[EXPRESSO] Knights Of The Zodiac (2023) | Saint Seiya Evolution

It feels like its the late 2000s again with a production like this, as if Dragon Ball Evolution never released, or it did but nobody learn shit from it, just by gazing upon this brand new live action adaptation of the popular manga/anime series Knights Of The Zodiac, better known as Saint Seiya.

IF you knew this was coming at all, in the US the series never really “took off”, and even in countries like Italy where it still has a lot of nostalgic value for older generations, it has been barely marketed at all and released as 3 days special event thingie, kinda telling.

Honestly, i was never much into Saint Seiya, but just from the trailer i recognized the whiff of another Dragon Ball Evolution. Though this one is SLIGHTLY better.

Just because the effects and visuals are a bit better, and the fights could be worse.

But it’s still a terrible, lousy adaptation that’s so 2000s and it’s a total crapfest anyway, as it checks ALL the negative boxes.

Wildly miscast actors that either half-ass it or are just pure pine, a script trying to squeeze a saga worth of info into a 2 hours runtime, a narration with no focus continuously jumping from scene to scene without context, that is when the stereotypes (there are no actual characters in this movie) aren’t vomiting torrents of exposition.

Even worse, it’s also a BORING mess, and it’s that kind of adaptation that it invents his own plot, one that has barely anything to do with the series’ premise, and – for good measure – it’s stupid, boring, threadbare and utterly tiresome on its own, managing not only to disappoint long time fans, but also alienate general audiences.

Not that it stops this movie sequel baiting into the void.

Pinocchi-O-Rama #6: √964 Pinocchio (1991)

Have i gone completely insane, spotlighting this one for a Pinocchio-inspired retrospective?

But then again we never talk about some good ol’ japanese cyberpunk body horror… and i guess today is no different because we’re talking about 964 Pinocchio.

Also called “Screams Of Blasphemy” for its UK release. Whatever.

And no, i still have no clue if the numbers in the title mean anything aside indicating that there were other 963 “pinocchio/sex slaves” manifactured before him, since he’s got that tattooed on his back, branded like an utility.

Honestly i wasn’t sure about including this one, but for variety’s sake, fuck it, i’m not reviewing Pinocchio In Space. Despite the obvious allure.

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Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent (1988) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

One of the more infamous piece of copy n paste cinema from the IFD Film & Arts factory of Godfrey Ho and associates, one that happens NOT to be a ninja movie with their pink ninja pajamas and 30 seconds superfights against caucasian ninja masters, but the other kind of exploitation the company specialized in, the “actionxploitation” flick with super american stereotypes fighting against criminals of some ilk, all played by the same 6 non-asian guys Ho and Lai employed.

And we’re lucky because we got Pierre Kirby in this one, playing agent Ted Fast, who only works alone because he’s so good and not utterly stupid, opposing the crime boss Solomon, after a secret formula that can make animals and plants grow to gigantic proportions, like 3000 times their original size.

But sadly Solomon will have to crime very hard for it, since the formula is actually from the “host movie” spliced in by Godfrey Ho (here directing), a 1984 Taiwanese kaiju movie titled “She Wang” (translating to “King Of Snakes”) about a pet snake, Mosla, belonging to a little girl that accidentally comes in contact with the formula, grows giant, and then stars rampaging because the terrorists after the formula kidnap the girl, and Mosla is having none of it.

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[EXPRESSO] Elemental (2023) | Avatar reference here

I’ll be honest: since the teaser trailer i had very low expectations for Elemental, and frankly the marketing didn’t make it any better, as it either led you to believe that this is Zootropolis again, but with the themes of racial prejudice and coexistence made even more ouvert by just making the elements people. And it’s also a simplistic. gimmicky variation on Romeo and Juliet.

And while there is some truth to those assumptions…. to be honest, this is far from the worse or insipid we’ve seen from Pixar lately.

For example, it’s mostly a story about first generation immigrants (Korean immigrants, as it’s a personal story for the director himself), a couple of “fire people” moving to Element City, and her daughter, Ember, divided between inheriting the store of her parents, who worked themselves to the bone, and following her passion and potential career, with the disruptive force igniting all this being a water guy, Dave, a safety inspector whom accidentally enters the shop, finds and reports the many safety violations, but then wants to help Ember avoid the city shutting down the store, and eventually they fall in love as they get to know each other.

It’s fun, quite pleasing, the romance it’s not original but it’s cute enough, Elemental it’s a decent film overall, but it’s also indicative of the troubled state of Pixar, as they exhaust their formula to the point the criticisms stopped being hyperboles and became truths, the whole concept is overly simple to the point it hurts its own worldbuilding and almost completely undermines its own themes, the premise is Zootropolis but the racism allegory makes even less sense in context, and while the character are fun and the animation is impressive as expected… we have seen this done better countless times before.

[EXPRESSO] Denti Da Squalo (2023) | Pool Shark Summer

Time for a review of an italian movie that most likely won’t ever come out internationally (but who knows), for the sake of variety.

Denti Da Squalo (translated literally as “Shark Teeth/Teeth Of A Shark”) is about a 13 yo boy, Walter, that recently lost his father, a former crime boss, and while wandering about finds an apparently abandoned villa with a shark living in a salt-water pool, and Walter makes of the villa his secret getaway place. Only to find another, older boy, Carlo, is squatting there, but Walter keeps coming back, entranced by the literal pool shark, and ends up befriending Carlo…

It’s definitely a very nice surprise of a movie, as not only it avoids pulling the “metaphorical animal we can’t show on screen” bit, the shark it’s seen very early and very often in the movie, and honestly the effects are top notch, obviously it’s not a real shark but it looks and feels real, as it needed to be since it’s both a plot device and symbolic incarnation of the criminal life.

Also, despite having the elements and touching upon the relative themes, it’s not a story of criminal formation, but of emotional formation and reckoning with the loss of the father figure (here played by beloved italian actor Claudio Santamaria), seen as an imperfect, human example that does not glorify nor 100% wilify criminal life, and not as the only real figure to aspire to, not the inevitable set of footsteps for Walter to follow.

For a feature debut, Davide Gentile manages to create a solid and emotionally meaningful modern take on the themes of criminal life, grief, legacy and family, following indeed all the familiar steps of the coming of age story, but the execution and performances make it worth checking out.

King Of Snake (2020) [REVIEW] #snakesofjunetoo

Not be confused with “King Of Snakes”, an old Taiwanese kaiju film mostly known for being edited into one of many’s Godfrey Ho cut-n-paste jobs, Thunder Of The Gigantic Serpent, which opted to insert new actionxploitation footage with western actors into that 1984’s monster film, instead of having them doing the usual “colored pijamas ninjas” shit.

We’re gonna cover that one later this month for #snakesofjunetoo, fear not, i’m always up for reviewing some IFD Films joints, but today we’re looking at something far more recent, a 2020 chinese disaster-monster movie set during the Republic Of China period, when railways were being costructed and the following ecological destruction caused by it (especially deforestation) being the reason for lots of poisonous snakes to assault a train, killing and injuring many.

To cure the survivors of the snake venom and the many that also were attacked in his own home village of Yong’an, the local snake catcher Mu Sheng has to form a small party to venture in search of the “snake flower” cure…

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[EXPRESSO] The Flash (2023) | Weather Report

Let’s get this over with, because i’m not really too comfortable with the idea of this review, as i previously stated, but i made a decision, so here we are.

Even casting aside the heinous shit Erza Miller pulled, i can’t say i was ever well disposed towards the film, as i didn’t really care much for The Flash as a character, the trailers and promos we eventually saw surface were more about Michael Keaton returning as Batman, an alluring prospect for older generations like mine that grew up on the 1989 Burton classic, paraded as “bait” because Batman brings ALL the boys to the yard, so to speak.

And i guess to remember you THIS world is unfair and cruel, the movie that should have been a total piece of shit… it’s not. I’d make a joke about dodging lightining, but why couldn’t Black Adam have been alright and this one a turd.. i guess it’s ironic in its own right.

The plot concerns Barry Allen, The Flash himself, using his powers to go faster than light and eventually to go back in time, all so he can avoid the incident that saw his mother die and his father wrongfully imprisoned. He eventually succeeds, meets his younger self, but learns that his actions led to a new timeline entirely, one where a lot of his super hero friends and colleagues never existed, but other villains did.

Thankfully he finds that reality’s Batman (Michaeal Keaton) and tries to launch a counter-offensive to save everyone…

Yeah, sure, some of the CG work can be uncanny valley levels of off-putting at times, the ending basically “pulls a JoJo” for more cynical reasons, but against all expectations, the movie it’s alright, it’s decent.

I’ve seen FAR worse offerings, especially from the DC side.

[EXPRESSO] Mindcage (2022) | Grift Of The Seven Lambs

Directed by Mauro Borrelli but otherwise being a through and through american production with a cast of known international hollywood actors, Mindcage it’s there to answer the question of what if we ripped off Silence Of Lambs and Seven, with a way lower budget, worse cast and far woese writing, hoping the supernatural twist would salvage the rest of the movie.

When instead it just a twist that almost makes no sense, because it implies the serial killer is either a X-Men or has received a mystic notepad from the heavens, but let’s actually discuss the plot.

Mindcage is about two detectives, Jake and Mary, seeking the help of an incarcerated serial killer known as The Artist, due to a recent series of murders by the hand of someone that is also killing women, dressing them up like elaborate art exhibits of “angels” and displaying them in various parts of the city, so they can catch this copycat killer.

Again, this is such an obvious rip-off of Silence Of The Lambs, as shameless as it’s stock and predictable… again, until the twist hits, but it’s a supernatural twist, one that feels like a desperate asspull so it can technically feel like it outsmarted your expectations and be more “legally distinct”.

Casting is decent but acting its mostly sloppy, even with John Malkovich as a serial killer being the best performance in the movie… he’s kinda half-assing it too.

It’s just dumb, utterly predictable, direction feels kinda amauterish, production levels are more akin to a TV movie than a theatherical release, and it’s so mundane, so already done better a million of times before that it feels like a waste of time even if it’s barely above 90 minutes, and while it’s not a complete dud.. it’s just barely mediocre.

Dagon (2001) [REVIEW] | Shadow Over Galicia

Dagon, my sweet Dagon, oh what foul stench thou emits,

enough to make one sad at how it all went once again amiss,

cursed indeed by another Elder God these adaptations seem

of Lovecraft’s hate for fish supreme.

For the record, i don’t hate or begrudge Stuart Gordon’s work overall and his obvious love for the source material, i mean, the Reanimator series was also spun from a H.P. Lovecraft story and that managed to work, though it became its own thing, i am more than “ok” with that.

I mean, for fuck’s sake if that story in particular needed to be scrubbed – in adaptations – of the obniouxsly blatant racism, you’ll need to clean the Lovecraft out of Lovecraft “sometimes”.

But i also can’t deny there are reasons why fans of Lovecraft are beyond sick of the many adaptations that defy the thousand monkeys & thousand typewriters logic, and that somehow no one over decades has managed to adapt any of his stories (in films, strictly speaking) with success without fuckin things up, as in, completely destroy any attempt at atmosphere, deviate so much from the original story to the point it might as well be adapting another Lovecraft tale, AND making crap movies that are bad regardless of what author’s name they borrow.

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[EXPRESSO] Spider Man: Across The Spiderverse (2023) | Peter Parter

This review it’s only a formality, but yes, indeed, i had high expectations of this new Spider Man animated movie after Into The Spiderverse was a surprise smash hit, an unexpected excellent opus from an animation studio mostly known for Hotel Transylvania and The Angry Birds movie.

We never saw it coming, but it happened and while it had the side effect of making the live-action Marvel offerings kinda redundant and pointless, i would have been happy even if there wasn’t a sequel, despite being no reason to stop there, i mean, we got the new origin story/introduction of Miles Morales as one of the many Spider Man personas, the studio was gonna follow that up regardless.

This sequel to Into The Spiderverse also follows in the recent resurgence of “two parters” (giving even more proof that time is a flat circle, at least in terms of entertaiment media), and in this “part 1” we see Miles (and Gwen) venture deeper into the multiverse of various Spider personas from many dimensions/universes, meeting a new team of “Spidersonas” known as Spider Society, led by Miguel O’Hara (aka Spider Man 2099), but instead of collaborating they end up clashing in regards of how to deal with the villain at hand.

And honestly it meets the high expectations set by the previous movie, delivering a lot of inspired visuals, variety of animation styles and stylization, new charming and likable characters, plus the story dwelves deeper into the multiverse aspect, Miles’ role in this, so even if it ends on a cliffhanger for “part 2”, it’s not just 2 hours and 1/2 of setup, it’s already very very good as expected, and again it manages to make you really care even if you weren’t already much invested in Spiderman his many comic book incarnations/iterations.