” or “dinosaur”, so “raptor [noun]” it is.

This also happens to be the “sequel” to another SyFy Channel mandated dino flick, Raptor Island, which we covered last year, so it’s no wonder it has alternative titles like Raptor Island 2: Planet Raptor, and shit like that, but it’s also unsurprising how sketchy are its claims of being a sequel to that other movie. It’s just part of the package to lie in this regard for this TV dino movies.

And it’s also “a sequel but not really” in the same way these usually are, with one or two actors from that previous one and it being shot in the same – kind of cheaper foreign country (this time the woods of Bulgaria take a rest so the Romanian ones can “swap in”), that’s all in terms of thing carried over, as the director is different (this time at the helm we have Gary Jones, of Mosquito, Spiders and some episodes of Xena: Warrior Princess fame) and the plots don’t really connect.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 26 : Jurassic Domination (2022)

In a way, there’s little i can complain about a movie like Jurassic Domination, because i pretty much known what i’m going to get from a modern Asylum mockbuster of a dinosaur film, even down to them not really marketing them anymore so even trash buffs and cinema shit seekers like me end up finding out about them years after they came out, undermining the point of a timely release dor the mockbuster to leech off a big budget tent-pole release, in this case Jurassic World: Dominion.

And yet everytime i come out slightly disappointed because i’d like for The Asylum to at least try more with the plots, since their mockbusters are even more and more detatched from the movies they allegedly exist to profit off indirectly with their bootleg low budget offering, they could try to go utterly insane with the plots if they will never improve budgets and effects to any significant degree, but why would they put any more effort if people still watch their garbage regardless?

They know people like me will start combing the internet for these kind of movies, sooner or later, so why bother? They’re so cheap to be worth it from a financial standpoint regardless, so until the well dries up completely, they won’t stop, and it’s hard to fault them for that when the Jurassic World series exists and the difference between the contenders and the “champions” is how much money they can throw at the fx budget to cover up botched or flawed scripts.

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12 Days Of Dino Dicember # 25: Wolf Tracer’s Dinosaur Island (2004)

Yes, i did get to know this was ever a thing thanks to SaberSpark’s Youtube channel, i decided to eventually dig into the matter myself and do my own research, though it’s kinda hard not to step on each other’s feet, so to speak, when this one is connected to another infamous “target” for contents creators on Youtube, as in this is also by Colin Slater, better known for the christmas trashfire of Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe In Santa, featuring the meme gold of “Grandma speaking APYR”.

Because this is how internet legends are born, kids, though it helps when comparisons of your movie to Foodfight that make that mess look like a TRIGGER studio masterpiece.. ain’t wrong.

But does Promare have Mark Hamill in it? Didn’t think so.

Welcome to the super amateur hour, where shit that could barely pass as a college boy first draft for an animation in the late 90s is put out as an officially finished product, though both projects, Rapsittie Street Kids and today’s Dinosaur Island, both made by Colin Slater’s Wolftracer Studios, were considered lost media. despite Rapsittie Street Kids actually airing on tv. Even if just once.

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[EXPRESSO] Wish (2023) | “Feel the power of my MAAAGICKK!”

I was gonna skip this entirely, but since this is the animated film Disney chose to celebrate the company 100^th anniversary, i feel bound to cover it.

And it’s a special movie, but for the all the wrong reasons, as it’s a perfect crystalization of the company’s modern status, where the movie you’d rather see is the one lost in the original drafts, not the final product apparently assembled by focus groups and marketing than imagined by creatives.

The plot is about a guy named Magnifico that learned magic and created an ideal city, Rosas, on a island somewhere in the Mediterranean Sea, where he rules and fulfills the wishes his citizens entrust him.

But not all wishes can be granted, as her apprentice-to-be Asha founds out when the wish of his 100 yo granpa is still unfulfilled, then she accidentally summons a real star, making Magnifico paranoid enough to use a book of forbidden magic…

It’s a very arrogant movie that isn’t interested in pleasing its viewers, too busy up its own arse pulling a disgusting amount of Disney references and stuck wallowing in nostalgia to the detriment of everything else, while also exhibiting all the negative-cliched traits associated with Disney animated films, like overuse of musical segments, the talking animals, etc.

Plus it’s just plain uninspired, derivative, boring, the characters are utterly uninteresting and istantly forgettable, and while there was some potential, it’s all brought down by a senseless “magic system” that’s at the center of the story, even diegetically makes little to no sense and renders the final message moot.

The animation is good (even if the style reminds one of a 3DCG Netflix anime) and it’s a short sit, but this is just utter, recycled, cynical mediocrity that’s almost insulting coming from Disney, even modern Disney.

Open Letter to Dino-Santa

hello Santa, it’s me, again.

“Again” to a certain extent, i haven’t written a letter to Santa since decades, so i’ll be brief and quick, he has to bring coal to Darkseid each year, and i have this year’s 12 Days Of Dino Dicember starting tomorrow.

I have been a reasonable boy this year, so henceforth i ask the following petty and first world requests:

-a new, proper 2D run and gun Metal Slug videogame that isn’t a mobile gacha spin-off or remake tied to a mobile platform stuffed with microtransactions up to tank’s exhaust, i love turn based tactical strategy games and Metal Slug Tactics is looking mighty good, but it’s still not got even a vague release date and updates are still MIA, so yeah, the new SNK could actually employ a studio to develop a proper console/pc mainline Metal Slug game. It’s been a while, more than enough to create demand.

Otherwise, i would settle for an actual outside of arcades releases of Dolphin Blue.

-Please do not let the new One Piece anime remake/series redo by Wit Studio be using AI art to avoid paying people the meager anime industry salaries, i don’t care if Oda is fascinated, i just hope he grows out of it, alongside the rehabiliting of his colleagues and teachers that did not deserve such a thing, since we’re asking.

we can’t be perfect, but we can avoid falling for every cheap ass scam that goes around.

-Speaking of which, can we reroll this economic system to one where i can afford a house and can actually retire instead of dying on the job?

Also, a new Gundam Musou would be very welcome.

That will do.

Regards.

[EXPRESSO] Godzilla Minus One (2023) | WW Zilla

I was kinda apprehensive going into the new Godzilla movie (which is getting limited weeklong screenings everywhere outside of Japan), weirdly enough, due to some disappointed early feedback, so i decided to ignore most coverage after that and just go see it.

And i will address that indeed, after Shin Godzilla, going back to a period piece story set during WW II feels like a convenient move to avoid tackling modern political issues… but i will say that Godzilla Minus One does earn your attention and investment, thanks to one of the closest attempts at recapturing the spirit of the original Godzilla, to the point it’s almost a remake-prequel, and a great damn one that focuses on the human characters with great drama, punctuated by action scenes involving Godzilla (not the other way around), while also making Big G itself menacing again.

The premise follows Koichi, a man designed as a kamikaze pilot that, during the final years of WW II, fakes a malfunction of his airplane, and lands on the small island of Odo . There he is one of the few that survives the encounter with a giant dinosaur the locals call “Godzilla”, and with great shame, he comes back to the bombed ruins of his parent house, takes in a homeless woman and her foster daughter. In time the reconstruction begins, Koichi is on the verge of finally putting his nightmares of war to rest, but then Godzilla shows up again….

Honestly, even if not trying to push new boundaries, at all, Godzilla Minus One it’s a greatly compelling story with good characters, a solid period war drama at its core, and while the monster is CG, they pulled off a miracle with the effects looking so good for the tiny budget of 15 millions.

Highly recommended.

[EXPRESSO] Diabolik 3: Diabolik, Chi Sei? (2023) | Flashback Finale

Teased at the end of Ginko Attacks!, the new and final movie of the Manetti Bros. Diabolik trilogy recently hit theathers here, titled “Diabolik- Chi Sei?” (Diabolik, Who Are You?).

Given how i loathed Ginko Attacks, i watched the new film mostly for completition’s sake… and this one it’s a little better, but it has its own set of issues.

The plot sees a new criminal gang arise in Clarville, proving to be even more ruthless than Diabolik itself, much to the dismay of officer Ginko, whom loses one of his most trusted men to the gang, and is later held hostage… alongside a captive Diabolik. So its up to Ginko’s love interest, Countess Altea, to seek help from Diabolik’s partner in life & crime, Eva Kant, in order to save them.

Sounds decent but the idea it’s undermined by how quickly this new gang can capture Diabolik, the supposed master of crime, how once again most of the work is up to Eva Kant more than Diabolik itself, even worse this time around, as Diabolik’s main contribution is chatting with Ginko and telling him his origin story. In the third fuckin movie of the trilogy, mind you.

The origin story itself it’s more interesting than the actual plot of the movie, which feels thin, so why not at this point spend a third of the movie on that to reach a 2 hours runtime. The kinda anticlimactic actual resolution of the whole gang subplot doesn’t help either.

Like the other two modern Diabolik movies, this one too perfectly captures the style and mood of the comics, but it kinda forgots you maybe should adapt the decades old stories for modern audiences, or actually try to improve them for the big screen.

This one it’s mediocre and not much else.

[EXPRESSO] The Marvels (2023) | Three Of A Perfect Pair

Once again i have to preface i do not follow the Disney + Marvel series, i simply do not, i do get a laugh at reading how the fuck Marvel has issues with the Blade reboot (it is absurd), but i do watch the theathrical releases, with this later one being pretty much a Captain Marvel sequel, with the twist of having Danvers form an unlikely trio with Kamala Khan AKA Ms Marvel, and her believed to be lost niece, Monica Rambeau, whom also received energy powers after an accident.

As to why, it’s because a new villain, a Kree survivor and rebel, has acquired a powerful artifact, which has the side effect of making the three heroines do a switcharoo every time they use their powers, and they’ll have to find a way to work together in order – as “The Marvels” – to avoid the universe is further teared apart by wormholes and space-time completely breaks down…

I wasn’t a fan of the first film, or Captain Marvel herself, but this feels like a step-up, as there’s more going on, Kamala Khan being….. herself is very cute, the premise is more fun, there’s definitely more energy to the characters and plot, and thankfully Nia DaCosta’s (Little Woods, Candyman 2021) direction embraces the fact this is a very simple and silly tale, and boy do i appreciate when these movies can actually play it simple.

Shame the villain, while making sense for this type of story, it’s kind of a forgettable tragic kind of foe, and the resolution seems kinda underwhelming, but i did enjoy it a lot more than the first one, also because it’s under 2 hours for a change, though once again the “cat-like creature” is arguably the best damn thing in this franchise.

Decent fun.

Ninja The Shadow Killers AKA Shadow Killers Tiger Force (1986) [REVIEW] | WIN (Women In Ninja)

Endless is the quest for the acolytes of the ninja way as teached by Master Ninja Ho, after all – as E. Honda once said – the training never really ends, and there are at least still DOZENS and DOZENS of cut-n-paste ninja flicks from the IFD Film & Arts mill left to review and catalogue properly.

Ninja The Shadow Killers is definitely one of them, but this time we have something slightly different in terms of the witch’s brew that will pass for a film, as i’m pretty sure i never saw any other one where he spliced his western ninja footage…. into a women in prison film.

Definitely a genre we don’t really cover to any degree here, not on purpose or anything, but yep, indeed, the “host movie footage” is taken from 1976’s Taiwanese-Hong Kong-South Korean film Prisoner 470 (reminding me of yet another movie series i could be watching instead), and is also notable how this time we have a female ninja protagonist/master, Jenny, played by Deborah Grant.

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